PAX-d to the Rafters

On November 26, 2024October 19, 2024 By kyndarisLeave a comment

Having skipped PAX AUS in 2023 due to a host of new responsibilities and no friends wishing to accompany me on the pilgrimage down to Melbourne, I was adamant to head down once more to see what the fuss was all about for the 20th anniversary of PAX AUS in 2024. It helped that there were more big name publishers on the show floor than 2022. Although, truth be told, it was probably because I’d committed myself early by purchasing a three-day badge for the possibility of a bigger and better PAX AUS than the one I was greeted with during my first time.

Spoiler alert: While I feel like PAX Aus does have its perks, it simply isn’t very enjoyable as a solo traveller. Should I go again, I will, most assuredly, have to bully bleachpanda to come down with me. Or have my meetups with friends be on separate days so I can have sufficient time to hang out with them all.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m sure, dear reader, you want the nitty gritty details. A proper story as you read this on your phone, sitting on the toilet or where have you.

And so I shall oblige by returning to the beginning of my four-day adventure down to the city of Melbourne, Australia.

I woke up early on a sunny Thursday morning. My luggage was mostly packed and I was eager to see to head down to the domestic terminal for my very short flight down to the state of Victoria. After going through my daily ablutions, as well as breakfast, I was buzzing with excitement.

Although my flight was slated for 11 AM, I was ready to head to the airport early. After all, I needed to check-in and bring my suitcase to the baggage drop area. These I completed in quick succession once I arrived. And, within moments, I was through security.

With more than two hours to go before my flight, I wandered through the terminal, buying myself a hot chocolate and a Halloween-themed Krispy Kreme donut. Then it was off to the pharmacy to purchase some Panadol and first-aid stuff should anything untoward happen on the trip (nothing did). After scanning the shelves of the airport shelves for what books they might have, I headed to the gate to enjoy my donut and to wait for boarding.

What I had not quite expected was for Dikottir to also show up for the exact same flight.

Yes, I knew he would be attending PAX and that he would also be flying down on the Thursday, but I had not anticipated it would be on the same Virgin flight (although, to be fair, my flight was initially with Rex but in June this year, it went into administration and I had to scramble for a replacement. Thankfully, Virgin was there to pick up the open slots and I was able to secure my spot without having to pay anything additional). So, we sat at the airport (a veritable meet cute) and chatted about his recent trip to Seoul. He showed me a few of the pictures he had taken, including the food he had eaten, as we waited for our flight.

Unfortunately for us, our flight was delayed due to a fault detected on the vessel. For an additional hour, we sat at the gate, waiting. There was even a moment when we feared the flight had changed gates but this was merely because one of the staff had closed the door and the airport system had automatically updated the details.

It was several minutes past noon before our flight took to the skies.

After it had landed and we had retrieved our luggage, it was roughly 2 PM. Given the fact our respective accommodations were close by, we took the SkyBus from the airport towards the centre of Melbourne. Along the way, we chatted about his many concerns regarding the AirBnB he had booked (including the fact the original owners had sold the property, the desperation to search for a replacement, the suspicious dealings of having to check-in prior to staying and a slew of other issues). In many ways, it was like catching up with a friend.

Once we had reached Southern Cross Station, the two of us parted. He to his AirBnB (which he would later be trapped in due to someone setting the rubbish chute on fire), and I to the Hotel Indigo (located on the corner of Flinders Lane and Spencer Street, and within spitting distance of the Melbourne Convention Centre across the bridge of the Yarra River).

By the time I had checked in, it was twenty minutes past three and I was starving. However, because I’d arranged to meet up with an old work friend, I staved it off with a roll of sushi, along with some cheese and crackers. After we had scouted out the Big W in the city centre (in preparation for his trip the next day), the two of us enjoyed some Chinese xiao long bao and pan-friend dumplings.

And so my first day in Melbourne came to an end.

The second day, and the first proper day of PAX, had me rise at around 7:20 AM. Worried I was running late, I scoffed down my breakfast at the hotel, dropping a cut of bacon and some scrambled egg on the ground, and legged it to the Convention Centre. After waiting a few minutes, Sorrengail arrived looking quite cold in her t-shirt and cardigan. Realising that the showroom floor wouldn’t open until 10, we decided to head to a local cafe. Sorrengail picked up a Portuguese tart as well as soy latte, while I enjoyed my go-to drink: the hot chocolate.

Then it was off to PAX proper where we tried out a few of the indie games, caught up with her game developer work colleagues (yes, I actually have a friend in game development), attended separate panels and essentially kept myself glued to her side. There was only one brief diversion to meet up with mrsarmageddon to hand off her Mimikyu t-shirt (a gift I’d picked up at SMASH earlier in the year) before I had to leave Sorrengail behind and meet up with Dikottir for dinner.

Of course, by then, I’d also accumulated a few other purchases (including Metaphor: ReFantazio and a yumcha inspired board game called Steam Up). Given I’d left PAX fairly early, I went back to my hotel to offload it all before hurrying over to Big Esso by Mabu Mabu at Federation Square. A proclaimed foodie, Dikottir had been eyeing the Indigenous restaurant for quite some time. After much hewing and hawing, we picked the three course meal and were treated to a smorgasbord of food: Terpa (oysters), island damper, cassava and native thyme rosti, charred kodal (crocodile) tongue skewer, usar (kangaroo) tartare, kami (emu) steak, kiamikiam cauliflower…and even some dessert!

Overall, the food was great and I got to enjoy some truly different flavours. Of course, the kangaroo tartare was also served with mirki salsa verde. As such, Dikottir got to witness firsthand my inability to handle spice (something which, no doubt) amused him to no end.

After dinner, the two of us headed back to the convention centre. While I hoped to catch one last panel (Video Games and Radio Stars: The Big Ol’ Game Music Quiz Show with hosts: Meena Shamaly and Gemma Driscoll), he was headed to see a friend speedrun through Balatro.

The second day of PAX saw me attend two panels: CTRL + Empower: Navigating the Gaming Matrix as Women and So You Want to be a Voice Actor. Between the panels, I mostly wandered the showroom floor aimlessly – primarily intent on purchasing some merchandise to make the trip a little bit more memorable (and to see if I couldn’t buy a few presents – either for myself or for friends). In the end, I walked away with even more Disney Lorcana cards that I’m not entirely sure want to do with, a Grunt plushie and a strange burrito creature that, by the time this blog post goes up, I’ll have hopefully foisted on bleachpanda.

After my last panel, I vacillated between heading to the nearby DFO to purchase a pair of new jeans or to try my hand at getting a Moogle pin at the Final Fantasy XIV area. In the end, my desire for a Moogle pin won out. Though the line was capped, two people immediately left and I was able to enter.

An hour or so later, I was the owner of a new Moogle pin! One I wasn’t sure if I should gift to bleachpanda or another friend, mizutina, come her birthday). It will, more than likely, have gone to mizutina for something a little more unique than yet another figurine she can purchase).

With evening fast approaching, I returned once more to Hotel Indigo to offload all of my purchases and to await dinner with an old high school friend. Given my busy schedule of panel attendance and making the most of the time I had to wander around the show floor, I had not eaten lunch. By 7:30 PM, I was starving.

Thankfully, my friend arrived right on time (a feat she thought impossible given her proclivity for time blindness) and we enjoyed some Japanese food for dinner. Afterwards, we headed for dessert – demolishing a huge kakigori with aplomb.

The third day, and last day of PAX (although it would be my fourth day in Melbourne overall), saw me try out several of the indies on display, and catching a glimpse of a furry wedding at a Cult of the Lamb themed section of the convention centre before abandoning the show altogether to buy myself a new pair of jeans (along with a pair of chinos) at the nearby DFO on the Southbank. Without anyone to keep me at PAX, I headed into Melbourne proper, stopping at Critical Hit and Minotaur Entertainment for possible pop-culture or game related purchases.

There was little to catch my eye, so I chose, instead, to cap off my trip to Melbourne with a showing of SIX: The Musical at the Comedy Theatre. Getting to witness the original cast on stage, and film the Megasix, was probably my greatest highlight of the trip given the unapologetic message of the show, as well as the vibrant energy of the performances.

It was certainly better than most of the panels I attended, which, while informative and their own brand of fun, did seem a little ‘mid.’ Not saying Mark Meer pulling off a Joker impression alongside Abubakar Salim was mid, but most of the time, it just felt like people had put up boring slideshows to talk at us.

Speaking of Abubakar Salim, on my flight home to Sydney, I swear he was on my flight! When I arrived at my gate, he was sat quite close to the Virgin counter dressed in a black jumper and blue jeans (the outfit he had been wearing on Saturday when I attended a panel he participated on). But, like the coward I was, I didn’t approach him. Instead, I used the wait time at the gate to get through more of Ace Attorney Investigations Collection, and slyly spy on the man in my peripheral vision.

All in all, PAX AUS 2024 wasn’t the grand outing I had hoped it would be. It was a bustling convention, true, with plenty to do, but given I had attended the event once again on my lonesome, it failed to carry the spark I was looking for. They do say third time’s the charm with these kinds of events and I’m willing to go again. But perhaps with a friend who can keep my company, it won’t seem so maudlin. So, bleachpanda, I hope you’re prepared!

I’ll even pay for all of your expenses!

That being said, if it fails to live up to my expectations for the third time, I might just call it quits and simply enjoy the time traipsing around Melbourne here at home, with all my nerdy memorabilia close at hand. After all, I have my games and books and even the musicals I want to see right in Sydney (except for Beetlejuice, which will apparently be showing in Melbourne May 2025. Drats).

Legends and Lattes

On November 12, 2024October 4, 2024 By kyndarisLeave a comment

While you, dear reader, may initially think this post is about Travis Baldree’s novel of the same name, I am here to quickly disabuse you of that notion. In fact, I shall do you one better and admit I have yet to even read the book sitting on my shelf, begging to be read. Heck, I even bought the prequel not too long ago: Bookshops and Bonedust. And before you say anything, dear reader, I will get to it.

Eventually.

It just so happens my blog is not solely a book blog. Nor am I a BookTuber/ Booktoker by day or by night. So, you know, it’s very understandable why I’ve not read through this, assumedly masterpiece of a tale. Plus, I also have a lot of other hobbies like badminton, videogames and my own actual writing. All of which detract from my reading time.

Then, of course, there’s my dating life, which, albeit is slowing down because I’ve mostly given up on men. And well, the women are certainly not biting as often.

What’s a 32-year-old supposed to do except pine for the love of a fictional character? Karlach, I’m looking at you for when I finally start playing Baldur’s Gate 3.

As you’ve no doubt picked up on, this blog is yet another entry into my forays of dating. This time round, I met up with a woman (third time’s the charm, maybe? We’re still chatting on the occasion although the topic has shifted into more a creative enterprise). It started with her liking one of my Hinge prompts, and after thoroughly checking her profile (she had actually cropped up in a few of my recommends previously), I thought I would do her the courtesy of matching.

It was followed by a brief conversation on mythology before the two of us went down the tabletop role-playing game route where we both tried, and failed, at playing grifters stealing personal information. Now we’re on a journey to stop the Goblin King. The dastardly creature has stolen her identity, leaving naught but an empty vault of where it should be. And because of that, I, the handsome rogue in this situation, must continue masquerading as a Nigerian Prince as we go forth to acquire a magical sword with the ability to track goblins.

So far, we’ve made it to a small town called Bree. Although we did try to ride towards Bag’s End, a number of black riders passed us by and Keyleth – the codename I’ve decided to use in this instance to refer to my date – was insistent we put a stop to their evil plans. Not that we know they’re evil.

They simply have business with a halfling and are being very difficult about anyone who might be in their way.

As you can see, dear reader, we are most assuredly not in Kansas anymore.

That said, we did arrange to meet at a cafe halfway between where we live in what is fittingly named The Shire for Sydneysiders like me. It should be noted that unlike me, Keyleth does not live in Sydney. Rather, she is situated in the coastal city of Wollongong. You’ll remember it as a place I visited not too long ago with a group of friends as we tackled a dastardly difficult escape room.

At the time, though, Keyleth’s path and mine had not yet crossed. A shame, truly, since there are quite a few choice burger places in Wollongong we could potentially visit if I didn’t mind the long drive down.

The cafe was named 7th Heaven. To my dismay, there was no raven-haired bartender or a blond courier. What it did have were a number of brunch options such as my go-to meal in almost every situation: Eggs Benedict with a side of smoked salmon. Keyleth ordered a milkshake and Eggs on Toast, adding on top of it a rasher or two of bacon and some delectable avocado.

By the end, though, she’d barely touched it – having eaten only one piece of bread and egg, some bacon and hardly any of the avocado.

Keyleth was the first to arrive – most probably due to the limited number of trains and because she had further to travel. I arrived just shy of the appointed time at 10. When I arrived, I had not quite expected the shock of dyed red hair to greet me. After all, in all her previous photos – both on Hinge and on Whatsapp – Keyleth had sported long blonde hair.

Still, she was keen to give me a hug, though I was quick to advise I wasn’t much of a hugger. Or even a physical touch kinda gal. Yes, I’m more willing to accept it from a woman but it’s not something I tend to do. And it’s certainly not one of my key love languages.

Once I had sat down, we chatted idly about how our week had gone. After putting in our order, we began the painstaking process of learning a little more of the other. Keyleth learned I was an only child, whereas I learned she had a sister. Some of our family dynamics were talked about before we moved to more dangerous topics: like my favourite musical and whether or not I am actually a theatre kid (spoiler alert, I am not. Yes, I’ve been to four musicals in the last four months but those are baby numbers compared to the actual musical nerds out there. Or so I hope).

We also chatted about the weird role-playing experience unfolding on our messages, with Keyleth confirming the Goblin King was none other than David Bowie from Labyrinth.

Then, of course, we also talked a little about our dating experiences. Given I was asexual and she was demisexual, it seemed prudent for us to address the very big elephant in the room of what an actual relationship would be like. Both of us were a little uneasy about jumping immediately jumping into relationships as we required time to get to know the people we would be committing a significant portion of time with. Lust is certainly not a thing either of us experienced at first sight. And in order to catch feels, a strong emotional connection must be created first.

I, certainly, have not been in an actual relationship of significance with another. At least in the romantic sense. I do like to think I have many meaningful friendships with the people in my life though it’s anyone’s guess if they agree. More than likely, they find me egregious or too sardonic for their tastes (in fact, I recently had a nineteen-year-old university student at my work place call me epigrammatic!)

We also bonded over how difficult it was to date cisgender men!

But while the conversation was invigorating, our brunch date did slowly come to an end. Given the immediate surroundings didn’t have any other interesting diversion, we paid for our meals and headed back to the local train station. A little unfortunate but sometimes that is how the cookie crumbles.

After all, it would be the height of rudeness to remain at a table for several hours afterwards when all our food was taken away.

Will there be another date with Keyleth? I’m not quite sure. Our conversations were pretty easy-going, flowing from one topic to another.

It was certainly better than the date I had with Tip Top.

As always, time will tell if anything will come of it, but I’m hopeful in obtaining a new friend if nothing romantic blossoms from the encounter. Of course, there is still Dikottir.

And while we haven’t exactly had a sixth date/ meet-up, both of us will have gone to PAX in Melbourne by the time this blog post goes up. So, keep your eyes peeled for that riveting entry. Or not.

In the words of the founder of feminism himself, Rhysand, “It’s your choice, Feyre darling.”

As an aside, I can’t say for sure if that’s an actual quote from the book but it certainly feels like something he would say. On that note, I need to stop reading books like ACOTAR. I mean, it’s no Fourth Wing, so I’m glad for that. But it’s definitely not the height of fantasy literature. I was hoping for.

Anyways, THIS WAS ANOTHER EPISODE OF DATING 2.0! WILL A ROSE BE FINALLY AWARDED TO A SUITABLE SUITOR? YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL WE COME BACK FOR THE NEXT UPDATE!

And now, back to the weather!

Stale Bread

On September 26, 2024September 27, 2024 By kyndarisLeave a comment

Growing up, I’ve always hated how toys were divided between boys and girls. Especially given the limited number of things that were acceptable for girls to play with while boys would have multiple aisles filled with fun things like Lego, science experiments and action figures. Even back then, I hadn’t much liked how interests could be so rigidly divded.

Nor did I like being relegated to wearing frumpy school dresses when part of the uniform was a shirt and shorts. In fact, it was a point of contention back in primary school with my mother. During one of the school photos, she had demanded I wear the dress rather than what I was comfortable with.

It should come as no surprise that I was considered a ‘tomboy’ in school.

But though films and movies would have you believe I’d finally figure out the secrets of make-up and try to dress to impress in order to snag myself a man by the time I hit university, this never happened. Putting on make-up forever remains a mystery. Yes, I understand it’s socially expected that I be patting on a layer of foundation and giving my lips a touch of rouge, but it just feels completely antithetical to who I am as a person.

Why are women expected to powder themselves up to appeal to the not as fair sex? Why do we need to shave our legs and armpits? More than that, why was it fine for me to run around shirtless when I was a child but not socially acceptable now that my mammary glands have developed?

If women can’t free the nip, and it’s considered crass if the nodules can be seen through the shirt, then I’m voting for men to do the same. I don’t need to men nips peeking through their thin shirts. Nor do I want to see their rolls of fat as they take their shirts off during a run. Especially if women can’t do the same without it being seen as unseemly.

As the years have gone by and new labels have appeared, I did wonder if my antipathy towards gender stereotypes painted me as non-binary. I, certainly, wasn’t the image of the typical woman with typical feminine interests and hobbies. But the more I thought on why such a label was required, the more I pushed against it.

The whole idea of the divide between ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ simply didn’t make sense. And by choosing to be non-binary, I was also conforming to the idea that because I wasn’t feminine enough, I had to straddle the line between the two. Even though I’d come to terms with the fact I’d never have a flat enough chest, and suffer through monthly bouts of menstruating (I also wanted to be taller and skinnier, but let’s not go into beauty standards on this post).

Why couldn’t I be who I was – a woman who liked video games, books and horses?

And though the idea of whether I might be trans did cross my mind, the years of being mistaken for a boy because of my unisex name further solidified my gender identity for me – but also because I didn’t have significant body dysmorphia leading me to severe distress in terms of the body I had (although being more athletic and capable of doing backflips would have been a bonus. Unfortunately, I don’t think science is at the stage to give me the ideal body I want). Besides, I can’t have been the only one who has wondered what it might be like to be the opposite sex and the advantages that come with it.

On the other hand, biology is a strange beast. Yes, there are certain markers to differentiate males and females of a species, but none of it is universal. Female hyenas, after all, have more testosterone than their male counterparts. Male birds are more flamboyantly coloured to attract a mate.

Then, of course, if you throw in intersex individuals, the whole dichotomy between man and woman collapses in its entirety. After all, where do you put intersex people if the system is binary in nature?

From a dating perspective, meeting and chatting with people who have transitioned has certainly opened my eyes to a few things. And it’s definitely been a different experience to dating cisgendered men and women.

While I have yet to actually go on a date with a trans woman, some of our chats have been quite productive as we strive to seek a connection on shared interests. True, one stopped chatting when Starfield released and pivoted their focus on the latest release from Bethesda, but the other was enthusiastic about pursuing new skills and hobbies.

Neither one of them led me to suspect this was all a means to ‘threaten’ or ‘undermine’ women. They were people simply living their lives in a way that best suited them.

And both of them were much easier to chat with than the trans man I did actually meet up with two weeks ago as of time of writing. For the sake of simplicity, though, I’ll codename them Tip Top (because they’re as bland as white bread).

From the outset, Tip Top was a difficult person to converse with. They seemed to have an obsession with pushing aside any type of heteronormative narrative when it came to how relationships formed – while still falling within the traps of what differentiates romance from friendship. They also liked to unnecessarily explain or clarify things. For example: danmei novels, which are essentially BL (boys love) by another name.

Then, of course, there was the way they pushed aside their cultural and ethnic heritage. While I understood they had issues with their family (something they implied in relation to their transition), it bothered me to no end how they also rejected almost anything relating to, as they described it, ‘Western pop culture.’ Which was one of the reasons why they disliked trivia or word-association board games.

It was a difficult thing to process. Especially given my two loves: Disney and the written word. I’m a veritable thesaurus with how much I read (and write)! To have someone target the very things I love in the first meeting, well, it dismayed me. A lot.

But it also made me wonder how much Tip Top actually engaged with the wider world.

As I’ve shown in my travel posts, I love engaging with the various cultures across the world. Truth, as is almost always the case, is stranger than fiction. The events that have shaped the trajectory of the world is fascinating. And seeing the world through the eyes of different people was the EXACT reason I fell in love with reading in the first place.

Given the limited time we have in the world, and the fixed perspective we have, it is eye-opening for me to see how others might interpret the world. So, knowing that Tip Top purposely closed themselves off, was a difficult pill to swallow.

Although, I can’t say I was surprised.

In the past, I’ve known other people who, like Tip Top, seemed to have lived sheltered lives or who show no curiosity about the world they live in. All of their focus is turned inward, with many of their views coming off as narrow-minded. Especially when they espouse dogma they’ve, no doubt, taken from people around them rather than develop their own views.

It can even make them seem self-centred and entitled.

Perhaps, it was as Tip Top said, that they didn’t have many friends in high school. And hadn’t been keen to connect with anyone because they were only living ‘half a life.’ And yet, I’m sure there are certainly a lot of trans people out there who still managed to be socially engaging with those around them prior to taking hormones and/ or surgery.

In the end, our conversations stuttered over Sunday brunch as Tip Top only seemed interested in asking me shallow questions and then refusing to truly engage with any of my answers. Whereas I tried to coax out more about who they were as a person, focusing on what they said their hobbies were on their profile. A part of it, I felt, was their struggle with expressing their thoughts. For example, when I asked them to elaborate about a visual novel they were playing, they tried to hedge around many of the details. Even when I said I was fine about spoilers.

So many little things irked me about Tip Top.

Worse, I couldn’t shake the similarities I found between them and a person I used to know, who, in a last update, identifies as a Caucasian man. While I can accept the fact they’re trans (I introduced them to the concept of possibly being non-binary when we previously griped about the woes of being a woman), I take umbrage on the fact they’re trying to claim an alternate racial identity. Especially as they were born, and look, East Asian.

But I digress.

This is about Tip Top and our rather lacklustre meet-up.

After we visited the bakery, for them to pick up a hojicha latte (although they were lactose-intolerant and also suffered a mild aversion to gluten), we walked around a nearby park before I bid them farewell.

It wasn’t the worst meet up I’d been on but it certainly wasn’t a good one either. And it makes me exhausted thinking about trawling through the disappointments to reach the diamond I’m hoping for. There is something to be said about being single. And yet, the more I age, and the more my friends go their separate ways, the more alone I’m starting to feel.

Maybe it truly is time for me to get a dog.

Coffee Shop AU

On September 5, 2024July 21, 2024 By kyndarisLeave a comment

Most first dates, or meet-ups as I like to call them (especially with a stranger), that I’ve gone to have involved lunch or coffee at a local cafe. Thankfully, in the city of Sydney, there are plenty of cafes (of varying quality) one can visit. And all of them come with a decent brunch menu (though some will close by 2:30 or 3 PM at the latest). Enter Edition Roasters. While it has a few branches in and around the CBD (Australian shorthand for Central Business District), my date and I picked the one in Darling Quater.

But I’ve jumped forward to our date and failed to introduce the person behind it all!

Although I’ve gone on a date before with a woman, Eivor, which didn’t end up as well as I had hoped, I wasn’t quite willing to quite throw in the towel. After all, how many dates have I gone with men? And while the men in my life have failed to make my heart flutter, who was to say I wasn’t an asexual lesbian?

Especially with the so-called ‘squishes’/ brief flirtations of attraction I’ve had with a few women I’ve met over the years? THough now that I think on it, do fictional men count in terms of romantic attraction? Am I still clutching at straws?

No, I couldn’t yet label myself as aromantic just yet!

I mean, Dikottir isn’t bad! It’s just…I don’t feel a sense of romantic attraction to him. Even though we’ve gone on five dates and have technically ‘known’ each other for a year now.

Alas, I have once more been distracted. Where was I? Ah yes, my so-called ‘date.’ So, yes, this trip out to Edition Roasters was my second meet-up with a woman.

From the very start on Hinge, we struck up a conversation on musicals including one that has yet to grace the stage – Epic: The Troy Saga by Jorge Rivera-Herrans. As a frequenter of Tiktok, she had heard the songs being performed whilst I had the good fortune for my Spotify shuffle list to insert a few of the songs whenever I chose to listen to songs from musicals.

Though not a frequent replier, we were both able to share our passion for musicals and also touched a little on their second passion: fanfiction. Given the obsession of my fellow classmates back in Year 8 and 9 for all things anime, and to stretch our writing skills, I was no stranger to fanfiction.

Back in my heyday, I used to frequent ones for Kingdom Hearts, Naruto, Shugo Chara! Even now, trying to ween myself off fanfiction, I still can’t quite kick the bucket as I continue to lurk among the Harry Potter fandom, while occasionally experimenting with Far Cry 5 (yes, I’m a gosh darn sinner), She-Ra and a host of Disney ones as well.

It was because of her heartfelt passion for Epic, and how we did initially chat about mythology, that I’ve given my date the code name: Athena. Unlike Eivor before her, she was keen to arrange a meet-up sooner rather than later. So, after some discussion – with a variety of choice between multiple places to eat at – we finally settled on Darling Square.

I was the first to arrive. Shivering in the cold Australian winter, I put my name down on the paper sheet out front and waited for our number to be called out. Athena joined me shortly afterwards and we chatted a little about our week and our lives. Before too long, our number was called and we were directed to a table out in the wind (perhaps not the best choice but given how busy the place was, it made nabbing a table easier). Despite not having much sun, there was a heater purposely positioned close by to offer some warmth. Although, if I’m being honest, it was the hot chocolate I ordered, more than anything else, which served to defrost me.

Then it was time for the main meal. Athena ordered a miso salmon ochazuke after crunching the numbers on online reviews regarding the cafe’s signature dishes, while I settled for a miso wagyu bolognese. As we ate, we talked a little of the work we did, our family composition, and the reason why we were dating. We even reminisced on many a bad date we’ve had – with her recounting one where the man hailed Hitler.

And though this is the second time someone I know has gone on a date with a seeming Nazi sympathiser, it’s a bit strange that it’s happened twice. I honestly have to wonder if they went on the date with the same man.

After lunch, we walked around Darling Harbour before heading up towards Town Hall station. It was, in my eyes, a wonderful day out. While I wouldn’t have called it love at first sight, I certainly didn’t feel as intimidated as my meet-up with Eivor at the ice-rink. Nor did I feel like Athena fail to meet the expectations I’d set up in my head.

I wouldn’t say we clicked immediately but it definitely felt like we had a strong connection and understanding of the other.

Now, I wouldn’t call that love but I’d say it went far more swimmingly than I’d feared. Yes, I was probably still putting up a front, but I didn’t feel either one of us dominated the conversation. It flowed well, like having a good deep and meaningful natter with a good friend (rather than an acquaintance).

Is this a good sign?

But Athena did say to hit her up for another outing.

The only problem, of course, is that I’m not so much a foodie as someone who simply tags along and enjoys the food on offer (as long as it’s not spicy). Does make me wonder if the two are related, though…

Are all asexuals bad with spice? Or is it just me with a low tolerance for both? Probably just me. And the smut fanfictions I read simply represents my ability to enjoy wasabi (to a degree). It’s not the perfect analogy but I’ll have to make do. This is, after all, coming down from spending an entire Saturday out and about at the Sydney Manga and Anime Show (SMASH!) and then finishing off all the chores I needed to do in preparation for the week ahead.

Give a 31, who will be 32 when this post goes up, woman a break! It ain’t easy trying to juggle care for an elderly grandparent, work, hobbies, dating and what else when it comes to the adulting life. It’s not like there’s a manual!

Fourth Time’s the Charm?

On June 12, 2024May 3, 2024 By kyndarisLeave a comment

Dating, as many people know, is hard. There have been many a person I’ve chatted to on Hinge where the conversations stalls before the first date. Other times, it’s at the very first meeting where I know me and the potential future life partner won’t be compatible. And, on the odd occasion, it’s the second date where it all falls apart. But what blows my mind is that I can count on one hand how many have reached the third date before calling it quits and ghosting me on whichever app we’re chatting on. Clearly, I’m not someone who is easy to date. Which is…fair.

But with Dikottir, we’ve managed to reach the elusive ‘fourth’ date. Although, I do find it hard to classify it as a date. Primarily because I only arranged for a meet-up so I could offload souvenirs I’d purchased for Dikottir while overseas.

For context, during my trip to South Korea and Japan, Dikottir and I had remained chatting in the vague sense I’d told him of some of my adventures (a little tit for tat as he’s often just sent me dog photos). While I was in Nagasaki, he mentioned that castellas were a much prized treat and that I ought to try one.

Which, of course I did (one point I’d like to emphasise here though, is that bleachpanda and I did try a castella even before Dikottir mentioned it).

As I was sightseeing across the city, bleachpanda and I would often stumble upon many a souvenir shop selling all types of merchandise. Many featured Nagasaki’s unique food, such as the aforementioned castella, but there were also champon noodles and pork belly buns, as acrylic charms or as figurines.

So, given where our conversation had led, I, of course, picked up two charms I thought Dikottir might appreciate.

The minor offering was later augmented with a Hufflepuff keyring. Why Hufflepuff you may ask? Well, in Dikottir’s own words he was a proud badger who loves food. And given Hufflepuff is located right next to the kitchens, he was all in to giving the oft overlooked Hogwarts House some much needed love.

Anyways, the two of us arranged for a meetup at a dessert bar in the suburb of Zetland where I could hand off the charms I got him and then be off on my merry way for the rest of the day. Sure, we’d eat a cake and maybe get a drink but this wasn’t supposed to be a long engagement like my previous dates with Dikottir.

This time round though, Dikottir was the first to arrive. As I rocked up to the cosy cafe, I noted Dikottir on his phone, waiting outside. With a quick greeting, we headed inside to make our orders and sit around eating cake.

And it was a good catch-up.

As always, we chatted about things in our lives and the current issues plaguing society. You know, the deep meaningful conversations one might have with people you might still don’t know super well but are slowly acclimatising oneself to as time goes on.

It’s certainly better than being talked at about some niche aspect of a popular video game (which, don’t get me wrong, I love video games. A majority of my posts are about the video games I play but when people start bending my ear for a month about what they did in the multiplayer for Mass Effect 3 and how they’d ripped the geth to shreds in very intricate detail, my attention does begin to wander).

Dikottir and I talked and ate cake until about 1 PM. But when I thought we would be parting ways, Dikottir surprised me by suggesting lunch at The Cannery, a local place that was just a ten minute walk away in the suburb of Rosebery.

Since I didn’t have anything too pressing, given this was the weekend after the Easter long weekend (and I’d come from a roadtrip with the family up to Port Macquarie to visit a family friend), I had plenty of time on my hands. So, off we went, although our conversation slowly turned towards mental health and the people we happened to encounter in our lives struggling with their grasp on reality. His was a friend and ex-coworker while mine was an old high school friend I no longer associated with.

Whereas Dikottir’s example had held ideas of grandiosity where they would move to the United States and their life would be rosy, mine is still struggling with self-induced psychosis (possibly an exaggeration on my part but every time I’ve been updated on their status, it seems they fall further down the rabbit hole). But in the end, the two of us agreed that there was no point in throwing ourselves in the figurative fire to try and rescue those threatening to self-destruct because of their maladaptive beliefs/ thought processes. Something that was reiterated to me by someone who works at a mental health clinic when I divulged a little of the details of my mentally ill ex-friend.

Do I sometimes feel guilty for stepping away?

Yes.

But even before they’d fully gone off the deep-end, I’d slowly started to resent them for not contributing enough to our house hunting needs and failing to offer any help as I did most of the work.

Our dynamic, unfortunately, didn’t work. And I had always felt uncomfortable in how they’d previously put me on a pedestal. As if I was someone who could do no wrong. Even as I was struggling with my own familial relationships at the time!

Anyways, that’s not something I want to go into just yet. If you want to read about the fallout in our friendship from a semi-vague viewpoint, look out for my posts in 2022.

After our grim discussion, Dikottir and I arrived at the Cannery. Given that it was lunch time, we had a quick look at the Saturday stalls and the goods they had on offer. Once we had looked through everything once, Dikottir and I stopped at Frenchies Bistro and Brewery where I got a prawn and lobster roll while Dikottir was satisfied with his plate of tortellini.

Some might consider it strange to have lunch right after chowing down on dessert, but it worked for us. Plus, the ambiance was nice, the company was great and there was no pressing need to hurry back home.

All in all, it was a much more relaxed date that I shared with Dikottir this fourth time round. Whether or not it will eventually lead to anything is still up in the air.

Dikottir is a nice enough fellow who has some very funny stories. And he’s not so hyperfixated on only one topic. And much like Shrek, who came before him, he knows how to converse instead of making it completely one-sided. Plus, he also has a good job and hasn’t shown me any red flags of an explosive temper that could lead to physical violence.

So, if we are talking about actual potential future partner prospects, Dikottir is one of the strongest contenders for my affections I’ve met. And we’re still chatting!

And yet, I don’t think I feel anything beyond possible friendship?

Dating as an asexual (who might be a closeted lesbian although my date with Eivor didn’t see me catching feels, so maybe I truly am ace/ aro) is hard. I don’t understand the lust most people have. And while I do get obsessive squishes (something Sorrengail – and fellow ace – mentioned once to me), I don’t know if my brief bout of wanting to know more about a person will actually lead to romantic love like ‘holding hands’ and the much dreaded ‘kissing.’ On the other hand, since I’m trying to ‘date,’ many of these more natural things people just end up doing is on my mind and I wonder if my dates will actually try to hold my hand, etc. and how I’d react if they did.

While I don’t think I would reject Dikottir if he did ask to hold my hand, I am somewhat touch averse. Something I made clear when Dikottir escorted me back to the train station and we said our goodbyes.

To be fair, Dikottir did ask if he could give me a hug and I did warn him I’m very bad at hugs, but he didn’t seem to mind.

So maybe there’s hope?

I certainly didn’t ‘get the creeps’ after returning his hug.

Anyways, the future remains unwritten for the dating life of Kyndaris. Time will tell if I’ll ever end up with anyone or if I’ll just become a single mum seeking a sperm donation because the idea of having a kid is not instantly repulsive to me.

But suffering through childbirth does kinda terrify me. Especially when I’ve read horror stories about all the things that could go wrong.

Settle for Me

On March 5, 2024January 20, 2024 By kyndarisLeave a comment

It’s not often I go on dates during the holiday season. The reason should be obvious: most people put a heavy emphasis on such dates. After all, these dates are mostly for family, friends and…loved ones. But when one is still getting to know another, a heavy significance can be put on the periods between Christmas and New Years. So, when I told Dikottir that the Darkfield experiences had returned to Sydney (after he’d gone to several earlier in the year: Seance and Flight), he was eager to cross another one off his list. And he didn’t want to wait until after the holiday season to do so.

Thankfully, I did have a few days off between Christmas and New Years and could join him in one such experience: Coma. Although, I had a feeling he’d only chosen Coma so he could find a place to lie down for a good thirty or so minutes.

Not realising Darkfield would only be on at night, Dikottir and I initially planned to meet up for lunch. It was only when Dikottir was perusing tickets, and only finding sessions from 6:00 PM onwards, were we able to deduce these were evening-type events. Thankfully, I was able to message Dikottir before he’d left his apartment and we rescheduled our initial 11:00 AM start to 5:00 PM (wherein a rainstorm drenched Sydney in between).

Dikottir managed to spot me at Kinokuniya despite the fact I’d cut my hair short because of my iconic red jacket – the one I got during my trip to Egypt and Turkey back in 2023. As I waited for him, I’d perused the shelves of the bookshop before picking up one of the latest volumes of Monstress to while away the time. Once the initial greetings were done and dusted, Dikottir and I strolled down to Pitt Street Mall where he did some shoe shopping at the local Footlocker (and to use up his gift cards) by getting a new pair of black Asic joggers.

And while I had wanted to get a few new pairs of shoes (I ended up going to the Birkenhead Point shopping outlet), there wasn’t any styles I liked.

From Footlocker, we wandered down to the Lego Store. We had a brief exchange about Agatha Christie and the twists she incorporated in many of her mysteries, even as I ogled the Orient Express Lego set. And perfect for any person with an obsession for trains.

Not that I have one, mind you. Instead, I fell in love with the NASA Space Shuttle. Although, of course, the Lego Store in the city didn’t have it in stock at the time (I’d pick it up later in January at another store). Our visit to the Lego store went a little long and before we knew it, we were legging it over to Barangaroo. Of course, Dikottir deferred to my superior sense of direction and we arrived there without too much hassle.

But what to say about Coma?

Coma had us clamber into bunk beds inside a shipping container. What objects we did have, we put at the foot of the bed. There was a white pill one could ingest to heighten the experience. And there was a set of headphones (which had the volume on way too loud for my delicate sensitivities).

Once everyone had settled and either taken the while placebo pill (or not), the lights dimmed until all one could see was inky blackness and we were lulled by the audio descriptions we could hear.

While the experience wasn’t terrible, I suppose some of the illusion of being in a coma was shattered by the fact I could still move around if I so chose. And this was heightened by my state of discomfort of how I’d arranged my belongings at the foot of my bed (and that I was forced to sleep directly on my back).

For the most part, though, Coma wasn’t too bad as it narrated a few events and also primed the brain for several scents that were funnelled through a nearby vent on the right side of each bunk. My only complaint would be the loud buzzing at the end, which proved to be far too loud and irritating.

I have sensitive ears. I jump at loud noises. It is never good to have loud annoying buzzing near me.

After our Darkfield experience, we strolled back towards Barangaroo and the food options found therein. In the end, we settled for Ume burger and chatted jovially about the state of the world and the partisan nature of Australian politics.

Why does it always feel like our political parties are at each other’s throats? Why are they so unwilling to make concessions for the betterment of the people? Honestly, I feel as if most of the major parties treat each other like exes who really enjoy having hate sex because it’s the only way they get off with each other.

There just doesn’t seem to be any middle ground.

In any case, after the date with Dikottir, I returned home and began to ponder if after three dates I could see a future with him. But while I didn’t have butterflies fluttering around in my stomach at the thought of him, Dikottir was also inoffensive. We shared quite a few similarities. And if we were marrying not for love, I didn’t feel like there would be anything wrong with me choosing him as a life partner. The two of us would probably just end up doing our own things and then come together only when needed.

Plus, he had a decent job, seemed to have a good relationship with his parents, and he had a delightful dog that he liked to share pictures of. What wasn’t there to like?

And yet, this was not the romance I’d been sold in the stories and movies over the years. Quite literally, there was no ‘spark.’ No Anne Hathaway’s lifting of the foot a la The Princess Diaries. Although, to be fair, we haven’t even reached the stage of holding hands.

But the real question: do I want to hold hands with Dikottir?

Is this what non-ace/aro people feel compelled to do?

I mean, I did wonder what it might be like if he were to hold my hand but my brain couldn’t quite fathom what would happen afterwards. Would he then hold me in his arms and I’d ‘drown’ into his chocolate brown orbs?

Yes, I know I’m being facetious now but every time I ask someone what it’s like to fall for someone, I don’t get anything definitive. Just ‘oh, you’ll know it when you feel it.’

In any case, I’ve left the door open for future dates with Dikottir. He seems to be the strongest candidate so far. And I suppose I could so far worse. Now, if only I could get any sort of warm fuzzy feelings to start in some way or another because neither of us deserve to just ‘settle’ even if it would be a practical proposal.

Now, if only I could enter a 1920s black and white dance number with Santino Fontana.

Ice to Meet You

On February 5, 2024December 15, 2023 By kyndarisLeave a comment

After changing my preferences to women, it’s been much harder to meet new people. Unlike men, women are more secure about who they are. Or they just don’t use dating apps as religiously. In any case, my profile didn’t receive much in the ways of ‘likes’ and even when the two of us mutually decided to ‘match’ and chat, inevitably, they would stop responding after one or two exchanges. And given how ambivalent I am to the whole dating scene, when the conversations die off, I’m not all that ruffled. Instead, I just move on and try my luck elsewhere or sink a few more hours into a game.

In fact, in most conversations, I’m more reactive rather than proactive in my questioning. It’s hard for me to garner curiosity for someone I don’t really know. Especially because I’ve already learned from a young age not to dump on others about my niche interests. Or asking anything too nosy. Most of the time, these things come out in their own time. I’m a great listener, after all, and I tend to file away any and all scraps thrown my way.

Honestly, it’s just easier for everyone involved for me to sit back and observe the person opposite me as they rant and rave about what they like. But also, I just find it very hard to interrupt others.

Despite all this, I managed to have a meet-up with Eivor! That’s their codename because in one of their pictures they were dressed as a viking. Unlike all my other dates, this time I asked them for a meet-up (something I honestly hate doing), but considering she was the one who suggested adding each other first on Facebook Messenger (so she could send me pictures of her pets), I bucked up the courage to arrange a face-to-face meeting. After all, I’m an independent 31-year-old woman who don’t need no man!

[As an aside to all this, I’m still occasionally chatting with Dikottir. So, maybe I do still WANT a man? Who knows.]

And honestly, it was better that I took the initiative. Elsewise I might even now be waiting for someone to ask me out. Or to have someone reach out to me to invite me to an event.

It’s why I’ve bitten the bullet so many times in organising catch-ups with my work friends. For if not me, then who?

While books and video games are very important to me (and make any description of my weekends sound very boring – at least to me), but there’s something about maintaining my social connections that also resonates with me.I can’t live in my head forever. And being chronically online would also be terrible for my mental health. I mean, what if I fell in with the wrong crowd that enabled all my worst traits? Or who I could compare my self to and think: yes, I’m far more normal than they are and so my mental health isn’t flagging despite the fact I had a psychotic breakdown leading to hospitalisation for a week (if that’s sounding very specific, it’s because it is and that’s a whole other story to tell).

Anyways, long story short, Eivor and I had chatted for a while. I learned she was into sports and thought going on an ice-skating trip would be a bit different to all my usual first-dates at cafes. I arrived to the rink early. Unfortunately, Eivor was running a little late as she had chosen to save a little on money by doing an Uber Pool. But once she did arrive (and after I’d done a few rounds on the rink in the skates the Ice Zoo provided – which were more hockey skates than the blue skates usually handed out), we chatted as we circled the rink.

Mostly, it ended up as Eivor asking me more questions of me than I her. But given the amount of children celebrating their birthdays there, and the music, it wasn’t exactly the most conducive environment for a chat.

I learned she had a brother and was homeschooled. That she was often told she was quite ‘normal’ for not going through the usual curriculum when it came to learning but she was thankful her mother allowed to explore the subjects they were interested in. Including getting involved in a robotics competition run by Macquarie University. Something that sounded so cool to me and I hate myself for not asking more about it.

Unfortunately, being homeschooled meant she didn’t have an ATAR to allow her easy access into a degree. Eivor told me she had to sit for the SAT and when she was finally admitted into tertiary education, the one major difficulty she faced were standardised exams.

And honestly, so true! Standardised tests are the worst. They don’t even test anything practical about a subject – merely how well you might have crammed the information into your head the night before. It’s a complete and utter joke and doesn’t demonstrate one’s actual knowledge.

Once our ice-skating session was over (in which I embarrassed myself by trying to do my usual T-stop on the skates but being encumbered by a weighted penguin, resulting in me overbalancing and falling on the ice), we had a simple affair of chicken nuggets and chips at the cafe located at the rink. Although I did offer Eivor a ride to another suburb or a restaurant close by, she refused.

Which, honestly, is fair.

We were strangers and for all she knew, I COULD have been a serial killer (spoilers: I’m not. In fact, I’m always in fear of my own life when I go out on dates. Beyond that, she was taller than me and could probably deadlift me if she so chose.). It doesn’t help that so many of my friends have written into their wills that if they were to vanish under mysterious circumstances, I’d be to blame.

I should work on stamping out such baseless rumours. Permanently.

It wasn’t the best food to have. And it didn’t fill me up at all considering this was supposed to be lunch. Nevertheless, I didn’t want to pressure Eivor into anything and had let her take the lead. From there, we investigated the nearby antiques store. RIGHT as it began to sprinkle down heavy drops of RAIN!

Given I lived in one of the neighbouring suburbs, my mind instantly turned to the LAUNDRY I had painstakingly washed and hung out to dry (thankfully, it was still quite a warm day and when I got back home to check, they weren’t as wet as I thought despite the sudden sun shower).

Antique stores, it should be known, aren’t places I normally frequent. Yes, I visited Dirty Janes in Bowral during the light show back in June this year but old pieces of furniture isn’t something terribly enticing to someone like me. Probably because they aren’t exactly the ancient artefacts I would hope to find in an archaeological dig. The most interesting things I DID see were taxidermy animals and a few Chinese vases. Unfortunately, there were not enough weapons to catch my eye at the exhibit. Now, Dirty Janes had a veritable display of knives to peruse. As well as a few cases filled with butterflies that would have looked delightful.

And so ended my date with Eivor.

Throughout it all, there wasn’t much of a spark between us. Like many of the men, I wasn’t filled with any kind of lustful thoughts or a desire to know as much as I could about her. In fact, I think what I felt was a combination of anxiety (and wishing to impress) as well as mild disappointment.

I had been hoping to be wowed but Eivor was like any person I might walk by on my daily commute to the office. Any curiosity I had remained entirely detached like she was another face in a crowd of thousands.

Similarly, I didn’t feel like she was all that taken away by who I was. Some of that might be my below average self-worth, esteem and confidence talking but Eivor and I haven’t chatted much since the encounter out on the ice. In fact the conversation have all but dried up. So, I suppose it’s back to the drawing board for me.

It doesn’t help that I find it immensely boring to talk about myself. After all, there’s nothing truly exciting about my life (something I was warned not to say to strangers during a one-year-old’s birthday party. Of course, when you don’t know ANYONE at the birthday party and no-one extends a hand to chat with you – usually that’s me actually – it’s a difficult endeavour). But whenever I try to talk about a few of my passion projects, the conversation always seems to jump to another topic.

And given I’m more a Wednesday Addams wallflower than an Enid SInclair extrovert, it’ll probably keep on being the same old story every time.

In fact, I told one of my friends that I think a possible ideal partner for me would be to have an excitable golden retriever chasing after my grouchy cat arse.

But beggars can’t be choosers in the game of love. So, I guess we’ll simply have to see where the next step takes me. Or I can just be satisfied with being single. And honestly? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Cubano Breaks

On December 19, 2023November 12, 2023 By kyndarisLeave a comment

After several unsuccessful chats with men on the app, I turned my Hinge preferences to women only. Dikottir and Game Master managed to sneak past the gate, wherein I went on a few extra dates with them but they have been the sole surviving men who have made it through my exacting requirements.

So saying, Game Master has somewhat dropped off in terms of conversation in recent weeks. Either because he forgot or he’s busy at work or he feels as if the chemistry has petered off and has moved on to someone else.

It…doesn’t really matter.

As for Dikottir, we still chat and he’s always eager to show off pictures of his pet dog. Of course, neither one of us are excellent conversationalists (and we may share personality traits that make it hard for us to be texting non-stop. Possibly because we’re both secure in who we are and don’t feel the need to constant bombard the other person? Who knows. I know there are days where I don’t feel like I have much to contribute to anything and would rather just sit and play video games/ stream a TV show on Netflix).

But while men tend to message almost near constantly, women, are a different beast altogether. Weeks might go from liking a photo before you receive a non-committal response and you don’t know if you ought to introduce yourself or just go into a tangent about a topic of interest.

It’s always a bit hard when I’m shy, both online and in person, when it comes to meeting new people. But once the conversation starts, I can become quite gregarious when the mood takes me. And confrontational too as happened during one of the dinner dating experiences where I met Hong Kong and Jordan.

Anyways, suffice it to say, it’s been hard trying to date women in comparison to men. Although, there have been a few I’ve managed to talk to now.

None of them, of course, being Rad from Good Game because, believe or not, I saw she had a profile on HINGE! And yes, I may have liked a photo in the hopes we could become friends. Alas.

Still, perhaps it’s for the best. How do you approach someone you’ve seen on the internet anyways? And it would just be too weird. Like suddenly realising Natalie Tran of communitychannel fame were to reach out to me and declare that we’re best buds. Of course, that hasn’t stopped me from hoping I’d bump into her on the streets of Sydney one of these days and either hugging her or giving her a chill fist-bump.

As you do.

In so saying, one of my friends who reads this blog has a sister who only knows of the Kyndaris represented here in these words. And it’s a little unnerving when I ponder the possibility of her ever meeting me in person because I’m certainly not as eloquent when speaking in person. Then there’s the fact of my appearance. Honestly, I’m just afraid I’d disappoint.

Anyways, dating!

So, although it’s nearly the end of the year on writing this post, I’ve not actually gone on any dates with women. Yes, we chat, but neither side is willing to take the plunge. And given the fact I’m more of a Wednesday rather than an Enid, it might take a very long time. Unless I gather up my courage and simply ask.

Unfortunately, though, my weekends have been quite packed with a lot of catch-ups with friends and (at time of writing) my poor grandmother was hospitalised after we went to check her failing eyesight at an ocular surgeon’s clinic. And no, it’s nothing serious and she’ll probably have been discharged when this post goes live, but it’s just another burden on me. Coupled with the fact my mum has absconded to China, it’s not been an easy few months.

On the plus side, it won’t be as weird if there IS a connection with a special someone and I decide to bring them back to my place? Not sure what we’d do, though. Maybe they can watch me play video games? Or we could just chat.

So, this isn’t a story about going on a date with someone. This, dear reader, is a story about NEARLY going on a date with someone.

But how can you NEARLY go out on a date with someone, I hear you ask? Quite simple!

In early October, after my road trip with a few friends down to the Southern Coast, I was texting a woman – let’s call her Senorita. We exchanged a chats about mythology, primarily in terms of Medusa and if Athena’s actions were right or not. But while she was of the view Athena turned the woman into a Gorgon in order to protect Medusa, I told Senorita it depends on which version of the myth you read as the legends have been retold over the centuries with a new bent.

Plus, if Athena truly wanted to protect Medusa, why give Perseus a mirror shield to help slay the poor woman afterwards? In any case, the Greek Gods were a contrary lot and trying to understand their motives is an exercise in futility.

From humble beginnings, Senorita then asked if I was more of an impulse-driven thrill seeker or someone who liked to plan things out. The answer, I’m sure, dear reader, you can figure out.

After I gave her my answer, she told me to live a little and then asked if I was free on the weekend.

Unfortunately, I was not as I was catching up with friends and needed some time out after going on a road trip and then getting a hair cut, and then driving all the way to Central Coast to show it off to a dear friend.

So, then, I posed the question if Senorita was free the next weekend. Her response? She was going camping. Which, honestly, was fair.

She did, however, tell me she was free on Friday.

I, however, told her I was going to meet work friends on Friday in Parramatta to check out a festival involving good food, music and entertainment. Senorita, for some unknown reason, latched onto the idea of meeting up afterwards. But by afterwards, she meant about 6 PM, only an hour after the festival would begin.

Given the time constraints, and the fact I’d already agreed ahead of time to meet my work friends, I replied it would be tight but I would see what I could do. I even informed her it might have to be after 6, and perhaps 7, if we wanted to grab dessert or something for a quick meet-up.

Senorita agreed.

On the day, I caught up with my work friends at 5 PM, right outside the train station before we headed further into the festival of ‘Parramatta Lanes.’ Along the way, we admired the stalls, checking to see what kind of foods were on offer. I, of course, showed off my new haircut to their utter amazement as they hadn’t expected such a dramatic change from me.

After heading down the main food street in Parramatta, we headed to the rooftop party at a local carpark. One foodtruck that caught our eye was Kurepu Crepes Harajuku, the most tiktoked crepe! Unfortunately, none of my work friends were eager to join the massive line.

Unsatisfied with the food options available, we headed to an actual restaurant. By then, it was 6 PM and I let Senorita know I was having dinner with my work friends. I even gave her the option of coming over to where we were eating: Coco Cubano or meeting up afterwards. For some reason, Senorita was reticent, telling me to enjoy dinner but not advising if we were going to meet up later.

By the time my work friends and I finished dinner, it was a few minutes after 7. Given I’d given Senorita that approximate timeframe, and with my work friends wishing to depart right afterwards, I messaged Senorita to see if they were keen for that meet-up.

As I walked to my car, I received no reply from the woman. By then, it had been a good thirty minutes since I’d sent her the message and I wasn’t keen on waiting around for someone who wouldn’t reply to me even though I had been giving her clear communication throughout the night, and she had tried to force a meet-up even after I’d told her I was meeting friends.

It wasn’t until I finally got home that I received a message from Senorita over Hinge telling me she didn’t think I’d be able to make it and that she agreed to go to a gig with a friend. She then told me we could reschedule the meet-up (which, honestly, should have happened beforehand with her realising I wasn’t going to ditch my friends over someone I’d only just chatted to on the internet). I wished her luck at the gig and she told me she would.

Since then, we haven’t chatted since although I was very tempted to unmatch her there and then.

What I got out of the entire experience was the temerity of some of the people on the Hinge app. Why force yourself into a night out when I was already seeing my work friends? And then later flake even though I had told you exactly where I was and the approximate time I’d finish?

Utterly no respect!

My eye was constantly on the time but I didn’t want to be rude to my work friends and brush them off.

In the end, though, if given the same choice, I’d pick my work friends every time over a woman like Senorita.

It also soon transpired that Senorita worked Sunday to Thursday. So, if you were available to meet on Friday, dear Senorita, why were you only camping for a day on Saturday? Is it even camping if you don’t do it overnight?

Anyways, it was good riddance to a time-waster.

I’m not sure if the other women I’m currently chatting to will burn me just as bad as Senorita, but it’s the risk one takes by putting oneself out there. At the very least, I’m getting to meet new people. And hey, if it doesn’t work out, I still have my fictional boyfriends/ girlfriends to keep me going. Along with my Squishmellow Snorlax.

Mirror Maze

On November 5, 2023October 2, 2023 By kyndarisLeave a comment

Although there were no immediate sparks between Dikottir and me, we continued to chat on Hinge. Unlike many of the other men I chatted to, Dikttori wasn’t very consistent in his messages over Hinge. Occasionally, a day or two would pass before I’d receive a response from him. Supposedly it was because he’d draft a response and forget to send it through or Hinge would glitch on his android phone.

Whatever the reason, he wasn’t consistently spamming me with messages, which was a nice change of pace because I’m often playing video games or writing up blog posts or editing my stories, and leaving my phone far away from me. Something that most would regard as abnormal for a Millennial, but the only time I take my phone is when I’m dying of boredom and don’t have a convenient book lying around. In fact, my mother uses her phone far more than I do and you can see it in the battery health.

Still, I thought it best to get to know Dikottir a little better. After all, I’m a slow burn type of person. It’s only when I’ve become friends with someone and known them for a quite a while before I start to properly open up.

While they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, I find the opposite holds true when you’re first trying to get to know someone. Shocking, I know, coming from an introvert who never seems to leave the sanctity of the house.

So, when the the PowerHouse Museum featured the Kaleidoscope exhibit, I asked Dikottir if he was interested. This was, after all, the man who had suggested checking out Oh! Bento and who had earlier gone twice to an Air Crash/ Seance exhibition at the PowerHouse.

Thankfully, Dikottir hadn’t been to Kaleidoscope just yet and was open to checking it out. After arranging a date amenable to the two of us, we bought our tickets online separately.

I arrived early to the date, mostly because I needed to roam around the city a little in order to buy a Father’s Day gift for my stepfather. Kyndaris, I hear you international readers ask, wasn’t Father’s Day in June? Well, no. In Australia, it’s celebrated on the first weekend of September. Which was when Dikottir and I went on our date to the Kaleidoscope.

Given the fact that my stepfather and I weren’t on talking terms, I wasn’t certain how much effort I ought to put into present buying. But I knew I wanted to do something better than buying him a pair of underwear like my mother. After all, I’m a pretty observant individual (at least I like to think so) and knew he had an interest in taking photos. Whether the photos he took were good or not, I couldn’t say. It’s not like he showed me.

And it was the easiest of his hobbies to buy for as his ones included playing sport, reading online stories or playing mahjong on his phone.

By the time I rocked up to Kaleidoscope, I’d purchased a cleaning kit and a strap for my stepfather.

Along the way, I stopped by Anime Kaika. From the name alone, it should come as no surprise that the store is where people can anime merchandise. Inside, three Nenderoids caught my eye: Kingdom Hearts III Riku, Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth.

While I was tempted to buy at least one of them, in order to add to my collection of figurines (which, albeit isn’t very extensive), I withheld on the purchase. After all, I am a woman with a mortgage and limited funds. I am, as well, a responsible adult who spends her money on normal adult things. Like groceries, books, video games, books, work clothes, books, video games and other necessary items.

Anyways, after a quick jaunt through the city, I arrived outside the Kaleidoscope exhibit near the PowerHouse museum. It wasn’t long before Dikttori joined me and the two of us entered the mirror maze. Almost immediately, I discovered a trick to help differentiate the critical path and what were a series of reflections: staring at the ground and seeing where the bottom of the mirror was. Dikottir, impressed by my talents, informed me I’d no doubt be an excellent competitor of the hit Netflix show Squid Game or its final survivor.

Something I very much doubted because some of the games played were pure luck rather than skill. And I’d no doubt die in some gruesome manner one way or the other.

Not to mention the fact that I’d probably also be one of the first to turn into a zombie if the world descended into a zombie apocalypse.

After a good thirty minutes where Dikottir and I were thoroughly turned around, we managed to escape Kaleidoscope, taking photos of what it looked like in the daytime and the impressive evening light show.

From Kaleidoscope, we hoofed it to World Square where we enjoyed some Ippudo ramen (it was a cold September night) and chatted about the upcoming Voice referendum (which by the time this post goes up will have ended) and other social causes that we believed strongly in. After filling our stomachs with ramen, Dikottir tried to locate a Thai dessert place. But unlike most men I knew, he was surprisingly terrible at directions, and I had to step in to slowly guide him to Mango Coco.

Unfortunately, the line there was huge so we abandoned our initial plans of dessert and headed for a bubble tea place on George Street instead. As we walked, we talked about work and our lives, before we stopped by a busker playing anime, game and classical music on his portable keyboard.

Just like that, the night was over.

Did I think Dikottir and I were a good match?

Well, he certainly had a decent job and we shared similar sentiments when it came to politics (which, honestly, probably isn’t something that should be raised during dates but there it is), but I can’t say if I felt anything for him beyond the fact he seemed a decent and affable man. Dikottir was certainly more educated than many of the others I’d met and seemed wiser than his thirty odd years.

It begs the question why a man like him hadn’t settled down earlier with a nice girl.

But it also makes me wonder if I am aromantic as well as asexual. Or if perhaps my romantic interests lie elsewhere. Dating women, however, is a difficult endeavour and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find the right person for me to prove or disprove my suspicions.

I know, of course, that I can obsess over people and feel deep platonic care and worry for my friends…but where does one draw the line between friendship and romance? It’s a question I’m still trying to figure out. Which is difficult for me as I always feel like I’m a step behind.

Still, that hasn’t stopped me from shipping Maddox and Ashlyn from High School Musical the Musical the Series. I’m not sure why I started watching the show but it tickles a part of my brain. It’s almost like a guilty pleasure.

And I’ve had many over the years.

After all, why DID I watch all the seasons of Pretty Little Liars and even Ravenswood spin-off? I watched all the seasons of Once upon a Time, too! And Glee!

Gah, why am I exposing myself like this? Forget those last few paragraphs! Strike it from your memory!

The point of this post, and my dating adventures, is that finding love is hard. And while I wish I could know deep in my bones if I like-like someone, I’m the type that will somehow convince myself it was all in my head and switch such feelings off.

Or, perhaps, by the time the year is done, I’ll have fallen head over heels in love with someone and be singing a different tune.

Oh! Bento, My Bento!

On October 5, 2023October 2, 2023 By kyndarisLeave a comment

After a slew of interactions with less than stellar individuals on Hinge, I started to despair whether or not dating was for me and if I ought to put an end to this strange experiment of mine to find a significant other. In fact, after having someone just talk at me about how great Japanese light novels were in comparison to ‘western literature,’ I changed my dating preferences to women only.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I was exhausted by men. And two, because for a while I’ve been questioning whether or not if I wanted a man in my life.

Confession time.

During high school and even at university, I never had crushes on anyone. In Year 8, I was told that another classmate might have had a crush on me, but while I tried to suss out their interest because I was flattered by the fact (although I thought I was toad in terms of the looks department – and I honestly still think I am), I never did get a proper read of his interests and began to doubt the claims made by my friends.

In fact, for a lot of my life, I’ve been told by others whether or not I’ve ‘crushed’ on others. But when I try to explore my own feelings on the matter, I’ve not thought of them as romantic. In fact, romance is a thing I’ve struggled to understand.

How DO you know if you like someone in that way? I’ve certainly never wanted to jump anyone’s bones and the mere thought of engaging in those acts turns me off.

It’s why I’ve often wondered if I was asexual. After watching a video where a YouTuber explained their own personal experience, I’m starting to think I truly do sit on that asexual spectrum.

But men, women or anything in between, that hasn’t precluded me from romancing fictional characters. And in fact, I’ve enjoyed my time with many a great digital construct be that Garrus Vakkarian or Riku or Morrigan. Then, of course, there’s the fact that I ship any and all types of relationships although some of my favourites in recent history has been Imogen Temult x Laudna, Catra x Adora, Kaz xInej, Arenza x Grey and Tifa Lockhart x Cloud Strife (although, I wouldn’t mind Tifa and Aerith somehow becoming a pair in Remake). Of course, I also read some very questionable ships like Jacob Seed x Female Deputy…so take what I enjoy reading with a grain of salt – particularly if it has anything to do with AO3. There’s a lot of messed up stuff on there.

So, don’t read it!

You’ve been warned, dear readers.

Still, it was the trip that I went on in March this year that solidified that perhaps my interests were a little bit fruity. Despite the fact that the woman was married, there was something magnetic about her personality and I wanted to be around her. Sure, I wasn’t going to immediately jump her bones but I did want to know as much as I could about her.

And when I think about a few of the interactions in the past, it’s been the same. I might not have admitted it to myself but during a trip to China camp back in 2008, there was another girl that I really wanted to get to know better. It was somewhat disappointing to know that she was also popular with the boys too, but a part of me wished that we would be best friends.

Did it mean I wanted to be romantically entangled with her?

Who knows. I was unsure of my actual feelings at the time though I knew there was a strange sort of obsession on my part to be a really good friend to them.

But the wider implications passed me by.

I didn’t know if that made me gay or not. In fact, I never truly pondered that question properly until now. Especially when in high school, a friend pretended (or at least I thought they were pretending) to be overly amorous with me and I never felt inclined to return it.

Heterosexuality had always defined my understanding of romance and I never much challenged it until more recently.

In any case, back to my dating!

Before I was unceremoniously kidnapped by a group of my friends for an impromptu road trip down to Canberra for Oz Comic-Con (and thereby proving White Coat correct that maybe I do go to a lot of conventions), I met up with another hopeful at a small cafe in Chippendale called Something for Jess before we toured the Oh!Bento exhibit at the Japanese Foundation.

This man, from a purely objective standpoint, was probably one of the better candidates that I’d met. Dikotter (my code name for him) had a good job as a software engineer, was always intent on self-improvement and had his own interests that didn’t become his entire personality. There was a maturity to Dikotter that I appreciated and found common ground with – especially when it came to our discussions after we toured the Oh! Bento exhibit and Fortress and were sitting at a dessert bar for nigh on two hours.

Dikotter was a man that didn’t just talk at me about his latest hyperfixation or how strange it was that he had such ‘normie’ work colleagues that didn’t understand video games. Rather, he was much more introspective and was able to provide more thought-provoking questions than I’d expected.

In fact, I probably came off as the less intelligent of the pair of us as he asked what I might do if I had access to a billion dollars.

He also respected that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my job and we somehow ended up on a semi-serious conversation about dictators and the echoes of current China with Mao Zedong’s Cultural Revolution.

Hence the codename.

We had both read Frank Dikotter’s work on modern Chinese history. And that’s not something I ever thought I would share with anyone I’ve met on any of my dates. Most of the time, I’ve had the same discourse on favourite video games as men try to think of something interesting to talk about without realising how quickly they limit themselves by making these things the dominant subject.

So, yes, meeting a fellow intellectual and one that knew how to dress well (or at least not in an unironed shirt and cargo pants) and was good at making conversation/ a lively debate on the pitfalls of socialism/ communism was something I most definitely appreciated even though I wasn’t sure if we had any romantic chemistry.

Does this mean there might be hope for Dikotter? Maybe.

As yet, I’m still unsure where I swing when it comes to pursuing a relationship. Do I actually fancy the fairer sex? I, honestly, don’t know. But I’m also hesitant to commit to Dikotter in saying that we’d be endgame.

A part of that may come from my ambivalence in terms of romantic relationships but I think that if we do become friends, it will definitely be a much more interesting partnership than I’ve known with most except on the odd occasion when I chat with individuals much older than I am and who have a wealth of life experience to draw on for their thoughts and opinions.

The Writing Corner

Tag: hinge