Back in primary school, some of the books I’d read cover to cover were the Horrible Histories series by Terry Deary. Learning new facts about human history had always been fascinating to me (although, admittedly, most of them were fixated on British and European history). I’d pour over them, committing what I read to memory as best I could (alas, I don’t have, and never will have, an eidetic memory). My desire to learn also extended to Horrible Science and Horrible Geography, which proved helpful in Year 7 where I was able to win a point of trivia because I was the only one in my class who knew about the San Andreas Fault.

One of the Horrible Histories books I remember enjoying very much was the one about Incans. And with the film: Emperor’s New Groove releasing in cinemas during the early 2000s, I wanted to learn more about his seemingly ancient civilisation that only seemed to be rarely touched.

Admittedly, growing up, I did turn my attention to Aztec and Mayan societies because of the whole blood sacrifices and the removal of hearts, but if there was one place I wanted to visit (besides Egypt and the city of Petra in Jordan), it was Machu Picchu. That and the Nazca Lines, which have featured in many forms of media like Yu-Gi-Oh 5D, as well as in books like Anthony Horowitz’s Power of Five series.

Unfortunately, I’ve not had the opportunity to travel to Peru. So, when the Australian Museum announced an upcoming exhibit of Machu Picchu and the Golden Empires of Peru, I was eager to attend. After all, there was so much I wanted to see and understand about ancient Andean societies. Especially when it came to how the people lived and their belief systems.

The only problem? Finding someone who would be amenable to attend with me.

While I’d initially planned to go on a weekend, Dikottir and I ended up attending on a Wednesday night. He’d, of course, looked up a few events adjacent to the exhibit and discovered Peruvian Nights wherein the Australian Museum would remain open until late with live music, free film screenings and have a smorgasbord of Peruvian-inspired snacks. Or so he had been led to believe.

Spoiler alert: most of his choices were taken from him and we both ended up with Pork sausages with tomato chutney. No beef pies or empanadas. Or even the Peruvian bowl. I mean, there was a salad. But what hot-blooded man, or woman, would choose a healthy salad for dinner?

With our stomachs not quite as full as we had hoped, Dikottir and I made our way into the actual Machu Picchu exhibit. Though we were a tad bit early for our appointed session, the staff were still able to scan our tickets. In, we went, settling down first for an informational video about the various Andean societies and their close ties to nature, before we shuffled off the first hall. Here, it was revealed that the cosmology of the Andean world had three worlds: the Upper World where birds soared and was inhabited by the Sun and the celestial gods, the Here and Now occupied by humans and non-human creatures, and the Inner World which was associated with the night and was where the ancestors lived.

The separation of the worlds was represented by steps. Considering the mountainous region many of them lived in, it was understandable why step designs were found everywhere. This also impacted how they grew crops, utilising constructed agricultural terraces to increase the amount of arable land. Of course, the Incans were not the only ones to use terrace farming. As an aside to Dikottir, I pondered aloud if the rumoured Hanging Gardens of the Babylon had not used similar technology. After all, it would make sense for a ‘hanging’ garden to, well, hang over the side.

From there, we looked around at the other artefacts on display. Most of it was pottery shaped into specific animals: snake, jaguar, owl and hummingbird. However, there were also ones showcasing hybrid chimaeras.

Given their close connection to nature, many Andean societies had shamans. These were individuals that were able to communicate between the Here and Now and the other worlds. More importantly, they were also bequeathed with the power of animals. This, they were able to channel with psychotropic drugs and/ or fancy headwear.

Of course, when it came to depicting shamans, most of the artefacts Dikottir and I saw showed them as half-man and half-beast.

Oh, to be a were-jaguar or were-owl.

Before we descended down into the Inner World, however, we did get to see several other statues. One, in particular, drew my eye. Like many a civilisation before, and after them, Andean societies put a lot of emphasis on fertility and male virility. A skull-like entity, next to a woman with a gaping hole right below her pelvis, had a huge erect phallus. One he was eagerly holding in his hands.

Next to it were two statues of the ancestors. Apparently, in the Andean afterlife, the ancestors continue to copulate. Their deaths not an end but a new beginning, bringing forth new life. But seeing an artefact titled ‘Ancestors masturbating’ certainly had the ten-year-old in me giggling. Especially when the woman was clearly doing most of the work as she worked her hand on her partner’s appendage.

The Inner World brought us face to face with a shape-shifting hero of mythical proportions: Ai Apaec. A figure of Moche culture, he was a hero known for travelling to different worlds to ensure the continuation of nature’s cycles. Along the way, he is gifted with the ability to transform into various creatures including a crab and pufferfish. Along the way, he had a loyal buzzard and a dog to keep him company on his travels.

On his quest to return the sun to the world, and to ensure crops rainfall for crops, he would also be decapitated, his head transforming into a veritable skull. Of course, he is later saved and brought back to life through the power of…um…well…sex. Sex brings him back to life. And it also brings back his ability to propagate.

Honestly, there needs to be a video game about this guy. The lore, his powers and the story itself just lends itself perfectly to the media. Sorrengail, if you’re reading this blog post, THIS was the video game idea I was proposing to you. And you can even insert the ‘MASSIVE DAMAGE’ meme into it if you so chose.

And, best of all, he appears in pop culture! As a villain in the grander Marvel universe! Something almost akin to Ezekiel Sim, the villain of the less than stellar Madame Web film that came out in 2024.

From the Inner World we moved to a different section of the exhibit. This one was focused on the attire of the nobility and how the splendour of their outfits reflected their role and status in society. Even warriors wore impressive regalia made of gold and silver, especially those of high status and close connection to the gods. Of particular note were the nose ornaments and the coccyx protector as can be seen in the picture below.

It wasn’t long before Dikottir and I reached the end of the exhibit, which highlighted Machu Picchu. Unfortunately, the information there was a little scarce on details. Though the fortress was not discovered by the Spanish conquistadors, it did fade into obscurity and was retaken by the surrounding jungle. Over the years, locals still retained knowledge of its location but it was brough to the attention of the wider world by a Yale professor, Hiram Bingham.

After we had seen our fill of the exhibit, we stopped by the gift shop. Both of us bought llama rubber ducks for friends we weren’t sure we would catch-up with anytime soon. I also purchased a woven bookmark and an ‘erotic humorous magnet.’ Or so my receipt tells me. Dikottir, too, also bought a magnet. Supposedly as a gift for his mum who seems to share my sense of humour.

With that, our expedition to Machu Picchu and the Golden Empires of Peru came to a close. While we did enjoy some additional music, and dance, in the Australian Museum proper, we later headed towards Town Hall for some light dessert.

And so my date with Dikottir came to its inexorable end.

While I don’t mind his company (we do share quite similar views in terms of politics), I’m not sure either of us are romantically keen on the other. We certainly haven’t jumped on adding personal phone numbers or officially ‘friending’ each other on Facebook. Nor do we text on a daily or regular basis.

In fact, during our ‘date’, I’d find my attention wandering to the others also exploring the exhibit or who were simply at the Australian Museum and indulging in the Peruvian vibe. What surprised me the most whilst there were the number of sapphic couples I saw.

Maybe I’m more sensitive since the CaitVi brainrot, but I couldn’t help but somewhat wish I had a woman keeping me company.

Alas, Hinge is now gone. And while I do still seem to have a squish/ crush on someone in my friendship circle, nothing has actually eventuated. Despite the advice I’ve given to friends, I, too, am a filthy coward.

Time will tell if I’ll ever end up with someone.

There’s still a Valentine’s Day/ Lunar New Year celebration I’m attending soon (which will actually be a couple of weeks prior to when this blog post goes up) where I might meet someone (although it does seem to cater for heterosexual couples more). Until then, dear reader, I bid you adieu.