Tag: hinge

The History of Wrong Guys

On By kyndarisLeave a comment

Although White Coat and I had made plans to check out the Bastille Day celebrations at Circular Quay and the Rocks, in the weeks leading up to it I just couldn’t bear to bring myself to keep chatting with him. At least, on the Hinge app. It just seemed like h wasn’t putting in the same amount of effort and then he’d make statements that sounded oddly like conclusions or judgements of who I was as a person. None of which sat well with me.

For example, it just so happened that I went to both Supanova and SMASH this year. Two annual conventions that are the talk of the city of Sydney when they come round. Instead of asking if I go to a lot of conventions, he simply said: you go to a lot of conventions, then. End statement. Nothing more to it.

I know that conversations with men can be obtuse. But I’m sorry? Is going to two conventions a lot in a single year? What IS the definition of ‘a lot’ anyways? True, over the course of 10 years, I’ve been to quite a few conventions. Perhaps one or two each year, which would make the number in the low 20s, but when I compare myself to true regulars of these events, that number pales in comparison.

After all, some people have gone to these events since they were young children.

But you don’t know that, Mr White Coat. From our conversations, you would only know that I went to SMASH and Supanova THIS year. And that I went to PAX Aus last year. So, the number of known conventions I’ve been to, at least to your knowledge sits at 3. Which, by all standards and measurements is not ‘a lot’ by any means.

You can see where I’m going with this.

Worse than that, White Coat simply didn’t offer much in stimulating conversation When, one weekend, he told me of the ‘board games’ he had played with his friends, I queried which board games in particular he had played. His answer? Star Wars Armada. That’s it. That was his sole answer.

He didn’t expand. Nor did he mention any other board games.

I ask you, dear reader, what is a person to make of that?

The more I chatted with him, the less inspired or motivated I was to continue with the conversation. If he wasn’t going to put in the effort, why should I? There was clearly no curiosity and there was naught of worth to talk about.

One scintillating conversation we had before I broke it off was how much he was enjoying his two weeks holiday because he worked at a school and that he’d taken a walk along the Parramatta River.

The other riveting conversation we had was how much he hated being interrupted by students during his many meet-ups and ‘dates’ and the generational gap it came to chatting with his fellow work colleagues when he made a Half-Life 2 reference and they didn’t get it.

In the end, I dreaded the second date so much that I told him in uncertain words that whatever this relationship was between us, it wasn’t going to get past the acquaintance stage. Still, I remained polite and wished him all the best in his future dating endeavours. I simply wasn’t the ONE for him.

Of course, he had to leave with a parting shot that I ought to change around my profile pictures. No ‘good luck Kyndaris.’ Or an ‘I understand but I think you should give me a second chance.’ No, no. Just another negging comment about what my profile picture should be.

Not soon after, I began chatting with another person on Hinge only to unmatch them soon after as they dumped on me about the virtues of Japanese light novels and how they could be incredibly complex but also provide some light relief in the form of comedy. And maybe that worked for him but as someone that likes ‘Western literature (something to which he referred to other books that weren’t in the purview of his favourite genre),’ my brief contact with Japanese light novels had left much to be desired.

I mean, I’m all for people reading what they like. It’s a good thing that more people are reading. But you don’t have to drag on high-fantasy novels.

It always felt like I needed to defend why I liked reading fantasy of the Western literature kind. So, things like Brandon Sanderson or Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings.

But worse than that, all he wanted to do was spam me about his one hyperfixation. Even when I attempted to change the topic and ask about his other interests, he went back to talking about, and comparing, Death Note to a fantasy comedy manga. Of particular note was how superior the fantasy manga was because the sequence of events for a particular character was logical as it made sense in its own world and how he had to put down Death Note because he couldn’t get past one implausible aspect of the plot.

Dear readers, I’ll have you know, I did try to give him a chance. But it was just too much. And after bouncing off White Coat, I couldn’t handle being talked at rather than talked to.

These kinds of incidents only seem to make me feel lonelier than ever. More than that, it chips already at my low self-worth – not that I need the external validation but are these the quality of people that I can attract? Men that just talk about themselves without giving much thought to a healthy discussion of life, the universe and everything?

It’s like they’re all just focused on their own very internal lives and niche interests without turning their mind to the complexities of the world we live in.

But also, it’s just not attractive at all.

And it makes me wonder if this is what love has been reduced to. Or maybe that trying to date men was the wrong move entirely and I should redouble my efforts with trying to meet a nice woman that I can get along well with.

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure which way I swing still, or if I swing for any side at all. All I do know is that the people I’ve kinda been obsessed with or wanted to know more about/ be friends with desperately have been women. Like, this one popular sporty girl during China camp or this married woman on a recent trip to Egypt.

But the question, of course, is if it’s actual romantic/ sexual attraction or if it’s because there’s an aspect to them that I really admire and wish I could emulate in my own life.

It’s probably the confidence.

I just wish I shared their same confidence and could exude it in my day to day. Maybe that’ll win me the person of my dreams?

Who knows.

In any case, I don’t really think online dating is for me. And I’ve given it a heck of a try. A year’s worth of effort and time spent into talking to strangers.

Will things progress with Game Master? Or will there be a new contender for my affections? Stay tuned to Dating 2.0!

The Singles Mixer

On By kyndarisLeave a comment

Over the last few weeks, after returning from my overseas trip, my dating life has all but dried up. Conversations grow stale on Hinge. After a few days, messages start to drop off as life gets busy. People tread and retread topics. And even my own enthusiasm at finding love withers and dies on the vine. It doesn’t matter that some of my friends, both at work and in my personal life, look upon what I’ve written on this blog and feel inspired to put themselves on the market. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been much chemistry between me and a stranger on the internet. No whirlwind romance.

So, in a fit of desperation, I signed myself up to a singles event to mingle and chat with complete strangers at a suburban club with stereotypical Aussie pub food disguised as Italian. Fun!

As soon as I did though, I began to despair that I’d signed myself up for yet another disappointing experience. The doubts returned. Will people judge me too harshly because I don’t put on make-up? Should I wear a dress?

Long story short, there was a lot of dread leading up to the event. In the end, I mustered as much courage as I could and went with a nice pair of black skinny jeans, a shirt and vest combo along with a blazer.

You may ask, dear reader, why I was so dressed up. Well, the answer is simple. It was bloody cold! A wintry polar chill was blowing through Sydney in early May. While I did not know where we would be sitting beforehand, it was lucky I dressed warmly for we were outside. Well, maybe not technically outside but it was in an area of the club that was open to the cold cutting wind.

Thankfully, I’m always prepared and I didn’t suffer too much. Else I might have walked away from the mixer with more than just disappointment.

As soon as I entered, I was caught off-guard by the large jump in age ranges for those in attendance, as well as the diversity of people that were there. So many came from various walks of life. As for me, I quickly found a spot at the kid’s table (which was essentially the 30-40 year olds) before I was joined by a man from Hong Kong.

Like I’ve told many a work colleague and friend, this man was…well…very loud. At least, that’s the best way to describe him in a single word. As soon as we met, he boasted that he had just turned 40 this year and wasn’t shy at admitting that he had been previously married and had two kids. These are important facts, by the by, as Hong Kong would repeat it numerous times throughout the night without much prompting.

The next person I met was from Jordan. Older than Hong Kong by a year, he too had previously been married but only had one child (a fact that Hong Kong was eager to say he beat Jordan in).

Fun fact, both Hong Kong and Jordan were civil engineers. Hong Kong was busy digging out tunnels for the West Connex while Jordan was responsible for constructing stadiums all across the world. These were facts that enticed the third man I met that day: Data. 

And yes, I would have preferred referring to each other by ethnic background but Data never did mention it. He did, however, work in IT and it had taken some coaxing to get him to sit closer for a proper conversation. It was apparently Data’s first event of this kind with the dating agency. While it was technically my second (having previously attended a speed dating event prior to COVID), this had been my first real outing to try and mingle with people outside of my usual circle. So, I suppose in many ways, it was also my first.

We were later joined by a financial planner, lawyer, board game designer, two more individuals that dabbled in IT and a university student. Suddenly, there were three more women at the table, although we were still outnumbered by the men.

Ever so cautiously, we began to talk. Introductions were made when we told everyone our names, our profession, hobbies and a hidden talent/ something interesting that had happened recently. Of course, with the other tables also seating so many others, it was hard to hear everyone – especially when they were on the far end of the table opposite of where I sat. Occasionally, we were interrupted mid-introduction as the waiters came to take our drink and food orders.

Overall, I’d have to say that our conversations were quite tame. The only time it ever got remotely risque was when Hong Kong was regaling us with how the moments of his children’s birth had been the most joyous moment in his life although it had also been laborous day of worrying for his ex-partner. Oh, and that he would tell his ten-year-old daughter that she ought to have a natural birth. Something he repeated multiple times as if he knew exactly what it was to have a natural birth. Hong Kong, of course, was a man. That he had never carried a child to term or felt the most agonising pain that came with childbirth was something he glossed over. Natural birth was the way to go! He would have it no other way for every woman.

I, a woman, was quick to challenge his very set views. And while I wasn’t quite arguing that every woman should go Caesarian, I wanted to make clear that the miracle of birth was not something so easy as Hong Kong thought it was. Even the other women agreed that it should be personal choice or dependent upon the circumstances.

Hong Kong, it should be said, was very much a character. While I cannot say for certain how much was truth or slight exaggeration, he was also eager to tell us all that he had studied law and geology (or earth science as he described it). It was for this very reason, and because of how he was raised, that he was against food waste (which is admirable) and that, you know, he was the father of two children.

He ate most of my salad and a chip that fell onto the relatively messy table.

So, while I would have liked to learn more about Jordan or the other people at the table, most of my interactions were limited by the gregarious nature of Hong Kong.

I will, admit, however, that I did have an interesting conversation that was, unfortunately, cut short with the man that dabbled in game design. From his own admission, it seemed that he was also an introvert. One whose social battery ran out more quickly with strangers than it did with his friends. And while there have been many a discussion into this interesting phenomena for introverts, I tried to explain it from my own experience of hiding away aspects that I feel would never fit quite well in a particular context.

For example, when talking to many of my work colleagues, I won’t really talk about video games as none of them really dabble in the hobby. I mean, it might be nice to go off on a tangent about the ones I like or the ones I’ve been currently playing but I know that they aren’t interested. True, they know I play them but it’s easier for us to talk about things that we have in common like TV shows or bemoan the fact that we’re all corporate drones.

Similarly, among my friendship circle, I don’t have many that share my enthusiasm for books or musicals. Sure, they might come to watch Wicked because it tickles their fancy, but I’ve had to find other people to go see Moulin Rouge or Six or The Rocky Horror Show. Even when it comes to books, I struggle to find those that have also read a majority of the Brandon Sanderson books or are willing to give the Rook and the Rose series a try (honestly, everyone, please read it).

Maybe I could find a Discord group to chat with others but my fandom rarely runs so deep that I feel compelled to chat about one thing for the rest of time.

Hence, I suppose, my very broad knowledge of pop-culture. But if you told me that Spider-Man travelled to another dimension with Mary Jane, I’d stare at you agog.

There are plenty of things that I know of only tangentially. And that’s fine too. Gate-keeping, an experience I experienced back in high school when Starcraft II came out, only limits the exposure of a good thing to others. This is especially prevalent when it comes to certain games that are praised for their difficulty, but can be found elsewhere too.

Regardless, these ‘facets’ of myself that I use in my daily interactions with other people are tiring. That I have to muster up enthusiasm for a person/ people that I don’t know when I’d rather pull out a book or stay at home and play through video games can be draining. In comparison, if you are among friends that share similar interests, it is easier to match your energy with theirs, especially if they’re more laidback about it all and don’t expect a prim perfect version of yourself.

Suffice it to say, I went out to meet people. I chatted to a few interesting characters, some I wouldn’t mind chatting to again. And I arrived back home late enough to have missed King Charles’s coronation but was early enough to catch Camilla get crowned as Queen. And there we have it! The Singles Mixer when no-one individual was that excited to interact with me except eat my food.

But maybe I came off as too strong.

It doesn’t matter.

What does matter was putting myself out there and being open to new experiences. And that is always worth it.

I think.

Hey There, You’re an All Star

On By kyndarisLeave a comment

Contestant number three followed a week after number two. His name, or as how he shall be referred to in these blogs will be Shrek. Why? Because during our Hinge chats, he subtly slid in the lyrics of one of the most one hit wonders of all time. And because, afterwards, when I relayed my experience to my friends, I told them that he ‘Smash-Mouthed’ me. And no, dear readers, I know where your garbage brain has gone, but get it out of the gutter!

Our meet-up was a simple affair at a local shopping centre in a suburb of Sydney. More specifically, it was in the north-west corner of the greater Sydney region. No, not Richmond with all the flooding. A bit more north and a little less west.

Still confused? Excellent. I wasn’t going to specify exactly where it was in case there are Sydneysiders that read my blog and somehow manage to track me down.

To be fair, it was probably the most tamest of encounters: out in public and in broad daylight. Though I tried to recruit my friends to spy on us, they all decided to head elsewhere.

The cowards.

Instead, I had a work colleague serving as my eyes and ears during the meet-up. Celebrating his birthday, he was also in the area with his girlfriend to enjoy a subpar lunch at Crinitis.

And even though it’s been a few weeks since (of writing at least), I’m not sure if I’m thankful for his presence or if I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

The way he winked at me behind Shrek…

The stalker photo of us shopping…

You know what? I’ve changed my mind. Maybe murder truly is the answer.

For, at this rate, my stainless reputation at work will be ruined! How will I continue to be a Goddess among mortals when they have glimpsed behind the curtain and seen the truth of who I am?

It shall not stand!

But back to the date on hand.

Despite the fact that I had received a phone call from a friend’s mother asking if said friend was in my car (they weren’t) and that I was desperately trying to organise a way for their mother to get in touch so that they could pass off the car keys (firing off messages left, right and centre after parking), I arrived earlier than Shrek.

He, like many that frequent this shopping centre, was struggling to find parking. And instead of parking close by, he had parked all the way on the other side of the shopping complex. Initially, reading what he had messaged me, I had assumed he had found a spot in the mall opposite our immediate meeting venue. And so, I stationed myself near the pedestrian crossing, expecting him to appear.

While I did not encounter Shrek (as he had parked not where I had expected and had subsequently approached through the shopping centre and was therefore behind me), I did bump into my work colleague and wished him a ‘happy birthday’ before greeting his girlfriend.

After advising them of what the next hour or so would entail, I returned to my waiting spot, eyes on my phone for any indication from Shrek whether or not they had arrived. After getting an idea of what he was wearing and having a look around the plaza, I spotted him near the entrance and walked on over to greet him. Introductions made and with our stomachs growling, we headed to the closest restaurant: Korean fried chicken. Or, as I like to refer to it, my favourite type of KFC.

Over lunch, we talked about family, our interests and what we else we had planned over the weekend. You know, the riveting type of conversations you usually have when you meet a person in the flesh for the first time. And even though it’s not a job interview, you’re still desperately trying to impress. Just a little. So, maybe it was a little stilted as we were trying to find safe topics to navigate through.

No longer was it as easy to converse as it was through chat.

Although, to be honest, many of my friends do find me much more loquacious via written communication than verbal. But! On the plus side, my interactions in the work place and my desire to know everything about someone else’s life has made me a bit more adept at verbal wordplay! Huzzah!

In the end, I confirmed that Shrek had a sister (there was picture of him and her on his dating profile – one in which he hadn’t scrubbed out her face), that he was lactose intolerant (to a degree) and that much of his extended family were located overseas in the UK and the US of A.

Our chat was nice and it seemed like Shrek was the type of person to listen, if apologise for my life situation a bit too much. Certain parts of it can suck. But sometimes it’s also the attitude you bring to those circumstances – as some might say. I’m not all about the self-pity party, even if I do like to complain about the direction my life has gone on the rare occasion. Certainly, it’s not the perfect life that I wish it to be, but when has life ever gone so swimmingly for the normal person?

That aside, we also had an enjoyable chat after lunch as we did some shopping. We stopped at Good Games, where I picked up another board game.

The meet-up was somewhat ruined by the fact that Shrek feared I was not familiar with where the shop was located and he tried to point me towards its. Despite the fact that I’d frequented this shopping centre for goodness knows how many times in the past several years.

It was kind of cute, even as I recalled the moment one of my previous work colleagues also tried to explain the suburb of Mays Hill because most others hadn’t heard of it. Mate, I used to live around that area throughout most of my childhood. I know where it is.

In fact, I know a lot of things. But let’s not go there.

The spectrum of INTJ, INFJ and ISFJ are showing.

Once we had surveyed all that there was on offer, even stopping by the Lego store, I walked Shrek back towards his car. Well, not his car exactly – but to the carpark before making my trek back through the shopping centre to where I had parked my car to while away the hours at a friend’s place before heading over for a conjoined house-warming and birthday celebration for a close friend.

Did the first meet-up go well? My work colleague seems to think so. After all, if things hadn’t, we probably wouldn’t have gone shopping together.

So, how well does Shrek stack up to the other people I’ve met through the dating app? And who should I present my rose to in this episode of Kyndaris: The Bachelorette?

From what I can see, a second date would be in order. Just to get a better feel of their social circle and of any other shared interests we might have. Certainly, he seems the type to be supportive and understanding, while also having his own things that he loves and cares dearly about – a trait that I find good because I think I’d also prefer my own time to do my own things.

But…well…it’s just so hard to make a call right now.

At this stage, I have to say that Pickles and Shrek are in the lead.

Will I have meet-ups with anyone else? Who knows. It’s just so hard to determine what makes a good fit and what might eventuate into something more.

Am I scared about commitment at this stage?

Hell yes! It’s only been the first time I’ve met them. Love isn’t like how it is in Disney movies (and while I enjoy them, I do not endorse falling in love with the first person you meet). For me, I think it comes with time and familiarity and getting to know a person and wanting the same things out of life.

It’s not about the lust or the love. 

It’s about who I can live a life together with.

Dating 2.0

On By kyndarisLeave a comment

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” So wrote Jane Austen in one of her most famous novels: Pride and Prejudice. In our modern age, it is no longer the purview for men to seek a wife. Rather, any individual of good standing and good fortune are wont to seek their better half – be that man, woman, non-binary or wherever else they might sit on the gender spectrum.

But while romance sits at the forefront of many a mind – being something that is sung about in songs and shown on the silver screen, I’ve never really thought of romance for myself. While I may gush over the interactions between Ren and Grey in the Rook and the Rose trilogy, and certain cutscenes may warm the cockles of my stone-cold heart, 

And it is into this world that I, a humble blogger, shall take you. After all, I can’t simply drop a bombshell in a previous post about redownloading a dating app and not deliver!

Here, I present my forays into the murky world of online dating.

So, dear readers, get yourselves ready and strap yourselves in! 

You’re in for a relatively smooth ride.

This time round, I downloaded two apps onto my phone. Once again, I went with Hinge – with the smoothest and clearest user interface, it seemed the easiest app to use – and Plenty of Fish (after being recommended by a work colleague who had used the app to meet her current husband). All in all, after dabbling with a variety of dating apps including Boo and Bumble, I found Hinge was the easiest. While I did ponder the use of Tindr, it’s reputation for being one used for quick hookups was certainly not something that appealed.

Besides, I’ve never been that type of girl. And the thought of getting down and dirty has…well…not an act I really envision myself doing. Even though I’ve a penchant for reading smut fanfiction on the internet. Please, NO ONE, go through my browsing history. I don’t know how I’d ever live it down.

But let’s focus first on Plenty of Fish. Options were limited in choice of gender. Unlike Hinge, you could only focus on men OR women. Never both. Prompts were few and scattered – with nothing particularly poignant (in so saying, responses to prompts on Hinge can also be hit and miss and I worry for the mental health of some of the people on the app). It also wasn’t very clear on how it worked. You could like an individual but then there were those that could immediately send a message to those that they wanted to start a chat with.

It just seemed…counter-intuitive.

Especially when I was getting unsolicited messages from individuals that I wasn’t very much interested in. And my goodness were many of the men pushy. I’d never been propositioned as quickly or got demanded my personal details in order to have chats away from the actual dating app.

PSA Alert: I’m not the type that’ll freely give you my Whatsapp if you sidle up to me and say ‘hey.’ Sure, some women might be into that, but for me, that’s not the way into my heart. Also, because, I don’t know who the f*** you are and want to first suss out if there’s any compatibility in what we like. 

Yes, I might be slow about the whole thing but I’m a wary online traveller that is NOT keen on being possibly murdered, raped or taken advantage of. 

Some might say I’ve my barriers up too high.

I like to think I’m just being prepared.

Within a few days, I’d deleted Plenty of Fish. Unable to deal with the barrage of desperate boys that were hoping to get something extra just for showering a person with far too much attention than they were comfortable with.

Hinge, on the other hand, offered a lot more variety. And while there were the occasional individuals that didn’t have much to say in their responses – or hoped to provide as little as possible in order to set-up their account, there were also a few genuine folks that seemed like they were there for a good time.

It’s also where I felt like I met those that shared a few of my passions and could easily communicate with them. This time round, though, I made the conscious choice not to mention anime in my profile as it only opened up a can of worms that I was not eager to delve into.

The people I’ve met in August and September seem all right. They might not be the next Brad Pitt by any means, but they certainly carry a confidence that makes them easy to interact with and allow for consistent banter.

So, after exchanging quite a number of back and forth messages, I finally went on a very casual date/ meet-up with one of the people I was chatting with. It might not have been in broad daylight, but it was certainly in a public venue. Suffice it to say, I was not murdered and got to enjoy a pleasant evening where I got to know a bit more about them – let’s call them Pickles for short – because on the dating app, I did find that I was more disposed to talk about myself more – such as my hobbies and other pursuits (that or I’m just terribly nervous in real life. It doesn’t help that I often feel pressured by the media that I consume and by family expectations to IMMEDIATELY fall in love. It was probably both).

PIckles, it seems, didn’t feel like the date went badly either! So, yay to not getting immediately rejected?

That said, I’ve a meet up with a different person at Oz Comic-Con. We’ll see how that goes but I get the feeling that it might not go as well. Of course, by the time this post goes up, it’ll be done and dusted. 

There is something to be said of first impressions and Pickles has certainly set the bar high.

Is there hope for Pickles? Will love be on the cards for Kyndaris with this new contender? Or will Kyndaris end up sad and alone – a crazy dog lady til the end of her days?

Tune in next time to DATING 2.0!!