Pieces Of Me

It may come as a surprise, dear reader, but I never read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath while in school. The curriculum for when I was in Years 7 to 12 focused on other hard hitting novels – like Frankenstein – and the various works of one William Shakespeare. Despite this terrifying lack of literary education, I always knew The Bell Jar was one of those books that was highly regarded for its wider impact on society in general. When I did get to finally reading it a couple months ago (at time of posting), the themes explored in such a small novel hit hard.

In Esther Greenwood, and by extension Sylvia Plath herself, I saw elements of me. After all, I, too, am a woman struggling to find my way through life. Though there is a nearly sixty year difference in the times we’ve lived, many of the societal expectations that coloured Ms Plath’s life have continued to impact me. From the pressures of finding a good job to settling down with a man and raising a family. Especially back during my twenties.

The glass jar, it must be said, is certainly an apt metaphor for the suffocation I often feel in my directionless life. Even now, I often struggle with how I see my future unfolding: stuck in a dead-end unfulfilling job, retiring when I hit my 70s and then eking out a means of survival before my inevitable death. That is, of course, if there aren’t any nasty surprises which may crop up. Like another pandemic, changes wrought by global warming, or the rise of a new despot on the world stage.

No matter how I slice it, it all looks bleak.

My only solace against the utter despair I feel are the small moments when I get to do things I enjoy. Like reading, writing, playing video games, and socialising with those nearest and dearest to my heart.

And while they aren’t perfect, they do bring me a mix of joy, melancholy and everything in-between. It is in these small moments when I actually get to live. Without them, the responsibilities thrust upon me grind against my self-worth, dragging me down into a pit of repressed and impotent anger, apathy and ennui.

The short stories I write, in particular, are often a release valve. They take the disgusting and bad feelings consuming my thoughts and lay it out as words on a page. So when Sorrengail briskly devoured my entire back catalogue of of short stories after we reconnected last year and told me she saw the narratives in them as fairly niche with limited appeal to a wider audience, I can say with confidence that some offence was taken.

As a student of the human condition for goodness-knows-how-many years, I like to think I understand the base emotions most of us go through. After all, I’m no stranger to them. It’s all part and parcel of being a living and breathing meatbag. And each of the short stories I’ve posted online has been an exploration of our darkest moments. Mixed in with the occasional eldritch being or urge to commit homicide.

Gears In The Walls owes much of its inspiration to the rat race we find ourselves in and when our lives become exceedingly routine. Though I had originally planned for it to a poem, it soon spiralled. What was meant to be a few short concise sentences turned into the life and times of a humble bookseller slowly going mad.

Unseen encapsulated my feelings of being ignored. Of being shunted to the side, unable to be seen or heard despite my attempts to draw their attention. People often talk about how being invisible is a great superpower. And, as an introvert, there are moments when I don’t mind disappearing from a social event to go read or play video games, but in the long term, being invisible sucks. Having people overlook your achievements to promote someone else? Being the last one to be picked for a team? Feeling like you’re on the outside looking in? Or not knowing if anyone would care if you died? These and more are what Unseen is about.

Living the Lie? Suddenly Thirteen? The power of nostalgia and the stories we tell ourselves when we compare the curated images shown on social media to what we believe our own life is like. With Splintered and Whole Again serving as dialogues for what it means to change between the masks one has to wear to appease the people around us.

Then there’s Treading Water where I explore my fears of being a micromanager should I ever be a team leader at my place of work. Or The Shadow of Broken Dreams wherein I lay out the loneliness gnawing at me mixed in with all the targeted microaggressions I felt – real or perceived.

Heck, even my novel length stories contain pieces of me. How could they not? The vast majority might be fantasy stories set in a world wholly different from the modern reality we currently inhabit, but the societal commentary are reflections of 21st century Earth. Whether or not I consciously chose to include them or not.

More than that, the characters themselves are either aspects of me or of people I know.

Of course, the one character who was probably the biggest self-insert was Malinda Zhao – the protagonist of Control State. When I was writing, I often had to remind myself I was writing from the third-person perspective rather than first-person. It was so easy to slip into her headspace given how many things we had in common.

That said, Malinda Zhao isn’t quite the perfect copy of me. She likes Korean dramas for one, and isn’t even a gamer. Plus, I don’t feel like she has my street smarts. It takes her longer to clue in on what should be obvious (although, as the author, knowing where the plot might go does help in that regard). Plus, she’s the type who likes sappy romance books instead of sprawling fantasy epics!

But as with all things, there are pieces of me scattered in every thing I create. Sometimes it’s just a light touch but in others, there’s a whole spectrum of my individuality inserted into a piece of work. It is what, I believe, that makes the things I do art. Or, at least I hope it’s art in some way.

Given I deal with words, and original works, it can often be hard to gauge the extent of my reach.

It’s so much easier to use a visual medium and call it art. After all, you can see the strokes of the digital paintbrush. As well as the end vision.

With creative works like stories? You, dear reader, don’t see the sentences or complete passages scratched/ edited out. Nor do you see the process where one might sit in front of a blank page and think of what they want to put down.

The sheer effort being into all of it…and then seeing not one iota of likes or comment? It can be crushing.

In those moments, I often have remind myself to whom I am writing these stories for.

And though it might not suit the tastes of everyone who stumbles across my FictionPress or Wattpad, I write these stories primarily for myself.

For the woman in her early thirties who’s trying her best to make her way through the confusing journey called life and leave behind a little of who she is for others to find.

On a side note, I do apologise for the lack of travel posts. Unfortunately, due to circumstances outside of my control, I haven’t been able to go on globe-trotting adventures like I would have hoped during the month of March.

Here’s hoping 2026 will see more adventures to the various exciting places around the world! Like, I don’t know, post-apocalyptic America? Time will tell!

Memento Mori

Despite the fact I keep a fairly personal blog where I divulge many of my inner secrets, I still often find myself struggling to move beyond the loneliness that permeates my life. There’s an underlying sense that I’m simply not seen by those I would consider closest to me.

(And if I had a therapist, they’d probably find reading through many of my blog entries a veritable land mine of information!

To my future therapist, if I ever reach out, please know that I’m quite self aware of all my foibles. The problem I find is determining what actions I can take. And yes, I know all about meditation and positive self-talk, but the fact remains I often feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water in a shallow puddle. )

Which is why I laid it all out in poem!

Admittedly, dear reader, I’m not much of a poet. The usual rules are utterly confounding and I simply don’t have the time to try to fit everything I want to say into a precise meter or have it match a specific rhyming pattern.

Since prose is my forte (or so I like to think), what poems I’ve attempted in the past have usually just been free verse.

Even then, people find ways to format free verse poems to look artistic in some shape or form. No so with the one I’ve transcribed below.

Poetry is an art I’ve barely scratched the surface, let alone mastered. But I did find it an important medium to transpose my rather morose thoughts. Ones I’ve struggled with for a long while, and which were brought forth as I played through Life is Strange: Double Exposure (yes, this is the poem I alluded to in that blog entry).

For context, my life is a fairly boring one. My greatest desire? To have someone I can talk to. Really talk to. Instead of just the empty void in which I pour most of who I am into.

And yes, I do have friends. But throughout the last half of 2024 and even into 2025, I’ve found a certain disconnect. Especially among usual friendship circle of people I’ve known since high school.

Perhaps it’s because the relationships between every single one of us has already been long established. Maybe it’s because every time we do catch up, I feel like my contributions are rather bland. Or that every single conversation I have centres solely on the other person and I’m barely able to get a word in edgewise.

The crux, of course, is the unshakeable belief (even though I know it’s probably not true) that nobody really cares about little ol’ me.

I can’t help feeling that if I were to delete all my social media and vanish, nobody would feel my absence. When my thoughts are at their darkest, I often wonder who might attend my funeral if I were to die. Would they even know I was dead?

In the past, I was able to count on the ex-friend to, at least, mourn my death. If only a little. After all, they did often say I was one of the most important people in their life. Yet, when I made the very difficult decision to take a step back, their casual dismissal of everything I poured into that friendship was what hurt me the most.

Maybe if they had fought for our friendship, I might have stuck around. As it was, without the acknowledgement I needed, or proper closure, I often found myself wondering how they were doing – whether or not the other mutual friends we shared had been able to step up and help them in ways I might have been able to do.

Now? I’m a little unsure of the lives I’ve touched and if my presence ever made it better. It doesn’t help when it feels like everyone else is holding themselves at arms length away. When they all have their own separate chat groups. Or when I’m always the last to know about a piece of gossip.

For years, I’ve longed for a best friend. Someone I could confide in and who, in turn, would confide in me. Someone who could provide comfort when I was feeling down and be there for me when times were hard.

Yet I find I’m often finding solace in the worlds of make-believe. Whether it be video games, film or novel.

I suppose it helps when you can live inside the heads of the characters and get to know them beyond the facade most put on.

But what kind of life am I living if all I’m doing most days is escaping into fantasy because I don’t have anyone else to turn to?

And like most people, I fear that when the end does come, will I even leave a mark in the annals of history? Though I do see myself as a good person, I know I’m as fallible as the next stranger I bump into on the street. I mean, at time of writing, I’m still brainrotting over CaitVi/ Violyn. Sue me. I’m probably definitely maybe gay.

Yet, I also know I’m not anyone special. I haven’t created charities or movements for the benefits of others. Nor have I donated much to a good cause.

At the end of the day, this humble blogger is but a nobody and no one.

ENJOY THE POEM!


Legacy springs life eternal

Or so the poets say.

I live between the lines

Pondering time unspent of just one more imaginary summer day.

Between two worlds I oscillate

Never fully in each

Dreaming of what could be

Where swords and magic and powers of flight were just within my reach

~

For years I’ve explored

A myriad of lives

Experiences both foreign and familiar,

Where I step into the shoes of others and thrive

Or weep at the pain and sorrows.

Seeing mistakes repeated in an endless cycle;

Devastation wreaking havoc, hollowing out my core.

And when I step out, all I seek are crinkled corners and low belly chuckles.

~

In stories, I am the hero.

Reality is a harsher mistress.

Hour upon hour I sit

Drowning in the mundane distress.

Where I could venture forth on a grand adventure in one,

Knowing failure was naught but a lesson,

Sheer panic and anxiety keep a steady hand

On my shoulders they rest in the other, leading me further down the path of obsession.

~

At journey’s end, what remains?

In the eyes of the world, my half-life is naught but a blink

Gone, never to be seen.

Who have I touched? What impact have I made? Bombarded by questions as I stop to think.

Words were meant to be my legacy.

From them I sprang forth, taking joy in their providence.

But I am one of a million

Hopeful of success from simple happenstance.

~

Yet, for now, the path leads ever onward;

It is the road less travelled.

For eternity, what price is too much

For my name to be remembered?

Whole Again – Part 2

It’s great fun when a short story you write ends up becoming a huge behemoth of a story. Given I’m still uploading Toymaker on my FictionPress and Wattpad (those being scattered.wind and kyndaris, respectively), though, it does seem appropriate to provide some relief through completely different stakes and characters.

That said, I’ve been writing up a whole new fantasy story (rather than the continuation of Lacet and Idana’s adventures – even though I do have the beginning chapter in my head). Of course, whether this new fantasy story will grace FictionPress or Wattpad is something I’m still tossing up.

After all, isn’t it everyone’s dream to seek publication?

Time will tell if my writing abilities will get to that stage. In the meantime, enjoy the conclusion of Whole Again. Even as I try to finish Tears of the Kingdom within a reasonable timeframe.


Staring at my blank Word document, I tried once more to conjure up the words I needed to put down in order to start the essay I would need to hand in for my social studies class. Try as I might, though, I was unable to summon an iota of creativity for my literature review on Consent Culture on College Campus.

What made it worse was the fact the paper was due tomorrow.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What was wrong with me?

By now I’d usually be going through my fifth edit focusing on any misspellings or issues with tense.

Yet, somehow, time had slipped through my grasp.

And the pressure to be the excellent student I was only made my writing block worse.

Unable to face the white document in front of me, I closed my eyes and tried to reorder my thoughts into something cohesive. My fingers reached out on the keyboard, typing out word after word until I finished my first sentence. There, I stopped, pondering my next sentence even as I fought the urge to open my eyes to read what I had put down.

I knew rereading it now would only send me plummeting down into despair and I’d delete all the progress I made so far.

As the minutes ticked by, I continued in this fashion and slowly cobbled together a Frankenstein-like version of what my essay ought to be like. The only time I glanced at what I’d written was to insert references but I’d managed to tamp down on the impulse to immediately rewrite what I’d put down because it didn’t read perfect.

Sonia found me just before dinner, tapping away at my computer. It was only when the door closed behind her and when she dropped her duffle bag on the ground that I turned around, the hairs on the back of my head standing to attention at being caught unawares.

“Hey, Patsy. How you doing?” she asked, taking out her earbuds and pausing her Spotify playlist.

“Fine,” I replied, a little too tersely.

Sonia seemed to reel back from an invisible blow before heading to her side of the room. She sat down on her bed. “What are you up to?”

“Just trying to finish this essay.”

“And, how are you doing?” she asked before hastily adding, “I don’t mean to pry, of course, and you don’t have to say anything if it makes you uncomfortable. You’ve just looked stressed these last few weeks. Is it Professor Langley again?”

I debated for a moment whether or not to tell her.

Sonia had always been there for me ever since we had first met as roommates.

But whereas others couldn’t have cared less about the person they were sharing a room with, Sonia and I had become friends. Some might even say ‘good’ friends.

Didn’t she deserve the truth? Or, at least, some version of it?

After all, what if I had another blackout?

And, if I was being completely honest with myself, I found it easier to talk to Sonia than with Evie or Naomi. We had only ever met during that first fateful day of college. She didn’t know I was the purported Queen Bee of my high school or the nerdy girl back in elementary and middle school.

In the end, I told Sonia everything. The words spilled forth with minimal prompting. As if I needed the outlet she offered.

By the time I finished, Sonia looked me dead in the eye. “I think you might need help,” she said, her voice filled with sincerity. “My mom’s a psychiatrist. If you don’t want to go to her, I’m sure she’ll know someone who’ll be a better fit. But, if I’m being completely honest, it sounds like there’s a lot of stuff you need to unpack. Especially if you want answers.”

There was a moment’s pause as I tried to digest what Sonia was trying to say.

“What if I’m scared?”

Sonia grabbed my right hand and gave it a squeeze. “I’ll be there with you, Patricia. Every step of the way.”

My name on her lips shouldn’t have sent a thrill down my spine. But it did.

What’s more, her offer was so tantalising, I couldn’t help but reach out and grab it.

I had thought, before, that only Amelia held all the answers. But maybe, just maybe, I could find it elsewhere. And not damn my soul any further by trying to make a deal with the devil on their terms.

~

My first talk with the psychiatrist Sonia’s mom picked out for me went well.

While they didn’t immediately present me with a diagnosis of a mental health disorder, they’d been sympathetic of my plight and had identified several behaviours they wanted to explore in further sessions such as my penchant for loneliness and the overwhelming feeling I had of being out of touch with others. Especially when it came to all the different personas I’d adopted when interacting with friends, family and other students.

Of my blackouts, Dr Nora – for that was how she liked to be called – had said little. Though she understood it was a concern wanted desperately to fix, she had wanted to tease out any underlying issues that might be triggering the dissociative episodes.

When I pressed her, she had posited the cause might have been stress.

It was an answer I didn’t much like, though I accepted it.

The second session, though, was rough. I’d come away from it feeling sad and miserable and worthless.

Dr Nora had dug deep. Questioning my feelings of insecurity and why I felt the need to prove myself during my time at Seven Oaks. And as she sought to plumb the depths of my psyche, she touched upon the fourth persona resting deep within.

Against my better judgement, I lashed out at her.

Like a sleeping dragon rudely prodded awake, my raw fury came bursting to the surface. And while I did not blackout, I did say a few things I deeply regretted when I returned to my shared dormitory room with Sonia.

“Hey, Patricia. How are you feeling?” asked Sonia, coming in late after her dinner date with a Logan Davis – a frat boy who shared one of her classes. According to Sonia, they had ‘grown close-ish’ after a group project and he had asked her out.

Logan Davis, of course, was a good-looking athletic boy with a way with women. And he knew it too. Especially in the way he tossed around his long golden locks as he carried his basketball around with him all through campus.

Back at Seven Oaks High, Trish would have set her eyes on him too. But Patsy was a different creature altogether.

And it had sat uncomfortably with me to know Sonia was out with Mr Playboy Logan Davis instead of hanging out with me in our shared lodgings.

“Crummy,” I replied, barely looking up from my game of Honkai: Star Rail. I went in to pull on a banner with one of my favourite characters, only to get Topaz – a character I cared little for and who I had plenty of. “Damnit!”

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, you know…pulled another useless Topaz when I wanted Seele or Ruan Mei instead. Hate how busted the gacha system is.”

Sonia chuckled. “You said it. So, I take it you’ve finished the last few assignments then for class?”

“What? Oh. Yes,” I said, checking the daily mission for today. “It wasn’t my best work but I’ve decided I no longer care what Professor Langley’s opinions.”

“Not afraid it’ll pull down your grade average?” teased Sonia.

I huffed. “Not one bit. I’ll make it up with something else.”

“And how’d the session with Dr Nora go? Any closer to figuring out why you’re having blackouts? Or, as they would say, ‘dissociative episodes?’”

“It was fine. And no. We didn’t go into that kind of stuff,” I said.

“Well, do you think Dr Nora is a good fit for you?”

“Maybe? I don’t know.” I closed the game, not feeling very compelled to continue gaming. “Look, I’m tired. If it’s all right with you, I’ll turn in for bed?”

“What? Oh. Sure.”

“Thanks, Sonia. I hope the date with Logan went okay.”

Sonia looked askance, rubbing her upper left arm. “Yeah. Yeah, it did.”

“That’s great!” I said, trying to infuse my voice with excitement even as my gut churned with disappointment. “Well, good night.”

~

The end of the semester saw me return home.

Although I continued with my sessions with Dr Nora, it felt like any progress I had made had stalled. Despite my attempts to figure out ways to stop the blackouts, Dr Nora wanted to focus on my middle school years and the bullying I’d gone through.

“I know it’s a touchy subject, Patricia, but if you work with me instead of against me, this wouldn’t be so hard,” she would say as I lay on her couch, staring up at the patterned ceiling.

But middle school was something I never wanted to relive.

There had been so many moments when I’d stood on the precipice of a yawning chasm of darkness, wishing to end it all because I couldn’t deal with the relentless teasing about my appearance and the hobbies I’d loved.

I’d vowed, after graduation, that I would no longer be the victim, hating the person I saw in the mirror.

And so, during the summer, I’d focused on losing weight and scoured the internet for tips on how best to apply make-up to hide away any blemishes. I read up on how to be the ‘It’ girl at school because I saw it as my only way to escape the Hell of being the social outcast. Heck, I even created multiple social media accounts to curate the image I wanted to project.

All of this, I told Dr Nora as I kept my voice neutral and detached.

She didn’t need to know of the day I’d tried to overdose, only to be interrupted by mom and dad coming back early because the event they had been going to had been cancelled because of heavy rain. Nor did she need to know how I’d taken to self-harming when I’d confessed to a boy in my maths class.

I still remembered the look of disgust he wore as he studied me from head to toe – from my limp brown hair to the round glasses I wore on my already moon-shaped face, down to the unappealing braces and finally over my overweight form because of the sedentary lifestyle I led. But what had made it infinitely worse had been what he had called me after class, when he asked to meet underneath the bleachers.

No. There was no point in dredging up the pains of the past. Not when I was looking forward to the future.

And if Dr Nora couldn’t help explain the blackouts I was having, then I’d have to find it elsewhere.

Except, Amelia had refused to see me too.

I’d gone to visit her at the prison and had waited for half an hour in the visitor’s section before a guard informed me there had been an incident and Amelia had to cancel.

Two hours, wasted.

My phone pinged, pulling me from my thoughts. I grabbed it from where it was sitting on my desk and glanced at the screen, eager for a distraction.

Mom: Dinner’s ready. Head down when you’re hungry. While your dad is eying the beef casserole like a starving tiger, we won’t start without you.

It pinged again even as I was reading.

Mom: If there’s anything on your mind, I’m all ears. Just know that we love you Pat.

Reading her message, I felt tears prickle at the corner of my eyes.  Ever since I’d been briefly hospitalised following my ‘episode’, mom and dad had been worried sick. They’d even asked if I wouldn’t prefer living at home and commute to campus instead of staying at the dormitory.

I refused, of course.

After all, I was an adult and could make my own decisions. Not to mention all the responsibilities I’d picked up for volunteering for several student organisations campaigning against climate change and other social political movements.

If I lived at home, I wouldn’t be able to pour my all into those projects. Especially with mom watching over me like a hawk.

Besides, I was seeing Dr Nora, wasn’t I?

It was a step in the right direction and surely, it had to count for something.

I glanced again at my phone and the message mom had sent me.

With a sigh, I uncurled from my beanie bag, pocketed my phone and opened the door to my room. Dressed in an oversized t-shirt and shorts, I headed down the stairs.

Dinner wouldn’t be so bad. Mom would offer up the latest community gossip. But dad would probably dominate the conversation about his day at work.

As I turned the corner into the dining room, dad beamed at me. “There she is!” he said. “It’s your second day into summer vacation, Pat, but all we’ve seen you do is loaf around at home. What’s been going on?”

“I’ve just been busy,” I said with a shrug. “You know how it is. Study, study, study.”

Dad exchanged a glance with mom before he turned back at me. “Oh, come now Pat. We all know that’s not true. I’m sure Naomi and Evangeline would have invited you out. The three of you were as thick as thieves in school. Especially after that nasty business with the crazy girl. What’s her name again?”

“Amelia?”

“Yes. Her! And they’ve been calling in on us after what happened last month, asking how you’ve been.”

“They have?”

Dad nodded, thumping the table. “Well, they’re your friends, sweetie. Especially the brunette with the blonde highlights. Naomi, I think? She’s always looked very concerned when she’s come over. Talks to your mom more than she does me.”

“Such a sweet girl,” said mom as she plopped down the beef casserole into the centre of the table. “But enough talk. I’ve slaved over this for almost the entire afternoon. So, I hope you appreciate what I’ve made.”

“Always,” answered dad as he dug in.

Dinner passed without further intrusive questions from dad. Instead, he complained long and loud about the commute to and from work. Mom nodded along as she added another spoonful of mash potatoes to his plate.

I, on the other hand, played with the peas and poked at the carrots.

My appetite had fled from me after my last session with Dr Nora and I was dreading the next one.

I was starting to think she might not be the psychiatrist for me and I would need to start looking elsewhere. We had already gone through four sessions and I still remained an anxious mess without a formal diagnosis. Nor had I been prescribed the one thing I wanted: a cure for all my troubles.

And now she was wasting my time by trying to delve into my past.

Something I didn’t want to do.

But it wasn’t something I could easily break to mom and dad considering they were the ones footing the bill.

Finally, as mom brought out the dessert, dad looked me right in the eye and said, “I’ve been holding off on this for a while, kiddo, but between you and me, I don’t think it’s been good for you to treat you like you’d break apart at any moment. You’ve been plenty resilient considering everything, so I’ll come and say it. What’s been eating you, Pat?”

I blinked up at him, like a deer caught in headlights and struggled for words.

“Don’t look at me like that, Pat. I know you. And you’ve barely touched dinner. Is Dr Nora not working out for you? We can find someone else. My insurance can pay. Or is it something else? Boy trouble? We all know college campuses are cesspools filled with the dregs of the male population. If someone has t—”

“What? No! This isn’t about a boy. God, dad.”

He shrugged. “Well, if you aren’t going to tell me anything, I’m liable to jump to my own conclusions. You do know you can come to us for anything, right Pat? Your mom and I, we aren’t going to judge you. If there’s—”

Before he could finish, mom came back with dessert. A rich tiramisu Swiss roll cake. She gently placed it between me and dad before disappearing into the kitchen again to retrieve a few more plates and cutlery.

“Dig in,” she said after carefully cutting the cake into equal portions.

I accepted my plate, picked up a fresh fork and then stared at the hefty serving I’d been given. It was too much. Especially given how my stomach was still roiling with unease and guilt and shame and a million other overwhelming emotions.

After a moment, I put the fork back down, looked up at mom and then dad. Taking a breath, I plucked up my courage and opened my mouth.

There were so many things I wanted to tell them and to seek the reassurances I so desperately craved.

But try as I might, the words got stuck in my throat and I found I couldn’t get anything out. Mom and dad exchanged another knowing look but they didn’t press me.

Cheeks flushing red, I lowered my gaze back to the Swiss roll cake before me, mumbled something under my breath about not being hungry and fled to the safety of my room where I curled up into a ball and finally let the tears flow.

~

“So, tell me, Patricia, what are you most scared of?”

“Cockroaches,” I answered automatically, staring once again up at the checkered pattern on the ceiling. “And spiders. Oh, and I guess you could say I’m also terrified of flying. We’ve only ever gone on three overseas trips and each time was a nightmare.”

Dr Nora smiled politely. “All very common fears, Patricia. But that wasn’t what I was asking.”

“What do you mean?”

She leaned back into wing tip armchair. “I think you already know.”

Thinking over what we had discussed during our fifth session, I did have an inkling at what she meant. But I was loathe to give Dr Nora what she wanted.

Yes, I knew she was here to help me. But I couldn’t divest myself of the feeling that, in Dr Nora’s eyes, I was nothing but a test specimen. She would try to push one of my buttons and then record my reaction.

It was so clinical, so detached. And I hated it.

All I wanted was to be seen for who I was.

But even here, as I lounged on the therapist couch, I was projecting an image. It was imperfect, true, but I dared not let Dr Nora see the entire truth.

As the thought swirled in my head, I had to wonder why I felt compelled to continue pretending. Why was it that in a supposed ‘safe’ space, I still felt the need to pretend?

Was it because I was frightened of people seeing who I truly was and judging me? It had already happened once back in middle school and I’d been thoroughly rejected by the boy who had held my affections then.

But I had also moved on from the girl I was, ever growing and changing from a wide range of lived experiences.

I couldn’t return to the Patricia Taylor Morez I had been. But I also wasn’t just Pat, Patsy, Trish or Tricia.

So, who was I? Really?

“Patricia?” Dr Nora’s warm hand on my shoulder pulled me back to the room. “Are you okay?”

I blinked up at her dumbly. “What? Oh. I’m fine. Just have a headache.”

Dr Nora pursed her lips. “Although we do have another fifteen minutes, let’s end this session here, yes?”

“Sure,” I said with a shrug. I swung my legs down and rose to my feet. As I headed to the door, I stopped and turned to face Dr Nora just as she was straightening her notes. “Um, I don’t mean to push you but this has been our fifth session and you still haven’t told me what’s wrong with me. Or why I’ve been having these ‘dissociative’ episodes.”

A placating smile made its way to Dr Nora’s face. “I understand that it’s been a frustrating experience all around. To be honest, I could give you a diagnosis right now and write up a prescription to make you feel better, but it still won’t address the underlying issues you’re facing.”

“But it’ll stop me from having blackouts?”

“It might,” answered Dr Nora after a moment’s hesitation. “Or it might not. I believe the dissociative episodes are a symptom of something else. Unfortunately, I cannot help you if you don’t cooperate, Patricia.”

“What? By answering your insipid questions?”

Dr Nora shook her head. “I have had patients just like you in the past. And who never got better because they clung to the illusion everything was fine because they hadn’t gone on a murderous rampage. Don’t be like them, Patricia. You have so much more in your life to live. Don’t throw it away.”

Though anger and frustration had fuelled my initial outburst, it had wavered in the face of the sincerity I saw on Dr Nora’s face and the truth in her words.

“I…I’ll think on it. Should I make my follow-up booking with your receptionist?”

“That would be great, Patricia. And, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like you to think about the questions I asked you today. I know you don’t want to dredge up old wounds from your past, but I truly believe there’s a lot we can unpack. But only if you’re willing. Just remember: this is a safe space. I won’t judge you here. And no-one will know what we’ve discussed.”

I stepped past the threshold. “Thank you.”

~

Sat in front of my laptop, I skimmed the slim selection of movies on Netflix. I wanted something funny or dumb, where I could shut my brain off for an hour or two and not think about my latest session with Dr Nora.

My skin tingled with something horrid. Like ants were crawling all over my skin. And there was a dark nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Something was coming just over the horizon.

I didn’t know what it was but I feared what would happen when it did arrive.

It was easier to distract myself instead with something mindless.

Something like…was that Riverdale? Yes, there it was, sitting amongst a slew of promoted shows right under the selection of movies Netflix was trying to promote to me.

While I’d watched the first season years ago, I’d stopped when the plot lines began to feel flat and ridiculous. So, roughly around the third season. But, Hell, why not go back? Evie had loved the show. It, along with Emily in Paris and Bridgerton were in her top five shows of all time. Naomi, too, had watched all seven seasons though her opinion of the show was less favourable.

Hell, even Sonia had been suckered in. I remembered coming back to our shared dormitory and her mowing through a bucket of popcorn as she watched the series finale. When the credits had rolled, she had howled, throwing popcorn at the screen.

At the time, I hadn’t been sure if she had loved what the writers had done or hated it.

But it didn’t matter if the ending was good or bad. What mattered was that it would distract me for a few good hours. I could focus instead on the lives of Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead.

My phone pinged as I was about halfway through the third episode of the fourth season. I grabbed it and glanced down to read the notification.

An unknown number had sent me an attachment.

Without thinking, I clicked it open and was immediately bombarded by loud raised voices. Some that sounded familiar.

I glanced away from the TV to my phone and watched the scene unfold before my eyes. It had been taken in portrait mode on a bystander’s camera. The neon flashing lights told me it was the nightclub Naomi, Evie, Sanchez and I had visited not too long ago.

And standing in the centre, growling like a feral animal was me. My fingers were curled into beastlike claws as I tried to take a swipe at Sanchez, spitting out words of venom I would never have thought to utter.

Sanchez tried to catch hold of my arms but I was too swift, lashing out with a kick that caught him in the chest. He stumbled back, surprised but not winded. It had only been a glancing blow.

To my left, Naomi tried to edge behind me.

The video ended when Naomi grabbed hold of my waist and I was about to elbow her in the head.

My phone pinged again.

                Unknown: like wat u c? plenty where that came from.

Unknown: if u dont want this everywhere on the internet, and ur reputation ruined, u’ll meet me at Tanya’s. 6pm. Friday. C u there, Patricia.

What. In. The. Fucking. Hell?

~

I entered the small diner on the corner of 3rd and Olive Street, affectionately called Tanya’s at five minutes to 6. Glancing around, I didn’t spot anyone I recognised before choosing to sit in a booth facing the entrance as I waited for the mysterious texter.

Wearing an oversized hoodie and black jeans, I tried to remain inconspicuous. My hands remained in my pockets, fingering my phone.

For two days, I’d debated whether or not to reveal to mom and dad I’d been contacted out of the blue by someone hoping to blackmail me. But the idea of giving them additional stress dissuaded me from telling them anything. They already knew something was not quite right.

But I also knew I couldn’t face this unknown texter by myself. So, I turned to Naomi.

The two of us had concocted a plan to ensure my safety.

And it was reassuring to know Naomi was nearby and only a call away.

Whoever this mystery texter was, we’d put a stop to them. I didn’t need all the additional stress associated with it all. After all, I’d already paid my dues. I was working hard to make myself better and to build up a good and proper life. Didn’t I deserve happiness?

When the bell atop the door tinkled, I looked up from the shiny black table just as someone slid into the seat opposite me. She looked familiar, although I couldn’t quite place the blonde hair and upturned nose. Her eyes were lined with mascara and there were bags under her eyes. Unlike me, she was wearing a long-sleeved blouse and a green plaid skirt that reached her knees. Her hair was kept in a neat bun.

But it was the scar just behind her ear that drew my attention. Something about it seemed familiar. Like I’d seen something like it not too long ago.

“Patricia, I assume?”

“Whose asking?”

The girl opposite me flashed a quick smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She leaned forward.

“I always found it weird she chose you.”

Anger flared in my chest. “Look, I don’t know who you are and I have no idea what you’re talking about. If you’re my mystery texter, all I ask is that you delete the video of me in the nightclub. I can pay.”

“See. You’re so focused on maintaining the image you have to others. Amelia taught me that such things are superficial and don’t matter in the long run. But when I showed her the video of you when I visited her, there was an excitement in her eyes. Why do you always get preferential treatment and not me?”

I jolted at the mention of Amelia’s name.

Who the fuck was this woman sitting across from me? And what did she know?

“I was her first, you know,” she continued. “Friend, that is. Before she went to Seven Oaks. If it hadn’t been for that incident, she would have stayed with me. But it was my fault. I angered her out of misplaced envy. Dan says she was always volatile. He’s convinced she’s a menace. Even took me to the parole hearing and everything so I’d testify against her.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The flash of realisation struck me like a bolt of lightning. Of course it was Professor Langley’s bloody cousin!

Something must have flashed across my face because the girl leaned back and reached for something in her purse. “Connected the dots, have you?”

“Maybe,” I answered. “What I don’t understand is why you’re acting like some jilted lover. The way Professor Langley told it, she was a monster who got into your head. And who led you down a dark path. He didn’t go into any exact details but wearing long sleeves in the summer? Doesn’t take too great a leap.”

The girl’s brow furrowed, accompanied by a deep-seated frown. “Dan never understood. He, too, was always beholden to societal expectations. And of how we were perceived by the public.”

“What do you mean?”

She looked up at me, blue eyes flashing with anger. “Don’t pretend, Patricia. It’s below you,” snarled the girl as she fingered her purse.

I glanced around, wondering if there was someone nearby but the sole waitress was at another table and taking their order. Could I perhaps call out? But no. Doing so would only paint a target on my back. And the girl before me seemed volatile. Just like Amelia had been when we had met underneath the bleachers.

One wrong move and there was no telling what Professor Langley’s cousin would do. I couldn’t afford to have her leak the video of me onto the internet. But I also had no means to ascertain if she had it all on her person.

What I needed to do was buy time.

Taking a deep breath, I hid my shaking hands and licked my suddenly dry lips. “If you’re so free from the weight of social judgement, why did you go to the parole hearing? Why not refuse?”

Something flitted across the girl’s face. Had it been doubt? Or was it something else?

Before I could try to figure out, the girl’s eyes hardened into steel flints. “I know what you’re doing, Patricia. It won’t work. Amelia always said you were a wily one, easily slipping on masks as needed to keep your precious image going. Even now. After she revealed the truth to you. That’s why I knew if I threatened to publish the video, you’d come.”

A few eyes turned towards our table at the girl’s raised voice.

“Shh. Keep quiet won’t you?” I said, looking around at the other patrons, wondering if anyone had heard. And fearing what they might say.

But the girl would not be dissuaded. She spoke, her voice even louder. “It’s disgusting how you grovel and submit to others simply to keep pretending. Do you even know who the true Patricia is anymore?”

Although the girl before me was a passing stranger, her words managed to find their target. I reeled from the blows.

Hadn’t I asked myself that exact same question when I was at Dr Nora’s?

Who was I?

Amelia would have said to cast aside the masks I’d built up and find the core of my very being. But in my session with Dr Nora, the only thing I’d uncovered was a person with an intense fury and hatred of those around her. The fear of being bullied, the resolve to be more than a nerd, and the fixation on past wrongs, had coalesced into something monstrous and unfathomable.

I didn’t want to be that person.

It wasn’t who I was.

And yet, I couldn’t say with certainty I was Patsy or Tricia or PattieNeko either. They were all facets of who I was with certain elements heightened depending on the people I was interacting with, but I had worn each mask for so long, the way I naturally slipped into each role didn’t seem as fake as I might have once thought.

There was no artifice to how I interacted with Naomi and Evie. They were my friends. And I was authentic with them, to an extent. Similarly, I did enjoy studying. Patsy wasn’t just a means to an end. She was a version of me, heightened though it was, who cared about social injustices and who wanted to take a stand against the downtrodden.

None of them were me and yet, all of them were.

I wasn’t just one thing. I was many.

People were multifaceted. No-one was simply a caricature or a trope made flesh.

And yet, everyone had tried to pigeonhole me. Even myself.

Amelia was no different.

Knowing all this, I realised how little power the girl who had terrorised me nine months back truly had. Despite everything, she had simply been a cunning manipulator. To what end, I couldn’t say.

“You’re wrong about me,” I whispered to Professor Langley’s cousin. “I know exactly who I am. The real question is: do you?”

The girl’s cheeks flushed red. She puffed out her chest. “You fucking dare? I—”

“What’ll it be?” interrupted the waitress. She looked at Professor Langley’s cousin and then at me before arching a brow in question.

I hastily snatched up the menu. “Could I get a juice, please? And, um, a beef burger. With fries.” I handed the menu back to the waitress. “Thank you.”

“What about you?” she asked, turning to the girl. “Did you want anything to drink? How about some food?”

Crossing her arms, the girl sullenly gave her order. The waitress jotted it down, repeated our orders to confirm she had it down right and then headed languidly back to the counter to put in our orders.

Professor Langley’s cousin turned back to me but I beat her to the punch. “You said earlier that Amelia told you I was a ‘wily one.’ Considering that wouldn’t have happened if she was still attending school, I’m assuming you’ve visited her ever since her arrest and sentencing.”

“So what if I do? It doesn’t change anything.”

I shrugged, trying to play my comment off as nonchalantly as possible. “Not really. Just an observation. But I do have to wonder if your family knows. How would they react if they knew you only attended the hearing because Amelia asked you to? I don’t think Professor Langley – sorry, Dan – would approve.”

Across from me, the girl’s face paled, eyes widening. Her mouth dropped open, closed, then opened again, making her look like a fish.

I continued to press my attack. “Although, let’s be honest, we both know the real reason you’re here is because you’re jealous. Amelia gives me all the attention and you, the scraps. And look, I don’t know what your relationship with Amelia was before everything that happened at your old school. Nor do I want to know. But Amelia? She’s played us both.”

“Don’t.”

“I’m not afraid to admit that I was drawn to her back in Seven Oaks. And even after she tried to kill me, I wanted to understand why. So, I visited her while she was held in detention. Falling into her trap. Just like you.”

“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.”

“There was a time I thought Amelia was my salvation. That she held all the answers I needed to finally understand who I was because it was just so hard to keep up the pretence of all the masks I wore in high school just to fit in and be popular. Near the end, before she’d transferred to Seven Oaks High, I’d been running on fumes. But then she appeared and was able to authentically insert herself into any group. It was a freedom I’d only ever dreamed of. So, I did what any petty high schooler would do. I tried to sabotage her.”

“Stop. I don’t want to hear anymore!”

I stared long and hard at Professor Langley’s cousin. Her hands were tightly gripping the edge of the table, knuckles white. But I couldn’t just let it end here. I needed to keep going. Put it all out there even though everything inside me told me I ought to listen to Professor Langley’s cousin.

The point was made, after all.

But it was almost like a compulsion to keep talking; to keep tightening the screw and show the girl before me the whole ugly truth.

Taking a deep breath, I plunged forward. “In the end, I pushed her over the edge. Well, at least I thought I did. After all, in my attempts to think up ways to sabotage her, I’d befriended her and showed her sides of me I’d kept hidden from everyone else. It was something she’d always encouraged. To show everyone my authentic self instead of hiding behind the personas I’d created. Even in detention, she wanted to see the ‘real’ me.”

“Not another word,” warned the girl.

“But I’ve come to realise now, it’s not the ‘real’ me she wanted.” I licked my lips. “What she wanted was a clone of her. Someone who is damaged, isolated from friends and family. More importantly, though, they need to be blinded by rage and hatred and trauma. It’s not too late to step back, though. I can help—”

I stopped as Professor Langley’s cousin drew out a small pistol and pointed the barrel straight between my eyes. Though her voice shook, her hand remained steady. “I fucking warned you.”

“You don’t want to do this,” I said, trying to remain calm. “We’re in a public space. There are witnesses. Just put the gun down, Langley. We can talk about this.”

“That’s not my name.”

“Well, excuse me for not knowing your name,” I said with false bravado. Surely the gun was fake. Right? Professor Langley’s cousin wasn’t that insane, was she? “Amelia never mentioned you and Professor Langley didn’t exactly disclose it either. Besides all that, I don’t really have the capacity to think because I’m panicking at the fact that I have a gun shoved in my face.”

The girl’s finger twitched on the trigger.  But there was no loud bang. And I didn’t drop to the floor dead.

Seconds bled into minutes as I waited for her to put an end to my life.

Was there a way I could distract her? Maybe I could wrestle the gun away? Would I be able to do that before she let off a shot? The gun was awfully close, aimed directly at my head.

Oh God, I didn’t want to die. There was still so much I wanted to do.

I couldn’t believe in the last three years I’d been threatened with murder twice!

Then, finally, the girl put the gun down and flashed me a cold smile. “Well, you can spout off as much as you want. We both know I have the power here. So, this is how it’s going to be. You—”

Before Professor Langley’s cousin could spell out her terms, the waitress returned to our booth. She placed the Caesar salad down before the girl and then handed me my burger.

Just as she turned to leave, I grabbed her arm.

“Hey, um, I was wondering where the restroom was?”

The waitress shook my hand free before pointing towards the far end of the diner. “Turn right when you get to the end.”

“Thanks,” I said, as I rose to my feet, pulling out my phone as I did so.

As I began to shuffle out of the booth, Professor Langley’s cousin snatched at my left hand. “Where do you think you’re going, Patricia?” she whispered.

“The toilet.”

“No, you’re no,” said the girl. “Lest you forget, I still have that video of you. And if you go, I’ll release it online. I’ve nothing left to lose.”

I grit my teeth, trying to calculate how best to extricate myself. Once again, I was at the mercy of someone about to fall off the deep end.

Not only did she have a compromising video of me, she also had a gun. I still wasn’t certain if it was real but it was something I didn’t want to risk. After what had happened in Seven Oaks, I wasn’t liable to underestimate the capabilities of anyone anymore.

So, I sat back down in the booth and subtly called Naomi on my silent phone.

“Okay, okay. You win. Now tell me what you want,” I said. “All you’ve done is berate me and then threaten me. But the only reason why we’re both here is because I want to make this whole situation go away. And I’m willing to pay anything you ask.”

Professor Langley’s cousin flashed me another cold brittle smile. “Anything?”

The lilt in the girl’s tone sent a cold shiver down my spine. “It has to be within reason,” I added. “The video isn’t something I’d want publicly known, true, but I’m not going to do something else that you can use against me.”

“No, we wouldn’t want that,” said the girl, grabbing a fork from the shared container of clean cutlery and stabbed at huge piece of chicken. “Fine. We’ll keep this transactional then.”

“How much?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Would a hundred thousand sound reasonable?”

“What?”

“Two hundred thousand then.”

“I don’t have that kind of money,” I retorted. “My family doesn’t have that kind of money!”

“Too bad. I want two hundred thousand by the end of the week.”

I shook my head. “It’s too much.”

“Well, I think you’re getting the better half of the deal.”

“Two hundred thousand just to have you delete a video? No. This is extortion. Of the worst kind.”

The girl looked up from her salad, her lips curled up into a smirk. “Is it, now? Tell me, how much do you think your life is worth? Two million? Five billion? Take that into account when you say this is extortion.”

She took a bite of her chicken. Swallowed. Then set her fork down.

“By the way, in case you were curious, the gun is real. If you’d kept pushing me earlier, I doubt we would be having this conversation.”

I stared at her, agog. “You’re fucking insane.”

“A cross many of the enlightened have had to bear when confronted by those who choose to remain ignorant.”

“Do you even hear yourself right now? You’re worse than Amelia ever was. And she—”

“No. Don’t presume to speak of Amelia. You aren’t even worthy to speak her name,” hissed the girl. “It’s infuriating that she would ever pick you to be her protégé. Especially when I was always there. Waiting in the wings.”

“Fine. You want two hundred thousand, you’ll get it,” I said.

“It was nice doing business with you, Patricia,” said the girl, leaning over her salad and proffering a hand to shake on. “I hope you’ll come to see how mutually beneficial this was. For the both of us.”

~

“You need to take this to the police, Tricia. I’m serious.”

“And say what? I don’t even know her name.”

Naomi blinked up at me from the passenger seat. “Are you shitting me right now? She pulled a fucking gun on you. Threatened you with it. In a fucking diner. What if you had been shot?”

“Well, I wasn’t,” I said somewhat petulantly, crossing my arms and leaning back into the driver’s seat of my mother’s silver Honda Accord. “Besides, what if she releases the video out onto the internet?”

“It won’t matter. None of us are going to press charges, Trish. You know that,” retorted Naomi, anger flushing her tan skin red. “And from what I’ve seen, it’s a grainy video. You can barely make out any details. Listen to me. This isn’t worth your life.”

A pregnant silence descended over us as we sat in the car.

I knew Naomi was right. To an extent.

But she didn’t have a reputation in college to maintain. Even if I wasn’t charged, having a video like that out on the internet could impact my ability to network or find a job.

People had been cancelled for less on social media.

Could I consign myself to social suicide?

I glanced over at Naomi, still breathing heavily at my side. Her face was still red. But underneath the anger, there was fear and concern and…love.

Shit. I’d been so focused on how much the video would reflect on me and its damage to the curated image I’d tried to maintain, I’d forgotten about the people closest to me. How might they feel if I did something stupid and got myself killed? What would they think if I allowed Professor Langley’s cousin to blackmail me out of home and college.

More importantly, why did the opinions of literal strangers seem to matter more to me than the family and friends who had had my back for as long as I’d known them?

I opened my mouth, ready to apologise but Naomi spoke first, breaking the silence between us. “Look, I know this is a stressful situation for you. But the Trish I knew wouldn’t take this lying down. She’d fight back. Probably with the most unhinged plan to get what she wants.”

“And you saw how well that panned out in high school,” I said. “There’s a scar I still have.”

Naomi chuckled. “Yes, well, the incident with Amelia aside, you still managed to get crowned Prom Queen with Brad as Prom King. And you also got one of the highest marks in the grade.”

“Yeah, I did.”

Naomi placed a hand on my arm. “You’re the baddest motherfucker I know, Tricia. But also know you have me, Evie and, admittedly, Sanchez, on your side.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Are we really counting Sanchez in as part of our group? I’d say he’s more of a liability than anything else.”

“True,” admitted Naomi, “but he, surprisingly, has had his moments.”

“I’m sensing a story here, Naomi. Spill.”

“Maybe next time,” she hedged. “Let’s just get home first and come up with an actionable plan, yeah? Oh, and can we stop by Wendy’s? I’m starving.”

~

“Tori Louise Smathson,” I said, holding up a printout of the private Instagram page for Professor Langley’s cousin to the glass divider.

After trawling social media for two hours after I’d returned home, I’d found a picture of who I presumed was Tori, a large beaming smile on her face, dressed in the blue and gold private school uniform she must have worn. Her long blonde hair had been braided into two pig tails.

Amelia’s face was like stone.

“She’s the reason you were expelled from your last school. Right? Tell me what happened.”

Silence greeted my words. The minutes stretched between us and still Amelia said not a word.

I shifted awkwardly in my seat, still determined to get an answer. After all, I was running out of time. There was no telling when Tori Smathson would upload the video to destroy my reputation. And if I wanted any hope in hell to stem the blow, I needed some ammunition of my own.

Tori, herself, had revealed just how much she relied on Amelia. In so doing, she had revealed her one weakness.

One that I needed to take advantage of.

But I needed to know more.

“I know she visits you, Amelia. She told me herself at a diner three days ago. And told me you spurned her for me. If I didn’t know any better, I might have thought she loved you.”

Amelia’s left eye twitched at my words but she said nothing.

“Who was she to you. Really? Was it a lover’s spat gone wrong? It’s okay. We’re living in the 21st century now. There’s no need to be closeted. I mean—”

Laughter. Loud and raucous, and completely out of place. Had I missed something?

After wiping the corner of her eyes, Amelia stared at me dead in the eye. “You truly are desperate, Patricia, if you’re grasping for straws. So, this is why you deigned to visit me after so long.”

“I wouldn’t say two weeks was all that long a period,” I said testily.

“Ah, yes. But we didn’t actually chat, did we?”

“They said you were busy.” I shrugged, trying to play it off as nonchalantly as I could. Not wishing to reveal how much her rejection had hurt me even though I knew it had also been a mistake to give in.

This game I played with Amelia was dangerous. After all, the girl before me was a master manipulator.

I’d always thought I knew which buttons to press when I was Queen Bee of Seven Oaks but Amelia had made it an art form. No. It was better to keep my distance here.

“So, was this all just a waste of time? Or will you tell me more about Tori?”

“I could. But what would I get out of it?” asked Amelia as she leaned back in her chair, slinging one arm back over the chair.

I looked Amelia in the eye, taking in the grin. She thought she had all the power in this dynamic. And if I was being honest, she did. Without her help, I might as well consign myself to a fate worse than death.

Naomi might have thought it was something that could blow over by the next week, but I knew better. Scandal could remain for years.

It didn’t matter that I hadn’t been in my right mind. People would still use it against me.

Just like Tori Smathson.

Which was why I was here.

But there was only one thing I could really feasibly offer to Amelia. Doing so, however, meant I would be playing right into her hands.

Still, if it was the price I needed to pay…

Nervously, I licked my lips. “Well, look at this way: you’ll finally get to know how right you were. Two sides set against each other. You have me, still clinging to all my ‘false selves,’ and then you have Tori, a subscriber to your philosophy. It’ll be a battle for the ages and you’ll have front row seats.”

“You paint a pretty picture, Patricia. But I still don’t know why I should help you.”

My grip tightening on the receiver I feared I would crack it in half. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to relax. “Because the fight won’t be fair. And I know you’re a stickler for letting people make their own decisions. Be it for good or ill. More than that, it puts me in your debt.”

Amelia pondered my offer for several minutes. She even got up from her seat to pace the cramped room she had been given.

After what felt like aeons, she sat back down on the steel stool and picked up the receiver.

“Fine. I’ll play this little game of yours, Patricia.”

“Thank—”

“Oh no. Don’t thank me. It isn’t for you. Rather, I’m hoping this little game will simply hammer home the point I was meaning to make.”

~

In the end, everything comes back full circle, I thought as I stood outside the bleachers of Seven Oaks High, dressed in tight ripped black jeans and an oversized t-shirt. A duffel bag lay next to my feet. I rubbed my naked arms and pulled out my phone to check the time.

7:30 PM.

Tori Smathson was late. Or, possibly she had arrived early and was simply scoping the field to see if there might be any incoming threats. After all, I could have called the police. Or set up an elaborate trap.

When I’d announced the location for us to make the exchange, she hadn’t been happy. But I hadn’t wanted it to be in a public area where innocent bystanders could get hurt. Easier to find somewhere deserted. Where we might not get interrupted.

It had taken 20 minutes and three conditions before Tori had come round to the idea.

There was a cunning to her. I’d give her that.

As I waited for her to appear, I glanced across the football field and up at the orange sky with pink streaks. Sunset. Well, almost. The sun was hanging low over the horizon. It would be another ten minutes before it would start to sink below the mountains.

My phone pinged and I glanced down.

                Unknown: u hv the $$?

I quickly replied back with an affirmative. And then followed it up with a: where r u?

Text bubbles appeared for a few seconds before vanishing. Then they appeared again.

                Unknown: u alone? i thought i saw sumthing earlier.

Goddammit. If it was Sanchez and Evie getting frisky somewhere in our old school, heads were going to roll. I’d given them explicit instructions to remain out of sight.

Smathson had been adamant that no-one else was to be here.

Of course, it might not be Sanchez or Evie but a student or teacher. The musical theatre kids were notorious for coming in at almost all hours to build their extravagant sets or to quietly rehearse their scenes in an empty classroom or two.

That, however, was out of my control. And I said as much when I texted Smathson back

                Unknown: fine. i’ll b there in 5. stay put. no funny business yeh?

If the situation wasn’t so dire, I would have rolled my eyes.

The minutes ticked by slowly. After what felt like an aeon, a familiar blonde hair ducked beneath the bleachers.

Tori Smathson was dressed head to toe in black. From the thick scarf around her neck to the satin gloves and heavy-duty boots she wore though it was still a warm 80 or so degrees out. Summer, this year, was a right killer. Especially when one was trying to sleep at night.

Unwinding her scarf, Tori flashed me a cold smile. “Where’s the money, Patricia?”

“In the duffle bag,” I said, giving it a kick.

“You wouldn’t mind if I checked it, would you?”

“I would, in fact. How do I know you haven’t set the video up on some server, ready to be released as soon as you get the money?”

She sneered. “The unenlightened always doubt.”

“Yes, well, you haven’t engendered much faith, have you?” I retorted. “If I remember correctly, you held me at gunpoint in a diner just last week.”

“Fine,” said Tori. She pulled out her phone from her coat pocket, unlocked it and showed me the video she was using to blackmail me.

“And this is the only one?”

“Yes. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like the money?”

“Sure. Sure. But before you take duffle bag and run off, I wanted a conversation with you. Could you do that at least, Tori?”

Smathson’s brow furrowed. She straightened up and crossed her arms. “If this is a delaying tactic, Patricia, this won’t work.”

“No, no. Nothing at all like that. It’s just, I want to get something off my chest.”

“Oh?”

I scratched the side of my nose. “The whole blackmail thing, the video, it really brought me back to a dark place. Did you know? I was bullied in middle school. Snot-nosed teacher’s pet Patty, they used to call me. I had these thick-rimmed glasses and acne all over my face.

“And though I joined a thousand different clubs, wanting to fit in, I never did. The theatre kids looked down on my mathematical prowess. Math club turned their noses up my desire to join a sports team. And the dance team? They knew I was good at it but they could never let me in on their final line-up. Despite all the hours I’d poured into practice.”

“A story told a million times over in almost every school,” said Tori, although her face had paled. Just the tiniest bit.

“Enter high school,” I continued, ignoring her interruption. “I didn’t want to sit alone in the cafeteria anymore. Or be cast aside as another oddity. In so doing, I changed everything about myself to fit into the mold expected of a Queen Bee. The anger and resentment within me had found new purpose. But it was also tinged with fear. Although I didn’t have any old classmates at Seven Oaks High, I worried people would figure me out and see me for the impostor I was.

“Then, of course, there were the expectations I get good grades too. That part, too, was still engrained heavily in me. But it’s a tale as old as time, isn’t it? Considering it was something you also went through.”

A shadow of a heretofore unknown emotion flitted across Tori’s face before she hid it behind her mask of cool indifference. “Is that all, Patricia?” she asked. “It’s not going to make me change my mind, you know. I don’t care a whit about the baggage you’ve gone through. I just want the money.”

“Fine,” I said, giving the duffle bag another kick. “Take it. But we both know the reason you’re doing all this, Tori, is because you want to find an escape. Just like me, you thought you had to be someone you weren’t. Amelia took advantage of that. Tore down the walls you built up, feeding on your insecurities.

“Your family, of course, don’t understand. They salt the wounds Amelia left behind.

“There is, however, another answer. You don’t have to go through with this. This isn’t you,” I said, extending a hand out.

Smathson smacked my hand away and grabbed the duffle bag, her face a few shades whiter than it had been before. “What the fuck do you know about me anyway? Stop trying to act all high and mighty. I know who I am. You’re the one who’s at a loss, playing at pretend.”

“Am I?”

“If you weren’t, this stupid video wouldn’t hold such power over you,” she sneered. “Well, I’m sure you’ll understand that I’ll need to check the money before I commit to deleting it.”

“Of course.”

She weighed the bag in her hands for a few moments, perhaps wondering if this was all a trap before she set it back down on the grass, knelt down and unzipped it. The first stack of $20 bills was pulled out. Then another.

Until, finally, she pulled out her first $50 and $100 stack.

Smathson whirled on me then, face red. “You think this is a game?” she roared at me. “Where’s the fucking money, Patricia?”

I remained as calm as I could. “Right there. In your hands.”

“This?” she slapped a fat stack of $20s in my face. “This is fucking Monopoly money!”

“Is it?” I asked, furrowing my brow deep in thought. “Weird. I definitely know I filled the bag with money I got from my parents. It was a whole fiasco, asking them for two hundred thousand dollars.”

“You bitch! I’ll fucking destroy you,” spat Smathson. “You come here, trying to sell me a sob story so I’ll sympathise with you because of all the ‘similarities’ between us, but you’re just lying to my face. You don’t know me. You never will. Not about the things I’ve done and the sacrifices I’ve made. Anger is all I have left.”

I threw my hands up, alarmed. “Tori, I’m sorry if you believe that’s the case—”

“Don’t you dare say my name! I know what you’re trying to do and it won’t work!”

“Please, just listen—”

“No! I want my two hundred thousand, Patricia. And I want it now. If you value your life, you’ll get it to me by whatever means necessary,” said Tori as she reached for her small black purse.

Before she could pull anything out, Sanchez came in from the left and tackled Tori to the ground. He pinned her arms above her.

Hissing like a cat, the girl struggled to free herself. She almost managed to knee Sanchez in the balls but the footballer was quicker.

“Helps when you have friends, doesn’t it?” I said almost casually as I crouched over Tori. “Trish was meant to be a caricature, true. The stereotypical mean girl Queen Bee. Somewhere along the way, though, it stopped being fake and I learned to love the friends I’d made. Evie might not have been smart, and Naomi liked the finer things in life, but over the years, I’ve learned there’s more to just the first impressions they gave.

“Therapy can help you too. We are more than just the persona we project to the outer world, Tori. But they’re also a part of who we are. It’s not a bad thing to be known as the nerd or the popular Queen Bee. Yes, I was cruel in how I wielded my anger and insecurities, but there’s no shame in admitting needing help. What’s important is knowing when to ask for help.”

Tori tried to spit at my face. “Are you done preaching?”

“Not quite,” I said, taking her purse and upending it. A small hand pistol plopped out on the ground. I kicked it aside. “Now we are. Sanchez, care to escort our friend over to the parking lot?”

“With pleasure, milady.”

I watched as Sanchez manage to wrestle Tori up to her feet and then frogmarched her away from the football field. Pulling out my phone, I texted Naomi and Evie that I was fine and everything had gone swimmingly. As I put my phone away, something silver and metallic caught my eye just a few feet away in the clipped grass.

Tori Smathson’s phone.

Just like Amelia told me, Tori hadn’t bothered with facial recognition or biometric recognition. Instead, she had set up a six-digit passcode. I entered in the code Amelia had told me.

The phone unlocked.

I clicked into the Photos app and opened up the video Tori had filmed that fateful night. Once more, I saw how I rose to my feet and swayed like I was drunk before lashing out at Sanchez and Evie. Or what I assumed were Sanchez and Evie. The picture was grainy at best. Shot over a long distance. And the camera work was shaky.

It ended right as Sanchez managed to sneak around behind me before restraining me in a bear hug.

Shit. Naomi had been right.

The video could hardly be called hard evidence. To any passersby, it might have looked like a group of friends having a drunken night out.

Still, it was better to be safe than sorry. I deleted the video. Then I deleted it again from the recycling bin.

But just as I was about to pocket Tori Smathson’s phone, a photo dated three years ago caught my eye. In it, both she and Amelia were smiling at the camera outside the local shopping mall. Both of them were wearing the school uniform of the prestigious high school they had attended: blue with gold trim blazers, white shirts and plaid tartan skirts.

My thoughts drifted, pondering what had caused the rift between them.

Amelia had said little when I’d pressed her about the incident that had drove the wedge between them and which had driven her down a dark path. One that Tori seemed to follow though she had initially rejected it.

Maybe it had been a lover’s tiff? Or perhaps Tori Smathson, obsessed still with the image she wanted to maintain, had pushed Amelia too far. Then, lashing out, Amelia had dug her own claws into Tori.

Leaving both of them miserable and social outcasts.

At least, that was the theory I’d concocted.

In the end, it didn’t matter who had started what. That was all in the past. And it wasn’t my responsibility to go digging, I thought as I locked Tori’s phone and slipped it into the back pocket of my ripped jeans. I’d return it to her later.

As I took another look around my old high school, I couldn’t help but dwell how different I felt from when I’d ruled the school as Queen Bee.

No longer did I feel overwhelmed; fearful of what might happen if I was unmasked for being an impostor.

And there were many things I was grateful for that I’d never once considered before.

I was alive. I was unharmed. And, more importantly, I was seeking help.

While I wasn’t completely healed from the damage inflicted by my childhood traumas, I was taking steps to better myself. Already, I had come to accept my whole entire self – the facets I thought I’d conjured up to compartmentalise the different aspects of my life.

True, none of them were the real me. Yet, at the same time, all of them were me.

It was a difficult concept to wrap my head around still, but I knew it would only be a matter of time.

And that was okay.

Feeling lighter than I had in days, I turned towards the school parking lot.

There was a story I still needed to bring to a close.

Toymaker

I am very proud to say I’ve finished writing ANOTHER novel length story! Hip hip hooray!

Will it ever get published by an actual publisher and be available for purchase? Goodness knows! I don’t have the courage to get rejected a hundred times. And from what I’ve been hearing about the scandals in the book community, maybe it’s all for the best.

I mean, it sounds like a full-time job to fake several social media accounts and drag other struggling artists down. But hey, might be more fun than working a 9-5 job and doing some writing on the side, whilst juggling all my other hobbies like video games and keeping up with pop culture shows.

Anyways, here’s a snippet of the prologue for my new story: Toymaker. Please note, it’s a sequel to Wild Child. If you want to read the stories in full, please visit my fictionpress: scattered.wind or my Wattpad: kyndaris.


Prologue

Two days had passed and still there was no sign of the mysterious woman, or her companion, that had thrust the babe in his arms. Had they been hurt? Possibly killed? It was impossible to say. Lacet dared not ponder the third possibility. For someone who grown up as he had, it was unthinkable. What kind of monsters would abandon their only child?

Yet, each time he had tried to return to Wyndhaven to seek additional information about Merrine, the bedraggled woman with a desperate look in h er eyes, a strange compulsion had settled upon him and Lacet had found himself marching back out past the gates of the capital. No matter how hard he tried, he could not enter the capital for long.

If it was a spell, he did not know it. At the Academy, there had been talk amongst scholarly circles of a new untapped field of magic. One that had been centred on the mind and the electrical impulses which powered all living things. It had been an elective. And like so many subjects at the Academy, it had not interested him much, focused as he was solely on passing the mandatory courses he already. What spare time he had, Lacet had poured into reading up on what few scholarly papers there were on golems and tinkering with his own clockwork projects.

Lacet raised the mug of the inn’s cheapest ale to his lips and took a sip, his mind turned once again to the child he had been unceremoniously saddled with. What was he to do with her?

Given his funds, he would not be able to stay in this inn near Wyndhaven for much longer. The pittance he had received upon graduating from the Academy would not last him long with another mouth to feed. And he needed every coin he could get if he hoped to become the foremost scholar on golemetry. Opening up an apothecary shop was just the beginning.

And yet, he could not simply abandon the girl either. Lacet knew what it was like to have no-one to care for him. Fortune had smiled upon both him and Marus when the matron had decided to take them both in. Maybe he could bring the child back to the orphanage before setting off. At the very least, she would have a safe haven from the harsh realities of the street.

It wouldn’t be the best life, but it was better than nothing. And if he found some success, he could funnel some money back to her and the orphanage.

Draining the rest of his ale, he stood from the table. He could not keep dithering like this.

It was time to make a decision. One way or the other.

The longer he tarried, the more his plans for the future crumbled into dust. And that was not something he could afford. Not when so many things hung in the balance.

Still, there was a possibility even now Merrine was looking for her child. Not for the first time, Lacet wondered if he ought to have set up watch at one of the other gates coming in and out of the city.

At the time, discretion had seemed the better part of valour. Whoever the robed figure had been, they had promised trouble. Not even a ball of boiling plasma had done much against them. The magic unravelling and dealing little more than a glancing blow.

The Eastern Gate, therefore, had been perfect for his needs. It was understated with little foot traffic except for the occasional large caravans that left through it, headed towards the duchy of Everrun and to the other outlying territories of the Kingdom.

Lacet thanked the innkeeper before headed towards the stairs. The stairs were rickety as he climbed up towards the room he had hired. When he approached his door, he kept his step light. Pushing open the door, he was met by a sleeping babe. She was still satiated by the feeding an hour or so ago, a smile on her lips. Swaddled in blankets, all he could see of her was a strand of pure white hair as she slept in a small cot next to his bed.

She looked so small; vulnerable almost. Why would Merrine simply hand her away. What kind of danger was this little infant in?

It boggled Lacet’s mind.

Keeping watch on their perch beside the cot, was Minerva, – his owl familiar. Minerva hopped towards him and hooted a greeting.

“How has she been?” Lacet asked the great horned owl.

The bevy of images flashing through his mind told Lacet all was well. He leaned over to scritch the top of Minerva’s head, unable to hide the smile stealing across his face. Minerva had been a faithful companion ever since he had sat in the small glade of trees on the Academy grounds as part of the summoning ritual which had been part of his course to become a qualified mage.

It was too bad he had nothing to give her as a treat. He needed every spare coin.

As if sensing his presence, the babe stirred. Her face screwed up in distaste and then she let out an awful cry.

The moment ruined, Lacet rushed to her side and picked her up. Seeing him, her entire expression transformed. Delighted at seeing her caretaker, she gurgled out a string of incoherent words that meant absolutely nothing to him.

When he stared at her blankly, Idana reached up to tug at his hair. He held her away, frowning. Damn it. He’d referred to her once again by name in his head.

That was a boundary he could not keep crossing. One of these days, Merrine would be back to reclaim her child and it was easier, for all involved, if Lacet kept this baby girl at a distance.

But he could not help it as his thoughts circled back to her name. Idana was the name embroidered on one of the blankets in gold stitching. It was an odd name. Derived from the old tongue. From his studies, Lacet knew it meant she who rises. Although, there were some scholars that contested the translation.

It was best suited for warrior queens of old. Not bestowed upon green-eyed she-devils. “You knew I’d come back, cheeky little thing,” said Lacet.

The baby babbled at him again.

In his heart of hearts, Lacet knew it would be no simple matter of leaving her behind if Merrine or the man who had been with her did not show. The child needed him. And until he could reunite both mother and daughter, he would have to remain at The Docile Dragon until he received word of what had happened to the couple that had knocked on his dormitory door seeking aid.

Even if it meant he would run out of coin.

Unless of course he took Idana with him. But that was out of the question when everything was still in limbo. What if Merrine were to show up the day after he had left? No. He could never do that to someone who clearly loved their child as much as the woman seemed to…

So, why did she see fit to leave Idana with him?

There were too many questions running through his mind and too few answers.

With a sigh, Lacet set Idana back down in her cot. He would wait until the end of the week. In that time, perhaps he would try once more to see if he couldn’t find out what was going on in the capital. He might not be able to enter Wyndhaven as yet, but he could certainly pay a messenger or two to help him make a few discreet enquiries. Minerva, too, could serve as an extra pair of eyes.

Concentrating, he cast a small illusion spell to keep the baby entertained. “Looks like we’ll be staying a bit longer,” he told Minerva once Idana had settled and was staring at the pretty picture he had conjured with fascination. “At least it gives me time to work on that enlargement spell for the suitcase. Thank goodness I hadn’t figured it out before else I don’t think you would have been able to lug it with you when you swooped in to find me last night, eh?”

Minerva aggressively nipped at his fingers in reply.

~

Even after a week, there had still been no word. No-one had heard of Merrine or a woman matching her description. Nor had there been anyone who had seen anything at the Academy dormitories. It was as if the entire confrontation with the robed individual had simply been a figment of his imagination. What frustrated Lacet more than anything else was the fact he could not verify anything he had been told. The compulsion spell still bound him to the outskirts of the capital, unable to enter.

Sat at a table in one of the far booths, Lacet ran his hands through his hair as he took stock of his current situation. He had exhausted all avenues he had to search for Idana’s mother and all he had to show for his efforts was a nearly empty coin purse. There was barely enough money for him to stay another two nights.

Time had finally run out.

Though Lacet was loathe to leave now, he had no other options available.

His one regret was Idana. It seemed a terrible shame to leave her but taking her with him would, no doubt, have its own share of problems. Better the innkeeper and his family take her in until such a time her mother was able to come looking for her.

The instant they had seen her green eyes, flecked with gold, blinking up at them after her nap, they had fallen in love with the girl.

They were good people. Honest. Hardworking.

Lacet knew Idana would be well looked after in their care.

It had been a hard decision, but he knew better than anyone what a child needed to grow up in a world as harsh as theirs. And, if he were lucky, he could send some money their way. It wouldn’t be much. After all, there were the kids at the orphanage to think about as well as well as his dream.

As more people entered the establishment, hunting for a drink or a warm meal to end a long day of work, Lacet rose from his seat. He had an early morning and there were still quite a few things he needed to pack into his newly enlarged suitcase. Thank Amoleth the last of his belongings had been delivered to The Docile Dragon just this morning at no expense. He would not have known what to do without his tools or the toy models he had been working on.

Just as he reached the stairs, Lacet looked towards the bar, hoping to catch the attention of the innkeeper and signal the fact he was retiring for the day. Occupied with a guest, he gave Lacet a distracted nod. Turning his attention back to the stairs, Lacet saw a flash of white from the corner of his eye.

Instinct, more than anything else, was what saved his life as a ball of plasma slammed into the hasty protective shield he wrapped around himself. It shuddered under the impact but held. Barely.

Lacet scanned the crowd of new arrivals, hoping to spot the mage that had tried to attack him.

There!

Fast approaching the stairs was a robed individual. The woman’s face was set with a grim determination as she pushed her way to the front.

Their eyes met.

In that instant, Lacet knew it was not him she was after but the babe placed in his charge. Idana was in danger.

He sprinted up the stairs, three at a time. Another ball of plasma careened into his shield, fizzling out as it skimmed over the top and slammed into the wall next to the stairs.

Krags and damnation!

Lacet risked a glance over his shoulder. Could he fire his own spell back at the woman?

At the foot of the stairs, the woman reached into her robes. Before she could withdraw her weapon, someone tackled her to the floor. Lacet whispered a prayer to the Mother of All and continued climbing up to his rooms. He couldn’t afford to hurt anyone or damage the inn. It didn’t matter his foe had almost no compunction about casualties. No-one would be harmed under his watch.

And his best bet in doing that was to grab Idana, take his suitcase and get away from The Docile Dragon as quickly as possible. Thankfully he had already paid for the night.

Lacet burst through the door to his rooms and took in the still sleeping child and alarmed horned owl perched atop the cot and looking down at her charge. At any other time, it would have been a normal everyday scene. But now, with danger fast approaching, Lacet could see how he had been lured into a false sense of security. “We have to go,” he said to the familiar as he scooped Idana into one arm and picked up his suitcase in the other.

Going back down the stairs was out of the question. Luckily enough, the rooms he had been furnished with had a tiny balcony. With a small spurt of magic, he opened the rusted doors and stepped through. The rickety wooden structure buckled under his weight. No matter. It wasn’t as if he was going to stay there long. Minerva fluttered over to land on his shoulder.

“Better hold on tight,” said Lacet as he leapt up onto the railing and stepped off into mid-air.

To anyone on the streets and looking up, it would have seemed as if time stopped. Lacet hung in the air, as if he were waiting for gravity to pull him down to the earth. And then he took another step and something bore him aloft.

It was a simple spell. One Lacet had learned the moment he had stepped into the hallowed halls of the Academy.

He raced down the platforms of hardened air he had created. By the time he had reached the ground, he was breathing hard, a stitch forming in his side. Idana, cradled in his arms, blinked up at him with her green eyes. She had woken and was seemingly delighted at the sudden turn of events as she let out a gurgle of pleasure.

Lacet risked another look over his shoulder. The Docile Dragon stood behind him, unchanged.

To the casual observer, nothing would be out of the ordinary except for the fact a man had descended down into the back streets as easily as if he had taken a long flight of stairs when there was naught but empty space.

Sudden movement drew Lacet’s gaze and he looked up at his rooms. A woman stood leaning over the railings to the balcony. The hood she had worn earlier had fallen back, revealing hair as black as sin. She held something in both hands.

Too late, Lacet realised what it was and began to run. A thunderous explosion sounded behind him a second later and he felt something skim his cheek, narrowly missing Idana.

Lacet cursed under his breath. The latest revolvers were something magic had not yet encountered. The balls of metal they spewed travelled at such a speed they could not be so easily repelled or stopped by a shield.

Out on the street, he was a sitting duck!

With Minerva following close behind him, he swerved into a side alley. Another bullet ricocheted against the cobblestones behind him just as he ducked behind cover.

With a wall between him and the shooter, Lacet used the opportunity to catch his breath and take stock of his situation.

Though they were not in the bustling roads of the capital, The Docile Dragon was still situated in a messy urban sprawl just outside the East Gate. It would be easy to lose their pursuer in the warren of back alleys and side streets – but that was based on the premise the woman was acting alone. Somehow Lacet doubted that.

If she was part of a team then he and Idana were still in danger.

There was no telling which direction the enemy would come from next. He needed to leave Wyndhaven behind and either head inland or find himself a boat willing to take on board two passengers for a small fee.

But which choice was best?

If Lacet had his way, he would have created a table to weigh the benefits and the drawbacks to each decision. Unfortunately, he did not have the luxury of time to think or weigh up arguments for and against each proposed option.

A decision needed to be made. And fast.

As the chatter of gunfire stopped, Lacet risked taking a peek again at the back of The Docile Dragon. The woman was gone.

Where the Hells was she? Fruitlessly, he scanned the streets for any sign of the sharpshooter but to no avail.

Panic threatened to seize him but lacet pushed it down. He could not afford to waste any more time. Bad people were after them. Lacet knew he needed to keep moving if he hoped to be a step ahead and keep Idana safe.

He dashed down the alleyway. When he reached a junction, he turned left before ducking into another side alley on his right. Minerva, flying up ahead, had informed him turning right would only lead to a dead-end. Through their bond, the great horned owl served as his eyes to navigate the maze he now found himself in.

He took the next right and continued straight ahead when he reached a crossroads. As he turned left at the second fork, Lacet came to a screeching halt. Standing at the far end was a hooded figure, robed all in white. Just like the woman who had attacked him before.

Lacet slowly backed away, mindful of the babe in the arms. Maybe if he tried going right instead…

As he turned, another figure dressed in thick black robes stepped into view, trapping him and Idana in this narrow street. None looked like the woman who had tried to shoot at him from the balcony of The Docile Dragon. That meant they were a party of at least three.

Krags. What now?

Up above, Minerva circled overhead.

In these narrow streets, she was at a disadvantage. But perhaps she could dive at the one in white? Lacet could follow it up with a concussive blast and knock them down. Then the way would be open for him to run. Elsewise, he could try to muscle his way past the figure robed in black. But that would mean heading back to The Docile Dragon and he still didn’t know where the first attacker was.

No. He’d go for the one in front of him.

Decision made, he set down his suitcase and focused on drawing in magic.

In his arms, Idana let out a gurgle and tried to reach for him with outstretched hands. “Not now,” he muttered to the girl, shifting his hold on her. Idana, however, was not so easily dissuaded. She wriggled around and Lacet almost thought his heart had stopped when she nearly dropped to the ground.

“Give us the girl,” said the figure in white, taking a step forward. The voice sounded deep; masculine. It carried a hint of an accent. One Lacet could not quite pinpoint, though he knew the man before him was not a native of the Kingdom.

“And why should I? What do you want with her?”

“That is not your concern. Hand her over and you will be unharmed. I give you my word.”

Lacet barely contained the snort. “You think I’d readily believe that? One of your own just shot at me mere moments ago. You know what I think? I think you’ll try to silence me as soon as I hand Idana over. No. She stays with me.”

The man tsked under his breath, one hand reaching underneath his robe. “Then you leave us with no choice.”

Before the man could unsheathe the weapon he had kept hidden, Minerva dived down from above. Her talons raked across his face. Snarling, he tried to bat her away to no avail, revealing the dagger he had kept concealed. Taking the opportunity presented to him, Lacet unleashed the spell he had been holding. In his arms, Idana let out a coo of disappointment as the magic was unleashed.

The concussive force blasted into the hooded man, bowling him over.

In an instant, Minerva was away, flapping her wings furiously.

Not daring to look back at the figure in black behind him, Lacet picked up his belongings and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Idana bounced in his arms, giggling in delight.

Behind him, there was a shout of alarm. Lacet ignored it. Just as he did the burning in his legs and the terrible pressure on his lungs. He needed to get away.

Just as Lacet reached the corner, something slammed into his back and he went sprawling into the dirt. Dazed, Lacet found his suitcase crushed beneath him. By Amoleth’s blessing, Idana remained unharmed. She sat a few centimetres away from him, prattling excitedly as she playfully struck the ground around her.

Dear Amoleth, the babe before him thought it was all a game!

Lacet scrambled to his feet., only one thought in mind.

Pain seared along his left leg just as he bent down to scoop Idana into his arms. He stumbled, leaning against the wall of a warehouse to steady himself. Sensing something was amiss, Idana began to crawl towards him. She let out a questioning coo, her brow furrowed.

Glancing behind him, Lacet spied the figure in black fast approaching. He rose once again on unsteady feet to face their assailant, a spell on his lips.

Right before he could finish the incantation, he was blasted back by a searing fireball that nearly scorched away his eyebrows.

Whoever these people were, they were not simple assassins. Just like the woman earlier, they were also skilled mages. Against such raw power, Lacet was helpless.

With a heavy thud, Lacet landed on his back. The air rushed from his lungs as the wind was knocked out of him. He tried to take in a breath but the effort burned. It was as if the air around him was still aflame and he was inhaling it with each intake of air.

Was this what dying felt like?

Seconds passed as he fought past the pain and tried to gather his wits. Stunned as he was by the blow, though, he could only watch as the figure in black reached Idana.

Before the man could pick her up, Minerva came swooping down from above. Yet even the owl was no match against a mage with such strength. She was slammed against the wall by the wave of a concussive force and held there for several moments before the mage let the spell go.

Minerva flopped onto the ground; still and unmoving. Lacet felt a spike of fear lance through his heart.

It was then that a piercing wail erupted. Idana, fat teardrops trailing down her cheeks, tried to reach for the bird. She was still too young to understand the severity of the situation but she did know her friend was hurt. It twisted something in Lacet’s chest as he bore witness to the scene.

There was his familiar. And there was his charge.

Krags, but he needed to do something!

Through sheer force of will, Lacet managed roll onto his stomach. He had but one shot. And by Amoleth, he would die before Idana was taken.

The figure grabbed her by the scruff of her neck. She struggled in their grip, trying to twist herself free as she once more reached for the fallen Minerva. Her faithful friend and babysitter over the last week.

“What do you want with her?” Lacet screamed at the person. “She’s just a babe. No danger to anyone! I beg of you, show us mercy. Please!”

A spell cut across Lacet’s face; razor sharp. It left a thin line of blood in its wake, atop the bridge of his nose. Lacet resisted the urge to hiss in pain as he pulled himself closer. He would be strong in this final stand. There was, after all, still one spell he had up his sleeve.

Idana continued to squirm in the grip of the figure wreathed in black. Her cries were filled with an earnest desperation. One that pulled at Lacet’s heartstrings as she called out to the defeated familiar.

If only he could get to her…

The figure backhanded Idana to shut her up. In that moment of contact, time stopped. Idana’s eyes flashed a brilliant gold and between one blink to the next, she landed on the ground with a gentle as a tidal wave of magic washed outwards. The assailant let out a silent scream before crumbling into dust amidst scorching blue flames.

As did the man in white who had risen to his feet and had been limping towards them.

What in Amoleth’s name…?

~

Battered and bruised, Lacet had returned to The Docile Dragon late in the evening with Idana and Minerva in tow. It might not have been the smartest decision but he needed to make sure the innkeeper and his family were safe. And to tell them he had changed his mind regarding the care of the white-haired girl that was, even now, trying to tug at his hair as she happily babbled nonsensically.

It was clear if she stayed in Wyndhaven, she would be under the constant threat of being taken or worse, killed. The people that had attacked them were powerful mages. And there were few people who could stand against them. Even if Idana could somehow reawaken the strange power of hers residing within.

Beyond those key factors, Lacet could not live with the knowledge he had condemned good people to die.

It was better Idana stay with him for the time being.

At the very least, he could train her and channel her gift towards something good. Besides, how hard could it be to raise a child and mentor them in the art of magic?

Muse-ic and Lyrics

It should come as no surprise to my dear readers that I do a lot of writing. After all, I pepper this blog with regular posts. Beyond that, I remain committed to my story writing despite the fact that I have work and many time-intensive hobbies such as playing video games, streaming TV shows and movies, as well as reading.

Honestly, there simply isn’t enough time in the day. Maybe if I cut out sleep I could do all that I wanted and more? What if I won the lottery and could live a life of luxury forever more?

All tempting propositions, I assure you, dear readers, but all very much in the realm of fantasy.

So, how do I manage to do so many things and manage to listen to the best and brightest compositions from song writers and actual orchestral geniuses? 

Well, dear reader, the answer is simple. My writing does not go unaccompanied. Some people might prefer solitude or the rumbling of traffic to score their writing time. I, on the other hand, find it much more difficult to maintain flow if I’m also not jamming out to a lively soundtrack. Yes, yes. I know that other people just like to listen music while on a busy commute or out on the streets but for this blogger, it’s all about rocking out to harpsichords and Gregorian choirs while I’m trying to paint the most outrageous worlds with the help of just text.

Although, of course, there are moments where I might have to pause a piece of music if it proves too distracting for the scene that I’m attempting to write (I really need to learn to outline rather than write everything by the seat of my pants with only vague guidelines to steady the madness of my stories. That’s what editing is for!) 

Most of the time, my writing is scored by orchestral music from video games or films. After experimenting over the years, I found it too distracting to listen to actual songs with proper lyrics. Why? Because the lyrics would mix in with the words I’d been trying to convey. It’s also why I hate people trying to talk to me whilst I’m in the middle of a sentence or paragraph and trying to figure out how best to convey what’s happening in my imagination to the proverbial paper.

To be fair, I should probably be listening to lo-fi beats to aid with my concentration but there’s always something great about getting a battle theme pumping through my headphones as I write. There’s just something about it that keeps me motivated to see the scene through (or knock out 200 words for the day [on a side note, the more I hear about outlining and taking time to plot out a scene in order to get down 1000 words within thirty minutes, the more I feel like that’s really something I ought to try for. This whole groping in the dark approach that I do is probably not the best for getting quality work down.]). 

And though the music doesn’t often imitate the scene I’m going for, it still somehow manages to keep me invested in the world that I’m building up from scratch.

Mayhaps, though, after this sequel to Wild Child is finished, I’ll move to using dedicated playlists for the stories I write rather than just grooving to whatever is on the Game Show with Meena Shamaly on ABC Classic FM or the strange mix of different music when I listen to a complete OST from a game. 

It does, overall, seem better placed than listening to a whole host of music that may or may not be appropriate. After all, if I’m writing a fighting scene it wouldn’t do to have calming field/ town music being played. And if I’m writing something sad or shocking, why should I be listening to an upbeat sunny score that was used for when the video game characters were out on the beach?

Despite these mild quirks, though, I don’t think my writing has been too impaired by what I’ve been listening to – although, perhaps, I might not go back to listening to the soundtracks of The World Ends With You and NEO: The World Ends With You if I’m hoping for a proper productive day of actual story-writing. 

So, the next time you see a short story uploaded here on the blog or read a novel-length story on my FictionPress/ Wattpad, know that I did so whilst listening to Animal Crossing or Ori and the Blind Forest or even a hundred-hour-long Japanese role-playing game like Xenoblade Chronicles 3

Control State

So, the other day, I just finished editing my terrible thriller story and I’ve been uploading it to FictionPress and Wattpad. You can find me on FictionPress as scattered.wind, whereas my handle on Wattpad is the same as the one here.

As is tradition, here’s a sneak preview of the story – presenting the first chapter:


Zitao yanked the USB stick out from the computer as soon as the transfer was complete. As he set about deleting the files that he had accessed, he glanced at the time displayed on the screen and swore under his breath. Too long. It had taken far too long. He glanced over his shoulder towards the closed door. No-one there. He was still good. There might be time still to do what needed to done. Even though, at any moment, security might realise what he had planned and stop him.

One way or another, he would leak the information out.

If he had any doubts before, they had all been wiped away when he had watched the videos on the tests that had been carried out in secret. They had gone too far – corrupting the one thing he had poured his heart and soul into.

His best bet would be to smuggle the USB drive out to an outspoken media outlet that wasn’t scared of treading on corporate and government toes. It would not be easy. As soon as they found out what had happened, his life would be forfeit.

That thought, above all, was hard and difficult. Zitao knew the path he had chosen would be hard. After all, it was the path not often taken by others. He could have been just like them: turning a blind eye to the atrocities that were being conducted in plain view. It would be understandable. After all, he had a family.

But to do such a thing was anathema to his morals. And he did not want his kids to grow up in a world where such things were possible.

He reached for the pistol he had tucked into the waistband of his pants when he heard the door open with a creak, heart hammering in his chest. Fear coursed through him as he whirled around and raised the gun. Had he run out of time already? Zitao tightened his grip on the trigger. He had never fired a weapon before. Or taken a life.

The guards, however, did not know that. Most of them carried batons and tasers, their equipment akin to crowd control when it came to unruly protestors. They would not have the equipment to take down armed with more firepower than their fists. He could use that to his advantage.

This was a truth he refused to have buried.

“It’s me, Zitao,” said the man, arms raised. “I saw the alert come through. Luckily, I was on camera duty and saw you enter the laboratory. Let me help you with whatever this is.” In the light of the computer monitors, Zitao recognised the buzz cut and the small cleft in the man’s chin and lowered the pistol.

He sighed and ran a hand down his face. “Why? They’ll only kill you too, Jiemi.”

“I know you, Zitao. Whatever it is, you’re trying to make something right. I want to help.” There was a frank earnestness in Jiemi’s voice. And it broke Zitao’s heart to hear it.

Zitao shook his head, knowing this his friend didn’t understand the ramifications of his actions. Not yet, at least. “You’ll only be painting a target on your back,” he said as he headed to the opposite door from where Jiemi had entered.

As he reached for the handle, Jiemi caught his wrist. “I owe you everything, Zitao. Were it not—”

“Enough Jiemi! The longer we spend talking here, the more likely I’ll be caught.” Zitao entered the pin and waited with bated breath for the light to go green. The door clicked open.

“I can run interference. Say that a mistake was made,” continued Jiemi, following behind. “I can fix this.”

“No. You don’t understand, Jiemi. These people are dangerous. This isn’t like the games we used to play. You’re too blind to see what they’re doing.  And I do now want you to throw your life away. That’s why I’m doing this.” Zitao felt a lump form in his throat as he looked over his shoulder. His friend would see that his actions were necessary. In time. For now, Jiemi was still a cog in the machine. Ignorant of the truth as so many others were. “If you really wish to help me, tell my wife and kids that I love them. Will you do that? For me?”

Jiemi’s brow furrowed as he looked for an answer. It made him appear much older than his thirty-six years. Zitao knew it was unfair of him to ask so much of his friend and ask him to choose between his clear desire to protect and doing the smart thing.

Still, it was better that Jiemi not know the truth. Not yet, at least. Because the less Jiemi knew, the less of a threat he would be. And that was one life Zitao did not want on his conscience. Jiemi seemed to realise that as well. “Okay,” he finally said, though it was clear from his tone that he was still conflicted. “You should be able to make it out undetected if you take the stairs. It’ll take them a while for them to remove your access. Good luck Zitao.”

“Thank you.”

Zitao did not look back as the door shut behind him. This was the right thing to do. His choice had been made the moment he had snuck down into the research and development wing. But he’d be damned if he dragged more people in. This was his fight.

Taking a deep breath, he gathered his thoughts. He had a job to do. He sprinted down the hallway, aiming for the emergency stairwell. Behind him, alarms began to sound and bright orange lights started to flash. He had run out of time.

Curious voices sounded from the rooms that he passed. Zitao ignored them. When he reached the door that marked the fire stairs, Zitao burst through and raced up them, two at a time. By the time he had reached the third landing, he was puffing heavily. God, how he hated stairs. Yet, to go back would serve no purpose. Not after what he had done.

The sound of his footsteps echoed uncannily as he ascended the metal staircase. He paused after every five flights of stairs – sometimes to catch his breath, but mostly to keep his ears perked for the slightest sound that would indicate pursuit. But, whether Jiemi had been persuasive enough to afford him a window to escape or that they had set up an ambush near the exit, Zitao did not hear the tell-tale patter of footsteps hurrying after him.

So, he climbed. One foot after the other. Even as his thighs began to burn and a stitch formed in his side.

Once he finally reached the top, Zitao pushed open the fire door and stumbled out into the night air, gasping for breath. He kept one hand on the pistol, ready to be pulled out at the slightest sign that he had walked into a trap.

No-one was there to greet him. It was like he had stepped into an alternate world. Had he slipped past them? Given that there had been a security breach, it was also possible that Lau had sent them all to R&D. It didn’t matter. Zitao knew he needed to act fast. Once they realised what had happened, they would be after him. Lau would see to it. She had always been vindictive. There was little doubt in Zitao’s mind that she would relish the chance to put a bullet through his head or condemn him to a fate worse than death.

After catching his breath, Zitao jogged towards the gates on the far side of the facility. Next to it was a security station, manned by at least one guard. Zitao wasn’t entirely sure how he would be able to convince the guard to open the gates and allow him to leave. He had never been one to go out into the nearby town for drinks or games of chance. Besides, driving out at this hour, with the alarms blaring throughout the entire compound would be considered suspicious.

He needed a plan. Someway to convince or distract the guard inside. But the situation he now found himself in was far beyond anything he had anticipated.

The other viable option was to hold the guard at gunpoint and have them force the gate open. The thought of having to use the gun, though, left a bad taste in Zitao’s mouth. The gun he had, though real, was only meant to be as a last resort. He didn’t want to shoot anyone if he could help it. Even threatening to shoot someone felt like he was crossing a line that ought not to be crossed.

Perhaps, then, it would be better for him to wait it out and retreat to his rooms. Zitao felt for the USB that he had hastily stowed in his jeans pocket. He had only one copy of the information. If something happened to him and they found it, everything he had done would have been for nothing. If he transferred the files and uploaded them to the internet, it wouldn’t matter what happened to him. As long as the truth came out…

On the other hand, the dormitory would be the first area for them to look for him. He could be killed or, worse, captured and turned. Zitao came to a stop just before the security station and cradled his head in his hands.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

He was just a scientist. A researcher. One that had hoped to make a name for himself in the scientific community. Dominus Hominum Industries had taken advantage of that. They had blinded him by providing him an offer that he could not refuse.

Had it not been the email he had received a month ago, Zitao knew he would have continued to remain voiceless – too frightened to reveal what he knew. There had been moments over the last few days when he cursed his own curiosity.

Still, it was not in his nature to turn a blind eye. He had known for a good long while that the project that had been his dream was being used for something he had no oversight over. Never in his wild imaginings had he thought it possible that Lau would stoop so low. To remain ignorant of the vile things being conducted, in his own name, and not only in the branch in Heilongjiang but elsewhere in the world…

Of course, he had been sceptical at first. As one of the men that had worked on the technology, he knew its strengths and limitations. But the more he had dug, the more he had uncovered. It had been surprisingly easy to find the news stories that the email had alluded to. What had tipped the scales had been the records and files he had unearthed in the archives of long dead hard drives.

Was it a risk that he chose to blow the whistle on the gross misconduct and corrupt business practices of Dominus Industries? Yes. But he had no choice. Not when he had been confronted by all the things he had seen.

As he dithered between the options before him, Zitao looked up and took in the view of the research facility that had been his home for nigh on seven years. He had poured so much energy into the company, believing in its mission. Within days, his hopes had come crumbling down.

What was a man supposed to do?

Before he could come to a decision, he noticed movement near the emergency stairwells. In moments, guards poured out. All of them were sporting assault rifles. He watched as two of them peeled away in the direction of the laboratory as the rest made a beeline towards the guard station near the entrance. Zitao felt his palms begin to sweat and his mouth suddenly dried.

Had they spotted him? He ducked under and considered the shift in his current set of options.

He knew then that his own life was forfeit. It did not matter if he managed to leave the compound. They would find him. No matter how far he ran or how well he hid. Worse, he had consigned his family to death as well. They would be the collateral if he did not cooperate. If he wanted to make a difference, he needed to make as many copies as he could and distribute them to as many outlets within the short timeframe that he had.

Zitao cut across the yard toward the dormitories, keeping to the shadows as much as he could. Narrowly, he missed being caught by a patrol. Heart thundering in his ears, he finally reached his rooms. He did not know what to expect when he opened the door. If they knew it was him, it was likely that they had men waiting.

To his surprise, Zitao discovered that all of his belongings had been untouched when he flicked the switch for the lights. A feeling of unease settled in his stomach as he looked around his rooms.

Best for him to hurry, then.

Plugging the USB into one of the many slots that decorated the front of the massive tower, he waited for his desktop computer to boot up. The seconds passed slowly until finally he was requested to input his password. Zitao did so. And then waited for his profile to load.

Why was it taking so long? Each moment that passed only served to heighten his fear. Impatiently, he tapped his finger against the desk.

Scenarios flitted through his head. Each one worse than the one that came before. Would they come rushing through the door and shoot him on sight? Or would they use him as an involuntary test subject? Zitao shuddered at the thought of losing all that he was and becoming another mindless drone. Time seemed to stop as he considered the next possible outcome. What if he were one of the unlucky few? His mind scrambled and his body a drooling husk.

And what about his family? His wife and the two girls that he would leave behind. Zitao felt the tears prickle at the corner of his eyes. He did not want to leave them. Not before he could give them one last goodbye…

With a concerted effort, Zitao pushed those thoughts away as he began the arduous process of transferring the files on the USB to his hard drive. It was better not to think on such things. Not when the future was so nebulous and unknown. Instead, he had to concentrate on what he could do. That meant revealing the truth to any and all that would listen. As the files transferred, he began constructing information packets to be sent out to anyone who would listen.

~

It was an hour later when they came for him. By then he had hidden the USB flash drive and had disseminated countless copies to anyone, whether they were bloggers or journalist, who would listen. Zitao wasn’t entirely sure if everything had gone out. His computer was linked to the network. There was every possibility that all of his hard work had been for naught. But that did not matter as he stared down the barrel of the assault rifle pointed at his face.

“You’re too late,” he said. Dredging up as much defiance as he could, he spat up at the man that wielded the gun. It splattered against the face-shield. Better that he be shot than suffer the indignities of having a mind that was not his own.

Zitao only wished he could have seen his family one last time. He drew upon what he remembered. The small curve of his wife’s lips, the tinkling laughter of his daughters. He smiled grimly up at his oppressors.

One of the guards menaced him again. There were two stripes on the uniform pauldron. “What did you do with the information? Where have you hid it?”

Despite the threat, Zitao kept silent. If this was the best that Lau could do, perhaps there was still hope after all. Besides, he already knew the outcome. Why delay the inevitable?

“You’ll never find it. Nor will your corporate masters. The truth is out there.”

Another guard stepped forward. Zitao could not make out the features of the man’s face behind the visor he wore. But a shiver went down Zitao’s spine as he heard the cold ice in the man’s voice. “Then you are of no use to us.”

He barely felt the bullets rip into his chest. The pain that blossomed afterwards also felt strangely muted as he was flung over his bed. As his consciousness faded, Zitao briefly wondered if it had all been worth it before his thoughts turned again to his family. He desperately prayed that they were safe and that his actions had not needlessly put them in danger. But most of all, he hoped Jiemi would tell them that he went down fighting for what was good and right in the world.

Shadows of the Mind

Red-rimmed eyes stared back at me. Disgusted to see how low I had fallen, I splashed cold water onto my face – hoping against hope that it would also wash away my addiction. No such luck.

Studying my reflection, I ran a tired hand over the stubble that I should have shaved off yesterday morning…or had it been the day before last? Time blurred when sleep was taken out of the equation. And it had been a long while since I had rested my head on a pillow.

Yet though I craved the comforts of a warm bed, the only beating thought in my head was the same refrain I had heard a million times before: just one more. After all, what could it hurt? I was already late. Even if they didn’t fire me today, I would not be long for the chopping block when the next review came up.

A better man would have done more when his wife and their two children had threatened to leave because of the nights spent in the casino. A better man would probably have talked it out and made steps for self-improvement. When the accident happened, a better man might have used the opportunity to finally turn over a new leaf. Or, perhaps, a better man would have poured all their energy into digging into the truth of the situation.

But I was not a better man.

When I could not afford to continue gambling away my money at the slot machines, I turned to drink to drown out the pain. Kicked out of the house that had cost me two decades of labour and bleeding money from the debts that had gone unpaid, I was at the end of my rope.

The yellow eye in the centre of my left palm looked up at me. Judgement writ clear.

I blinked and the image disappeared. My hand was pink flesh once again. No sign of an eye anywhere. Had I just dreamed it? Or was there something more sinister? Linked, perhaps, to the work I was doing? How else could I explain the cadavers that were brought in with ridges of scales and webbed toes.

It should not have come as a surprise. There had always been rumours of a curse being laid on the small seaside town since time immemorial. Folk tales, mostly, to scare kids into behaving.

But what if it was all true? It would explain the accident. There was no way that Morgan would have missed the turn. She had always been a careful driver, particularly when there was heavy fog. And the kids were in the back…

The police had stopped by the house and had asked plenty of questions. Did I have any suspicions that she might have had suicidal thoughts or that she was not coping in any way? The idea was ludicrous. I told the officers as such. ‘Morgan would never have done it on purpose. Our kids meant the world to her. Hell, she had been heading to her parents – nowhere near the promontory…’

A sharp slap to the face brought me out of my spiralling thoughts. God. I was losing my mind and there was nothing I could do about it. One of the side effects, probably, from the antidepressants and anxiety tablets I had been prescribed.

I reached for the bottle. Twisted the lid. Two small capsules popped out into my cupped hand. Within seconds, I had swallowed them dry.

As I felt them slide down my throat, I risked one more glance at the mirror. My clothes were crinkled, dark bags rested under my eyes and the tuft of hair I still had would do little to cover my encroaching baldness. In one word I looked like shit.

Still, I had seen worse. And I found that I didn’t much care whether I lost my job today or in the near future.

I was tired of fighting. Easier to submit to the inevitable once it came. Whether that was the drugs I had taken, I couldn’t say. The fog that descended over my mind made it hard to think about it too much. Maybe that was good. At the very least I would not have to combat the crippling anxiety that would have come with it.

Gambling had taken away my family. It had taken away the roof over my head and the food to line my stomach. Soon, it would take my life. One way or another.

Within minutes I left the small cramped flat and took the rickety lift down to the rundown carpark. A tan overcoat was tastefully slung over my right arm in the hope that it would give me a modicum of respectability. I only prayed that no-one looked too closely at the frayed sleeves and the weathered scuff marks. In my other hand, I carried a battered leather briefcase that I had dug out of the closet. As I reached in for the keys to the bucket of bolts that I called a car, I realised that I had forgotten my security pass.

Cursing under my breath, I dumped most of my belongings into the passenger side seat and raced up the stairs rather than wait for the lift. Legs burning and puffing hard, I stopped at the second floor to catch my breath. Just as an errant chastisement was once again about to regale me with all my failures up to that absolute second, I mustered up what remained of my strength and staggered up the remaining flight of stairs to my two-bedroom unit.

It was then a simple matter of busting open the door and nabbing the pass sat on what could not reasonably be considered a proper dining table – an elevated plastic chair with three stools around it. Oh, how far the mighty had fallen. If only my old friends could see me now…

But I had lost most anyone that would have cared to offer any sort of aid for my self-inflicted plight.

By the time I pulled up at the security gate, I was ten minutes late. The guard took his time checking my pass and confirming my name in the system. He reminded me of a raven with his sharp beak-like nose and the shifty glint in his small beady black eyes as he looked at my face and then the computer screen with needless scrutiny.

‘Everything appears to be in order, Mister Hinds,’ he said. His voice was unusually nasally, almost high-pitched, for a man of his size and girth. ‘Be sure to clock in on time tomorrow. I’ve had journalists sniffing up here the last few days, trying to sneak in. You know how it is when it comes to the work that goes on. Probably know it better than I do.’

I nodded and made to retrieve my security pass. ‘No need to tell me twice. I’ll be doubly sure to set the alarm to a quarter to seven,’ I replied with a polite smile. ‘Thank you for your exemplary work, Horace. Doing us all proud.’

Once the gate was up, I pushed my car into gear. It trundled through, picking up speed as soon as I reached the main building and the carpark resting underneath. Built forty years ago, it was an impressive creation of concrete. Passing under the awning as I entered the carpark, I could barely make out any windows on the exterior. Appropriate, considering the secrets that we kept hidden away from prying eyes.

When I finally arrived at the laboratory, after changing into my white lab coat in one of the only sterile areas of the facility, it was ten minutes to eleven. Already a migraine had formed behind my eyes, throbbing with each beat of my heart. All I wanted to do was to take a sip of smooth whiskey to ease away the pain. Except, of course, I didn’t even have enough money to buy a pint at the local pub, let alone anything stronger.

Before I could entertain my fantasy further, Gladstone strode in from the far door. “Good to see you actually make it out of bed, Hinds,’ he said, barely looking up from his notes on the clipboard. ‘We need you downstairs. One of the,’ he hesitated slightly as he looked for a word to describe the subjects that were kept in less than humane holding cells, ‘creatures had a little incident last night. Look into it.’

Just like that, I was dismissed.

Orders given, Gladstone sat at a free desk, his eyes never leaving whatever was on his clipboard as he tapped his pen arrhythmically against it. Maybe it was my overactive imagination or perhaps it was my sleep deprived brain, but I could not help but compare Gladstone to a big cat, just waiting to pounce upon the unwary. Surely, the elongated teeth and sharp curling fingernails were due to the fact that I had been awake for the last thirty-six hours.

With a great shake of my head, I picked up my belongings and made for the far door from whence Gladstone had come through.

As I made my way down, my footsteps on the metal steps echoed through the concrete well. There was naught in this passageway to dampen sound. Austere and spartan had been the design choices when it came to top-secret laboratories nestled a few miles away from town.

Deeper and deeper and deeper I went. It was as if I was descending into the bowels of the Earth.

My only companion was a small wispish ball of bluish light, shaped into an amalgamation of an eyeball and wings. I knew I should have been disturbed by the sudden evolution in my hallucinations. Yet, I could not find the strength inside me to care. After all, what were a few demons and devils from myths and legends, when I had seen men who had sprouted bat wings and women with large bulbous eyes with gills beginning to form on their necks?

Besides, it seemed harmless anyways. Staying always three feet behind me. For a brief moment, I came to a stop at a landing and eyed it for a few seconds, daring it to attack, before shrugging my shoulders when it remained docile, impossibly hovering in place.

How exceedingly odd.

Knowing that it was not real, I did not reach for it. Even as I tried to rationally explain the phenomena floating beside me with science. In the end, I simply chalked it up to the drugs and thought no more on the matter.

Something strange was happening and it was my job to find the answers. It mattered not that I was wracked with guilt and grief. Gladstone, for one, couldn’t care less. All that mattered was that I did what I was paid for. Nothing more. Nothing less.

As I stepped through the pressurised doors and into the decontamination unit, I turned my addled mind to the task at hand. With great effort, I managed to rouse it from its stupor. By the time I emerged into the top-secret containment area, I was as focused and sharp as I was ever going to be with soporific drugs pumping through my veins. Which, to be fair, wasn’t much. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open as I stumbled forward, one hand blindly reaching for a wall to steady myself as I adjusted to the change in temperature and lighting.

‘Hinds! Thank God you’re here. I’ve tried my best to stabilise it but this is beyond my skills.’ Pritchard rushed towards me, her hands covered in a deep shade of blue and a frantic look in her eyes. ‘You know what’ll happen if we were to lose it. And I’d rather not have my head on a pike.’

‘Show me.’

We headed deeper, passing by huge containment units filled with all manner of strange creatures and monsters. Many had been found washed up on the beaches dotted along the western coast. Some had been hostile, attacking anyone or anything nearby. Others had been positively docile, more curious than dangerous.

Even their appearances varied. I had seen several that looked like they had stepped out from my worst nightmare. There was no word to describe the monstrosities. Videos I had glimpsed showed unspeakable terrors – a mix of tentacles and shapeless horrors. Bringing them back to the facility was never an option. The casualty numbers had been astronomical. We were fortunate when the retrieval team returned with footage.

Should the retrieval team manage to subdue one of these creatures, which they did on a rare occasion, they were almost always dead upon delivery. And utterly useless for our research.

Imagine what we could learn if we actually had a living breathing monster before us! The knowledge that we would have at our fingertips!

Most of what my team and I had been able to study were specimens that were mostly humanoid in appearance. One had stood out in my memory had looked like a man that I had seen on a Missing Persons poster that had been hanging outside one of the telegraph poles near my flat. The only difference had been the ridges of scales that had lined his jaw and knuckles as well as the yellowish tint to his eyes.

It had been clear that he had been in the midst of metamorphosis. How or why had remained a mystery. We had kept him in isolation, unsure how best to classify him.

Unfortunately, he had not survived long in captivity. I had been the one to discover his body one rare morning when I was actually sober a few days before Morgan’s ill-fated attempt to leave me. Suffice it to say, there was naught we could do to revive the man. The autopsy, too, had failed to pinpoint the exact cause of death. Those thoughts had consumed me prior to my gambling binge. And all I had wanted was a distraction to escape the realities of my job.

Pritchard led me to a small enclosed room. It was filled with a variety of medical equipment. At the centre of the room was a cot. Two nurses were crowded around it, their eyes fixed on the heart monitor as it beeped erratically. They looked up as we entered.

‘How’s it looking?’ said Pritchard.

‘Not good, Laura,’ answered Lopez as he rose to his feet and made some space. He was a tall burly fellow and sported long hair that was tied into a neat ponytail. If I did not know him, I would have said he looked out of place, dressed in green scrubs and a white lab coat. Despite his appearance (which would better fit a wrestling ring), he was one of the best nurses I had worked with. Professional and exacting, I could always count on Lopez on following my instructions to the letter.

‘Do you know what happened?’

Lopez shook his head. ‘Escape gone wrong? The security team found it in the early hours of the morning. It was already bleeding. Then it tried to attack one of the men. In a panic, one of the junior officers shot it. The rest is what you can see.’

Head pounding with the onset of a hangover, I pressed my thumbs into my temples. Things were rapidly going wrong and I needed to make a decision. Time was of the essence. I could not afford to second guess myself or watch as a life slipped from my fingers just because the only thing I could think about, given the emergency, was how good whisky on the rocks would taste on my parched tongue.


Time passed. I could not say how long we worked until we managed to stabilise the creature until I glanced at my wristwatch and saw the time. Over the course of minutes that had seemed like hours, and hours that had seemed like days, we struggled to keep it alive. It fought us tooth and nail. I suffered two scratches on my right arm and Pritchard was sporting a cut lip. It was as if it would rather death than another moment in captivity in a holding cell. A part of my sympathised with it. What was a life confined to four walls and where strange men dressed all in white came to poke and prod you?

Sweat dotting my brow, I managed to inject tranquiliser into the creature, as the rest of the team – Pritchard and the two nurses held it down. Once it took effect, we all exchanged exhausted smiles. Standing back up, I glanced at the machines recording its vitals.

‘Keep it sedated. The sutures should hold but better not risk it,’ I said to Pritchard as I dabbed at my forehead with the back of my sleeve.

‘Hinds, you’re a lifesaver.’

I shook my head. ‘We aren’t out of the woods yet. Keep an eye on the equipment. Message me if anything changes.’ Pulling off my gloves, I added, ‘I’m going to grab something to eat. Oh, and Pritchard, tell Gladstone that I can’t keep doing this. I’m a scientist. Not a bloody surgeon.’

With that, I stepped out of the cramped tiny room that we had been in for the four hours. As I did so, my stomach grumbled. A reminder that I had not eaten anything substantial for a good long while. It was a torturous trek back up the stairs. By the time I reached the top, my knees were aching and it hurt to breathe.

Why didn’t anyone think to build a bloody lift? What if an incident happened down in containment and we needed to flee for our lives? The monsters would get us all before we even made it up one flight. Except, maybe, Lopez. He looked like someone that ran marathons on the weekends. Working as a nurse in a top-secret facility was wasted on him.

Once I was able to inhale without an accompanying twinge of pain, I gingerly passed into the main laboratory. Gladstone was still seated at his desk. His eyes barely flickered as I walked by. ‘Would it be a safe assumption that the situation has been rectified, Hinds?’

I stopped at the exit, my stomach twisting itself into a knot as it sought any type of sustenance. ‘For the time being. Sir, if I may, how long must we continue to prolong their torment? These experiments are not humane. And who’s to say when the next incident may occur. Lives will be lost.’

‘You grow bold, Hinds. However, it is not your place to question the orders you are given. You need money, yes? What would your wife and children think if you came back home with no job to support their ever-growing needs? The solution here is simple. You do as you’re told.’

‘Sir, they’re—’ I closed my mouth, thinking better of it. Of course, Gladstone had forgotten the funeral. He was a man focused on results, never mind the means. The people he worked with were not colleagues or humans with lives that varied from the complex to the very simple. They were tools. Nothing more. Even now he was still intently reading through the data that had been collated over several months. On occasion, he would stop and make a brief annotation.

Were it not for the drugs, I might have strangled the indifferent bastard. As it was, I could barely summon the energy to remain on my feet. My entire body seemed to shake terribly and I desperately hoped Gladstone would not notice. God forbid what would happen if he, for once in his life, was actually aware of those around him.

‘Is there a reason that you are still here, Hinds?’ The dismissal was clear in his voice. And I gladly welcomed it with both arms.

‘No, sir. Apologies, sir.’ I left quickly, hardly daring to look over my shoulder as I made my exit.

The corridors of the facility were a dull grey. Given the nature of the research conducted within its walls, there had been no need for bombastic decorations. No potted plants lined the atrium. No colour broke up the endless shades of concrete. If there was one word I would use to describe my place of employment it would be utilitarian.

Though it was past the normal lunch hour, the cafeteria was still bustling with staff. Grabbing up a tray, I joined the queue, grabbed the first thing that would fill my stomach and headed to a table near the back of the hall where I could remain, hopefully unobserved, for as long as I desired. After all, I had told Pritchard to message me if anything changed. Beyond that, I needed time for myself.


Perhaps it was the fact that this was the first time that I had a full stomach in days, or that I was thoroughly exhausted after a sleepless night, or that the afternoon sun shining through the frosted glass made the spot I had claimed my own so warm and cosy. My eyes closed. Before I knew it, I was adrift on the seas of sleep and darkness consumed me.

At first, I did not realise that I was dreaming. Once more, I was back in the house that we had first bought when we moved to the town. It was not a mansion I had promised the kids, but it did have an excellent view of the sea. One that I usually tended to enjoy on the rare Sunday afternoons that I was actually at home. Unfortunately, the sky was overcast and from my vantage point, I could see the waves crashing onto the beach with a vicious ferocity.

‘Tom, you’re going to catch a cold standing out there in this weather. Why don’t you come in?’

I turned around. Standing near the glass sliding door was Morgan, a concerned look on her face. She was all rugged up, a shawl draped over her shoulders. In her hands, she cradled a mug of hot steaming coffee. I joined her. With a smile on my lips as I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek as I took the offered mug.

‘Thank you for always looking out for me, darling,’ I whispered into her ear before cheekily nibbling on her lower lobe and trailed a finger down her neck.

‘Stop that, Tom,’ said Morgan, though her body language belied her words as she pressed up against my chest. ‘Not in front of the June and Jasper.’

‘And why ever not? They’re old enough to know about these things.’

She twirled around in my arms and lightly pressed her lips against mine. Before I could deepen it, Morgan pulled away, and flashed me an enigmatic smile. ‘That may be true, but there are some things, Tom, that are better left in the bedroom.’

I chased after her. Morgan had always been such a tease, even back when we had first dated in university. She squealed when I picked her up by her legs just before she managed to slip inside. The impulse to ravish her there and then thrummed through me. Grinning from ear to ear, I marched across the threshold. My destination: the bedroom.

As I stepped through, the scene before me changed. Morgan vanished from my arms. Blinking, it took me several moments to realise that I was now in the kitchen. The lights were off. Tableware had been smashed to a thousand tiny pieces and crockery was strewn across the floor.

Somewhere in the distance, I could hear crying. Immediately, I recognised the memory for what it was. And though I wanted to find Morgan and comfort her for all the pain I had caused her, I found myself rooted to the spot, breathing heavily as if I had just run a marathon. My hands were clenched tight into fists and I resisted the urge to punch the marble countertop.

It was then that I realised that I was still holding onto a bottle of whiskey. Carefully, I placed it back on the kitchen countertop. There was no point in wasting good alcohol. Even in anger.

What I really needed was space and time to clear my head.

Glancing down at the mess that Morgan and I had made, I made a mental note to clean it all up when I came back. Then, once tempers had cooled, we would sit down and hash things out. I dared not think about the inevitable fight we would have once she learned that I had left to gamble away more money on the slot machines in the local pub. What she did not know would not hurt her.

Besides, I deserved it. What did it matter if I spent a few hundred dollars? This was the money I earned from my labours up at the lab. How it was used was up to me.

I grabbed the keys from where they hung on hooks next to the door. It would only be a short drive down into the town centre. Then, it would be only a few hours of watching the slots spin. In my bones, I knew that luck would be on my side. Today would be when I won the jackpot. Lucky 7s all the way through. And then I could leave my job and everything that it entailed.

With a resounding slam, the front door shut behind me.

As it did, the world once more swirled around me. It took several moments to realise that I was facing the front door rather than the street. A sudden feeling of dread filled my stomach. At that moment, I knew what memory had been pulled to the fore.

Despite my attempts to fight the course of destiny, my body was not my own. My hands fumbled for the house keys. In the pre-dawn light, I struggled to identify the right key. Each one I used never quite seemed to fit. Why was it so hard to open my own goddamn front door? There were only two locks for fuck’s sake.

Had I really drunk that much? Frustrated, I gave the door a kick, expecting that I’d break a toe for my efforts.

The door crashed open. It had been unlocked. Surprised, I chanced a glance inside. Everything was a mess. Clothes and books and papers lay on the ground. I knew what had happened and I wanted desperately to leave. To turn tail and get back into my car that was parked on the street rather than the garage. Or to chase after them, praying that, somehow, I’d be able to save them before they met their inevitable demise at the bottom of a cliff.

But the inexorable march of fate would not allow me to make the smart choice. It was like I was in a horror film and trapped in the body of the characters. How many times had I screamed at the screen, telling the blonde cheerleader to run instead of investigating further?

Just like those that came before, I cautiously entered the house. ‘Hello?’

My first stop was the living room. Turning the corner, I spotted upended furniture and streaks of red along the walls. There was not a soul to be seen. No sign that anyone was in the house that we had lived in for the last three years. What terrified me the most was the fact that neither the kids nor Morgan answered my entreaties.

A chill went down my spine as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

Behind me, the creaking of floorboards warned me of someone’s approach. Immediately, I whirled around, arms up. I didn’t know if I could fight off my assailant. After all, I was a researcher. Ever since I was young, the best words to describe me were tall and gangly. I had never been much for sport, preferring to stay indoors than being out in the sun where I would be more likely to suffer injury.

The thing before me could hardly be described as human. As my gaze alighted on its hideous form, I recoiled – both mentally and physically. I knew then that my trip down memory lane was ended and the nightmare begun.

It looked like it had three misshapen heads. Three pairs of discoloured eyes blinked up at me. Instead of hands, it sported crooked claws, the nails of which were chipped and terrifyingly long.  

‘Tom,’ it croaked in a broken chorus of voices. ‘Tom. Tom. Tom. Tom!’ Morgan. June. Jasper. Three melded into one.

I backed away. Until my back hit wall. It came closer, claws outstretched. No. No. No. No. This could not be happening. This wasn’t real. It was a dream. A nightmare. I closed my eyes and willed myself to just wake up. All I needed to do was just wake up. WAKE THE BLOODY FUCK UP!

‘Help me,’ moaned the abomination. After all, that was what it was. Something so twisted that it ought not to exist in the waking world. ‘Heeeeeelp us!’

Cracking open one eyelid, I discovered that nothing had changed. Only that the creature now had me pinned to the wall of the living room. It was so close, the smell of it so exceedingly rank that the urge to gag was overwhelming. I was trapped with nowhere to run.

It slunk ever closer on unsteady legs. One foot scraped along the floor. Or was it a tail? Scaly, twisted, I dared not risk another glance. Instead, I screwed my eyes up tight again, wishing and praying in equal measure that I would wake up.

Something slimy alighted on my cheek. I batted it away, choking back the scream that threatened to escape. None of it was real, I reminded myself. I only needed to wake up. Slowly, but surely, it became a mantra. My one lifeline in a world gone mad.

As something gripped my shoulder, I flinched from the touch.

Breathe, Tom, breathe. It’s just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream…

‘Hinds! Hinds! Wake up!’

It was the sting from the slap that finally tore apart the complex tapestry that my subconscious mind had woven. I blearily blinked up at Pritchard, confused and scared in equal measure. The last tendrils of the nightmare still clung to my thoughts.  I couldn’t tell what was real and what was not.

A moment passed. Then two. As I took in the empty cafeteria and the late afternoon sun fading into the horizon, I realised that I had been asleep for far too long. Unsteadily, I rose to my feet and mumbled an apology.

‘Has something happened?’ I asked, running a weary hand over my face. My eyes felt like they had been gummed together and my head was pounding. What was worse was the sudden dryness and stickiness that pervaded my mouth. It was as if I had eaten taffy. My tongue darted out to moisten my chapped lips but it little to soothe my discomfort.

What I wouldn’t give for eight hours of undisturbed slumber.

Pritchard opened her mouth, then closed it. A few moments passed in silence. Unable to stifle it, I let out a particularly leonine yawn. When next she spoke, her gaze fixed a few inches above my shoulder, I knew it wasn’t what she had initially intended to say. ‘You don’t look well, Hinds. P-perhaps I can go tell Gladstone? I’m sure he’ll understand.’

‘What do you mean?’

She wrung her hands and forced a smile to her face. ‘It’s really not much, Hinds. Gladstone was just looking for any and all volunteers for something. We are at the stage where we’re on the cusp of discovering something new. And honestly, while your expertise would be welcome should things go awry, it’s fine if you wish to decline. That’s not to say, of course, that your presence wouldn’t be appreciated. I know that this is something that you’ve been wanting to be witness to for a long time coming. I just thought that you looked tired and a little pale in the face, is all.’

Her remarks had hit far closer to the truth than I would have liked. It was as if Pritchard saw through the thin façade I had erected at work. I didn’t like it. Nobody had cared before. Why now?

I realised too late that the quiet had stretched too long between us. ‘I’m fine. Really,’ I said, hoping to fill the void with idle chatter. ‘You saw me. A little nap was all I needed. Now, where are we expected?’

The look Pritchard threw my way said that I had done little to persuade her. And though I could her innate curiosity wishing to dig further into my personal affairs, she had the wisdom to hold back. For that, I was thankful.


In silence, we headed back to the laboratory and the containment area. When we arrived, the presentation had already begun. Sneaking in, I felt the weight of Gladstone’s gaze on the back of my head as it bored a hole right into my skull. Gladstone never much liked interruptions. Nor did he suffer individuals that were late to one of his meetings. It meant unnecessary repetition.

I kept my head low as I took my seat near the back and glanced at the whiteboard. On it was a picture that had been blown up almost a thousand times. It did not look like much – a mess of pixelated flesh. A new acquisition, perhaps?

‘As I was saying, the next few days will be crucial. We will need to act fast if we wish to secure the specimen and bring it back here for observation and research. This may be our one chance to show the world that our work has not been in vain,’ said Gladstone. He looked down at his palm cards and pushed his glasses further up his nose. ‘Remember: this mission is top-secret. If we manage to pull this off, we will be making history. Now, are there any questions?’

My hand shot straight up. There were a thousand things I wanted to ask. Why weren’t the retrieval team being sent out? What had I missed that the strict procedures that we were meant to follow were being tossed out the window?

A flash of frustration flitted across Gladstone’s face as he spotted my waving hand before he managed to school his expression into one of disdain and disinterest. ‘Yes, Hinds? What is it?’

‘Why are you sending us? We’re scientists. Don’t we have trained men to handle situations like this?’

He pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘If you had been here for the briefing earlier instead of who knows where, you would know that the situation is delicate. Timing is of the essence. Our current teams are unavailable. As such, the powers that be made the decision to have any willing staff join in this mission. Now, if there is nothing else, I must leave. There are preparations that I need to see to before departure.’

Gladstone straightened his lab coat and then stalked out of the room. I chased after him, a thousand different enquiries in mind. Before I had even rose halfway off my chair, I felt someone tug at my sleeves. I turned around, ready to snap the head off anyone stupid enough to stop me.

Couldn’t they see that I was trying my very best to make sure that we weren’t all walking into a death trap? That I was looking out for everyone involved? A sudden spear of pain shot through my head and my hands were clammy. In my chest, my heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest.

Shit. How long had it been since I last took my pills? Was it already time for another dose?

Pritchard had a look in her eyes as she mutely shook her head. Was it a sign not to aggravate Gladstone any further? I couldn’t tell. Why couldn’t humans just explicitly say what they wanted instead of dancing around the subject? If Morgan had—

No. Best not go there.

I lowered back on the chair. ‘What?’ My tone came out a little brisker than I had anticipated.

‘There’s no need to be like that, Hinds,’ hissed Pritchard. ‘I warned you, didn’t I? Told you explicitly that you didn’t need to come. But you, of course, being all macho, said that “you were fine.”’

My cheeks flushed red and I looked away. Words sprang to the tip of my tongue but I choked them down. I knew when I had been properly chastised. Pritchard was right. It had been my own stubbornness not to ask further. And when Gladstone had sprung, I had been caught off-guard. Stupid, really. I should have known something was wrong from the start.

This had been no normal meeting amongst scientists. It had been a war council.

As I brooded over everything that I knew, silence filled the gap. ‘You can’t really be serious about participating in this madness, Pritchard,’ I said finally. With some effort, I forced my gaze to meet hers.

She shrugged. ‘I don’t see any way out of this, Hinds. A lot of the others are in the same boat. If Gladstone says “jump” we respond with “how high?”’

I swore under my breath. ‘We know nothing about this…thing. How can he be so sure that it’ll be docile?” I asked, motioning to the picture that sat centre stage on the whiteboard. Looking at it, I could not repress the shudder that went through my entire body at the sight of the horror. This was no creature of the Earth. Neither human or part of the animal kingdom. It was an abomination, plain and simple – something wholly alien and terrible and unspeakable.

Years of research, completing my doctorate thesis on bioengineering and eugenics, and here I was chasing monsters. I was meant to find a way to elongate the human lifespan. This was not it.

True, the possibilities of the research had been enticing at first. I had been ecstatic when I first joined, believing that the sea creatures could be the key to unlocking the final mysteries of what I had sought for so long. But the more I saw and learned, the less it seemed my dream would come to fruition. Gladstone’s goal had diverged. We were no longer pursuing science for the betterment of society. Instead, we were trying to unearth something that should have remained closed.

‘We don’t,’ said Pritchard as she flashed me an ironic and sad smile before she rose to her feet.

As she made her way across the room with her fellow scientists, her hand lingered a while on my shoulder. I watched her round the corner and disappear from view. Another person I had failed to save. Glancing back at the whiteboard and the aberrant creature displayed on it, I made the only decision I could given the circumstances.


For hours I had tossed and turned, but sleep continued to elude me. The cot beneath me creaking with every movement. Frustrated, I finally settled on my back and stared up at the dimly lit steel roof of the truck I now found myself in. Around me, I heard the other volunteers shift in their sleep. Some were snoring, somehow falling asleep though the truck shook and rattled. But I knew a good number were probably lying awake just as I was.

Perhaps they were pondering their life choices, wondering where they had gone wrong and regretting their decision to volunteer. Or maybe they were fretting on what the future might bring.

Had I not volunteered, I would have been in my small cramped apartment and downing can after can of beer. Elsewise, I might have spent an evening at the pub, nursing one good drink until the early hours of the morning as I ruminated on why I had not gone with the others in my team. And if the bartender pitied me enough, they might have slipped me another.

It would have been another round of bad choices, culminating in me stumbling to my bed and falling into it head-first and still fully-clothed – unable to shake off the ghosts that haunted me still.

At least, by choosing this, I was doing something and making a difference. Whether it helped or not, I couldn’t say.

The only kick I had got was seeing the shock on Pritchard’s face when she saw me board with one of the tan duffel bags, that had been stuffed with amenities that had been handed out, slung over one shoulder for the overnight trip. I had flashed her a weary grin before I made my way over to the cot that I’d been assigned.

Tomorrow was an early start. If I wanted to be any help to the team, I needed rest.

But as soon as I closed my eyes, Morgan and June and Jasper appeared before me. Their faces as pale as the moon, their mouths open wide in a soundless scream as they beat against the windows of the car.

I jolted straight up, my breathing harsh and loud in my ears. One hand flew to my chest, hoping to calm my heart that was thundering a wild tattoo. Shit. Fucking goddammit. Where was a bottle of vodka when you needed it? Why hadn’t he thought to return to his apartment to pick up his pills before coming here? Two angry fists thumped against the too-soft cot.

‘Hinds?’ The whispery voice was filled with concern. Had I woken her up? A mixture of guilt and frustration bubbled through me. I didn’t dare turn towards her, knowing that my face was an open book.

‘It’s nothing,’ I said tersely. ‘Go back to sleep, Pritchard.’

‘You can talk to me, you know,’ she persisted. ‘Like we used to. Back when Morgan was ali—’

‘I said I’m fine.’ In the silence that fell across the entirety of the truck, I hated how loud I sounded. God, why couldn’t people just leave me alone?

Behind me, I heard Pritchard settle back into her cot. Minutes passed. Slowly, but surely, the snores resumed. I lay back down, the cot creaking as I adjusted my weight, and stared up at the roof. Finally, when exhaustion tugged at my bones, I closed my eyes and let the movement of the truck lull me into a fitful slumber, haunted by images of the restless dead.


As the six of us disembarked, we were greeted by a grey overcast sky on a grey pebble beach. Two tents had been set up on the sand. Not too far away were stacks of metal crates. Our supplies had been offloaded first – water, food and weapons. The thought of wielding a gun had my stomach doing somersaults and I hoped there would be something more substantial than cheese and crackers, though I didn’t feel particularly hungry.

What I really wanted, more than anything else, was a can of something cool on my tongue. Preferably a pint of lager, but anything would do.

Something brusquely brushed against my arm. I whirled around, a harsh condescending reprimand on the tip of my tongue, when I caught sight of Pritchard. It was obvious from one glance that she had not slept well. Like mine, her eyes had dark bags underneath. And there was something jittery in the way she moved. She did not smile at me. Instead, she gave me an incidental nod of acknowledgement as a greeting.

A few moments passed before I had the foresight to close my mouth, lest anything fly in. Pritchard said nothing before she joined the rest of the team near the tents. It was like a huge pit yawned between us. One that was both shared history and the pain that we had endured. But I knew that the distance between us was mostly my own creation. Over the past year, it had seemed like she had been above it all. Unshakeable. Ever-loyal to Gladstone. Whereas I had been bitter about my loss and thrown myself into whatever self-destructive behaviours that I could.

But what if she had been just as hurt and in pain as I had been?

Pritchard and Morgan had been quite close, though they came from two different worlds. There had been family picnics and barbeques and a host of various activities that had slowly petered out when my addictions had taken hold. And though Pritchard did not know the exact nature of the rift between my family and I, she had been intuitive enough to know that something was wrong.

Maybe if she had intervened earlier, things would have been different. A part of me resented that she had never reached out. How much would have changed by just one act of kindness?

Stop it, Tom. There’s no point in going over old ground. You’ve a job to do, I chided myself. Find the specimen. Take it in. Go home. Easy as pie.

Gladstone had only just begun his well-rehearsed spiel when I joined them. His eyes narrowed when they alighted on me. I flashed him a grin and gave him a jaunty wave, knowing that it would irk him. He pushed up his glasses and turned away, refusing to rise to the bait. It was a rare moment of wisdom from the man. Or perhaps Gladstone was more concerned about the success of the mission than exchanging petty barbs.

It certainly seemed that way as he droned on in his officious voice, once again going over the extraction procedures and the likely dangers that might be encountered. Perhaps there was more going on behind closed doors if the sweat on his brow and the frantic patter to his words were anything to go by.

As I lowered my hand, I startled at the lidless reptilian eye that stared up at me. A spear of cold fear shot through my heart. Gingerly, I reached out and poked it with the index finger. It didn’t even flinch at the touch. Yet, the moment I made contact, it seemed as if my finger went straight through. I poked it again, feeling only warm flesh as well as a light pain as I scraped skin. Another hallucination. And yet it looked so real.

The world seemed to spin around me.

I staggered over to one side, leaning against the metal crates for support. A moment to breathe. That was all that I needed.

Breathe in…two…three…four…

Out…two…three…four…

Okay. I could do this. Just because I hadn’t taken anything in the last twelve hours didn’t feel I wouldn’t feel any lingering side effects. Maybe it was a sign of withdrawal. What had the doctor said? I wracked my brain, trying to recall the conversation that we had shared nearly a month or two ago.

The memory was piecemeal. Nothing seemed connected.

Frustrated, I shook my head to clear my thoughts and cracked open an eye. This was going nowhere. And if Gladstone knew what was happening, he would see me as a liability. Not that I cared, of course, what the man thought. It was merely my pride on the line.

As I steadied myself for the day ahead, I saw movement at the periphery of my vision. I turned towards the tents and the supply crates. At first, I couldn’t make out anything beyond the norm. And then, I saw them. On the boxes were translucent worm-like creatures. Hundreds. Everywhere. They stretched out towards me, as if sensing my warmth and the life pumping through my veins.

Something slimy and disgusting touched my leg. Then, before I could do anything, it seemed to slither up it.

I jumped, yelping at the top of my voice. It felt like they were all over me and I needed to get them off. I brushed at my arms and slapped at my trouser pants, panic overriding nearly everything.

Shit. Shit. Shit! Had I got them all? Were any still crawling on me?

Eyes turned towards me, taking in the spectacle that I represented. I barely noticed. Consumed by the immediate threat to my person. What would they do? Burrow into my skin? Destroy me from the inside out? I did not want to go out like that. No. My death should be my own choosing.

I did not hear the screams until it was too late.

By the time that I heard the warning, I had almost no time to react. Before I knew it, I found myself face-down in the dirt and there was a piercing pain in my head. For several heartbeats, I lay on the ground stunned as I tried to make sense of what was happening. Were we under attack? Who would fire upon us? And why?

That was when the sound of gunfire filled the air. A shrill screech answered in kind, filled with pain and fear. Head throbbing, I clasped my hands over my ears, unable to bear it. It seemed to go on for hours. Until finally, it stopped.

Blessed relief swept through my body. Slowly, I rose to my feet, dizzy and disorientated. I scanned the beach, my gaze alighting on the tents, somehow untouched, and the body that lay across the pebbles. Heart in my throat, I raced towards it. The short brown locks a familiar sight.

No. No. No. No.

Pritchard was still breathing, albeit shallowly when I reached her. Eyes closed, she looked like she was asleep. I shook her as gently as I could, hoping to awaken her. She did not stir. ‘Come on, Pritchard. Wake up!’

No response. I brushed away her hair and caught a sight of iridescent scales along her brow. They had formed a ridge and were cold to the touch. I recoiled even as I tried to squash the disgust that welled up. The implications supported one of the many theories that had been floated around the laboratory. Had she always been one from the start or had this been a recent transformation?

Could it be contagious?

I dared not think too long on it. Pritchard was hurt. There weren’t any obvious wounds but for what reason would she be lying here insensate when moments before she had been alert, fit and healthy. Unlike me, she had readily volunteered to be a part of Gladstone’s mission.

It was then that I thought to stop and ponder. Where were the others? Glancing around the ruins of the makeshift camp, I could see no sign of the other scientists. Thankfully, I could not make out any immediate dangers either. Pritchard would be safe. For now.

With some effort, I scooped her into my arms. It would not do to have her out in the open and on the hard stones. I nearly tripped on one of the tent pegs when I finally put her down. She did not stir.

Nearby, one of the metal crates sat open, the lid askew. Inside were three or four rifles. I would have liked to have believed that Gladstone would not have provided live rounds. We were a motley crew of scientists and nurses – prone to sitting at desks and conducting experiments, not battlefields. If the ‘specimen’ we sought was not as docile as initially reported, it was entirely possible they would have provided tranquilisers.

But that was not what I had heard earlier. Nor did it seem that the creature that we were after would go quietly.

Behind me, I heard another round of gunfire. Without thinking, I grabbed the first gun I could reach. It almost slipped from my hands. Nothing felt right in my grip. The butt bit into my shoulder. The trigger seemed too far away for my finger. How did someone use these things? It felt unwieldy and far too heavy.

Still, if it meant that I could put a stop to whatever was happening, I would take the opportunity offered to me.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of colour and movement to my left. I hurried towards it, weapon up. Though I did not know squat about sight-lines, the basic concept of using a gun was simple. Point and shoot. It would have to do. After all, someone needed to bring this whole thing to a close. Once and for all. Whether that was putting down the specimen or cutting down Gladstone – I couldn’t say. But the insanity that had gripped the laboratory – that had infiltrated my family and the town – needed to reach its final conclusion.

Up ahead, I caught a glimpse of one of the scientists. His name eluded me. It didn’t matter. At the sound of my approach from behind, he whirled around, gun at the ready. There was a crazed look in his eyes, one that implied alarm or panic or both. His face was deathly pale. From just a casual glance, I could see that some injury had caused his nose to bleed.

‘Name!’ he demanded. ‘Don’t lie. I’ll know. All the others…they lied because they weren’t real. Please. I need someone to be real!’ The desperation in his voice sent a chill down my spine. It niggled a part of my brain that said something wasn’t quite right.  

‘Hinds! Tom Hinds. I’m one of you. Us. And I’m real. As real as can be,’ I said, taking a cautious step forward and trying to appear as friendly as was possible. ‘Can you tell me what’s going on?’

It was as if he did not hear me. As if he were lost in his own world. That was when realisation struck me.

As soon as his finger twitched, I immediately fell prone on the ground. Bullets whizzed over my head. Fuck! I grappled to swing my gun around. Time seemed to slow. Every wasted movement seemed to bring my impending doom ever closer. The man stomped forward. He snarled at the air above me, his lips stretched over his teeth. It was animalistic and territorial.

‘You can’t run from me now. You’re one of them, aren’t you? Well, say something!’

I kept silent – unsure if any answer I provided would placate the man. It was as if he had taken some form of hallucinogenic. The symptoms were all there. He was talking and interacting with something that wasn’t real. That he was carrying a weapon made it all the more complicated.

Desperately, I tried to crawl away. Something had happened to him. I couldn’t say what. Minutes ago, he had been listening patiently to Gladstone, the next…

There was a pregnant pause and then the man cried out in alarm and something dropped to the ground. I risked a glance over my shoulder. He was cradling his arm.  Blood dripped from a new gash. And then, before he could reach for his weapon, he was thrown thirty feet away. He landed with a crunch and remained still.

I scanned the deserted beach, trying to make sense of what I had witnessed. There was no sign of his assailant. A terrible idea gripped me. What if the—No. I quickly shoved the thought to the back of my mind as I scrambled up to my feet, a sudden pounding behind my eyes.

There was no sense in trying to make sense of the impossible. It would only serve to pull me down an endless spiral – straight into the abyss. I needed to find the ‘specimen’ and put a stop to all this madness.

As I scoured the beach for Gladstone, I stumbled upon two harrowing encounters. One was Lopez. Just like the nameless scientist before him, he seemed unaware of my presence. Lost in his own world, gun cast aside, it almost looked like he was trying to settle into a domesticated life atop the rocks even as the waves threatened to knock him down. When I tried to talk to him, he knocked me aside as if I as just the buzzing of a fly in his ear.

Stunned and confused, I watched as he continued to speak in Tagalog to people that were not there. From the distress on his face, it appeared as if he was embroiled in a domestic argument. It was uncanny and disturbing.

Yet, no matter how many times I tried, I could not wake him from the delusions that gripped him. It was on my last attempt that I was pushed aside that I saw the rogue wave building up. Too late, I shouted my warning. But it was as if he did not hear a word. I watched, in mute horror, as the wave crashed into him and dragged him out to sea.

Another soul I had failed to save.

The second person I met on that lonely beach was Patricia Hastings. Though we had not worked together in the past, I knew Patricia from the work she had done on genetic modification. Her reputation proceeded her in academic circles, mired though it was in controversy. In the last few years, the media had portrayed her as an overly ambitious woman driven only by the thirst of knowledge and what could be done, ethics be damned.

With her back facing me, I had, at first, thought that she had escaped whatever ailment that had afflicted the others. But as I cautiously approached, I realised that something was wrong. Patricia stood as still as a statue. Her eyes moved from left to right and back again as if she was tracking something. In fact, she barely seemed to blink. When I waved my arm in front of her face, she did not respond.

Just as I turned to leave, Patricia uttered a low guttural moan. She took one step forward before collapsing to the ground. When I reached her, her eyes were still open – endlessly tracking whatever it was she was seeing. A cursory examination revealed that her heartbeat was slower than average and she felt a tad bit colder.

For several terrifying minutes, I debated my next actions. I could not, in good conscience, leave her unattended. What if she was suffering from a stroke or a seizure? How could I leave her here?

The other part of my brain, however, whispered that the only way to solve the problem was to track down the ‘specimen’ and kill it. There had been numerous reports from the retrieval team that many of the men had experienced both auditory and visual hallucinations. Some had even killed themselves.

While the creatures that we had experimented on in the lab had demonstrated any such abilities, it was clear that we were facing a much greater threat than Gladstone had advised us in the briefings.

In the end, cold ruthless logic won through. There was naught I could do for Patricia. For all I knew, killing the monstrosity would free the others from whatever power had ensnared their senses.

What I dared not consider was why I had not been affected.

For twenty odd minutes, I searched high and low for where Gladstone might have disappeared to. But the beach was empty of all save a few of the volunteer task force.

As I rounded the headland, the sea roaring beside me, I spotted spatters of blue on the rocks. Some of it was still wet. Bending down, I touched it with a finger. Many of the creatures that we had experimented upon had blood rich in iron. Perhaps, because, many were still humanoid in appearance. The one Gladstone had sent us to chase, however, was different. It was possible that it might share more similarities with cephalopods or certain species of fish.

For the first time in a long while, excitement thrummed through me. If this was true, then we might have stumbled upon something ground-breaking. This discovery was sure to push our understanding of the human genome. Diseases might be cured. Cancer would just be a footnote in medical history! We would finally show the naysayers the power of science. Finally, we could refine what God had created and fix the flaws in our own design!

The possibilities were endless! Gladstone was too small in his focus. If we could only uncover the secrets behind these creatures, the secrets we could uncover…

At what cost, though? If these creatures were sentient, what right did have to take experiment on them? At what point would it be okay to cross that line? The thought gave me pause and sobered me from the grandiose ideals that gripped me. Was it worth the lives of everyone dear to me? What about my ever-slipping sanity? I could not keep doing these things. Cutting into their bodies, trying to figure out their physiology…what had any of that accomplished over the last four years?

Murderer. Butcher.

I took a deep breath and rose to my feet. Find Gladstone. Find the specimen.


The sun had begun to set, the chill wind biting into my bones, when I spotted the cave cut into the side of the cliff. Just outside the entrance, on the huge plateau, was a huge spray of blue. Mixed in was one set of boot prints. If I was right, that meant Gladstone had followed after the specimen. I hurried into the cave, gun at the ready. There was no telling what I would encounter inside. For all I knew, Gladstone might have killed the abomination. Or, perhaps, the reverse was true.

I told myself it didn’t matter.

One way or another, this would end.

Gravel crunched beneath my feet as I stalked into the gloom. Far ahead, I heard the drip drop of water hitting rock. As for Gladstone or the monster, there was no sign.

I continued forward, my eyes adjusting to the dim light that filtered through. A part of me worried what would happen if I did not find Gladstone or the specimen before nightfall. Foremost in my thoughts were Patria Hasting and Laura Pritchard. With a concerted effort, I shook my head to clear it of my fears. I would cross that bridge when I got there.

Distracted, I did not see that the passageway sloped downwards. I stepped into air and felt my heart lurch as I tipped forward. A frightened cry left my lips, arms pinwheeling.

As the ground rushed up towards me, I managed to catch myself on the slippery rocks. The heels of my palm barked with pain, along with my knees. I took a shuddering breath in to steady myself. Felt it leave. And then took another breath even as I began to play a familiar refrain within the confines of my brain. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. God. I had been so stupid!

If that hadn’t tipped Gladstone or the creature off…

I scrambled back to my feet and dusted myself off before taking a look at my new surroundings. The cavern was huge. Ahead, I saw the path branch into three separate openings. Centred above the crossroads a narrow shaft allowed the fading light of the afternoon in. It did little against the darkness.

Which way to go?

There was no sign or clue as to which way they had gone. But instead of trusting to luck, I waited. Closing my eyes, I strained my ears for the slightest sound. I’d look like a fool but it was my one recourse. If they had thought I had fallen, perhaps they would drop their guard and make a mistake that I could capitalise on.

Seconds bled into minutes. It was as if the entire world was holdings its breath.

Somewhere in the darkness, I heard a strange scuffling sound. A feral grin stretched across my face as I dashed towards the opening on my right. Within moments, whoever was in front realised their mistake. They broke into a run, the pitter-patter of their footsteps echoing through the cavern.

I raced after them, lungs burning and legs threatening to buckle out from beneath me. Still, I pressed on. I could not afford to lose the opportunity before me.

Movement ahead lent a burst of speed and suddenly, we emerged into another open area. The last vestiges of sunlight filtered through, casting the large lake in a rainbow of colour. At the centre of the subterranean waterway was a small platform, on which sat a forgotten shrine made of driftwood and refuse.

Ensnared by the beauty of the scene before me, I forgot, for the briefest of moments, what had led me there. Until, an elbow flew straight for my nose. There was a loud crunch and a sudden intense pain. Blood spurted. The world seemed to shift in and out of focus as I tried to stem the flow.

And then Gladstone was running down towards the lake and the shrine at the centre. He looked over his shoulder, the expression on his face was a mixture of fear and spite. The thin strands of hair on his head were dull and greasy, plastered to his scalp. His clothes were tattered. In his hands, he held a strange box-like object.

Fuelled by rage, I grabbed hold of my rifle. I aimed down the sights. I pulled the trigger and a burst of gunfire exploded from the other end. The shots went wild, missing by a wide margin. Gladstone risked another glance over his shoulder, a smirk on his smarmy face. God. How I wanted to wipe it off. Pritchard did not deserve the hell he had put her through. Nor had any of the others.

Cursing under my breath, I gave chase.

I cornered him in front of the shrine, weapon at the ready. At this range, there was no way I would miss. A stitch was forming in my side but I refused to acknowledge it as I wheezed – desperately trying to get air in my lungs.

‘It’s over, Gladstone!’ I panted, dying for a drink or a smoke or something that would take the edge off the pain. ‘I don’t know what you intended to do, but it ends now.’

Gladstone turned around. ‘Hinds,’ he sneered, slicking back his hair with one hand. ‘Why am I not surprised? You’ve been a thorn in my side since the moment you joined the team.’

‘This isn’t a negotiation. I have the gun.’ I made a show of tightening my finger on the trigger. ‘Put down the box, Gladstone. Surrender. Once we put down the creature, everything can go back to normal and—’

It began as a chuckle. Before I knew it, Gladstone was doubled over with laughter. His free hand, slapping his knee.

‘What’s so funny?’ I demanded. ‘Stop fucking laughing!’ God, I wanted to hurt him so bad. If only I could march up to him, hit him in the stomach with the butt of the rifle…

Gladstone straightened and wiped the tears from the corner of his eye. ‘Ah, Hinds. Always dreaming too small.’

‘Cut the cryptic shit, Gladstone. You were never a proper scientist. Instead, you were a small insignificant man with delusions of grandeur. A middle-management pencil pusher. That’s what you’ve always been. And what you’ll always be. The life of an academic too hard and difficult for you, eh?’

I watched as his face went red and his posture go rigid. ‘You know nothing about me,’ he snarled. ‘All the years that I poured into my research and the price I’ve paid to keep my project…this project afloat. So, don’t try and get up on that high horse of yours and preach to me.’

‘Yeah, well, this project is being shut down.’

‘You’re too late. You can’t stop what’s already in motion. The Elder Gods are coming. When they step through the veil and into our world, I’ll be waiting. Ever loyal. Along with the Herald. To be rewarded for my service and dedication to the cause.’ Madness gleamed from his eyes as he let out a low chuckle. ‘Even though you tried to pull me down, I rose. Triumphant.’

Before I could stop him, he turned and slammed the box-like object down onto a small pedestal in front of the shrine. A dark glow began to emanate from the shrine, pulsing with power and evil intent.

The air grew heavy. Oppressive. There was a sudden ringing in my ears. It was sharp and insistent, bringing me to my knees.

My finger tugged at the trigger. Before I could cut Gladstone down, the world around me warped and fell away. Suddenly, I was surrounded by four white padded walls. Orderlies banged against the sealed metal door. They wanted to get in. To stop me from what I had to do. My heart thudded in my chest. I couldn’t let them stop me. To sedate me. To drug me.

I screwed my eyes up tight, grit my teeth and forced myself to calm. It was the same old nightmare that I had experienced again and again after Morgan, June and Jasper had taken that ill-fated drive up towards the cliff. I focused on the dirt beneath my boots, the weight of the rifle in my hands, the ebb and flow of the water…

Hesitantly, I cracked open one eye. I was back in the cavern. Good. Still standing a few metres away was Gladstone. He was crouched over the box, mumbling under his breath. The glow had faded and his body language screamed thwarted ambition. I caught only a few words. Something about ancient texts and a prophecy. I gave it no heed as I squeezed the trigger and felt the impact of the stock thumping into my shoulder.

Gladstone fell.

For a single moment, it felt as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders and everything was right again with the world. But then the box began to throb once more. I watched in horror as it slowly began to float in the air and spin and spin and spin. A rip formed in the air just above the shrine. It was dark and cold and menacing. Something reached through and the mere sight of it sent a shiver down my spine.

I turned. And ran.

To stay would have only sealed my doom.

Breathless, I emerged from the cave and into a tempest. The winds raged and the sea roiled as if in answer to what Gladstone had unleashed.

There was nowhere to hide. No place that was safe from their wrath. I could not say how I knew that fact. Only that I did. Still, there was Hastings to think of. And Pritchard too. None of them had asked for this. If I could save them then perhaps there was still hope for me still.

Something struck me from behind and I was flung to the ground, the rifle flying into the water. Pain thrummed through every part of my body except for my right arm, which seemed to be non-responsive. I staggered to my feet and kept going. Death waited but I would not go into that sweet oblivion without a fight.

Each step sapped what little of my strength remained. The distance from where I was and the tents seemed to grow. I fell to my knees, exhaustion weighing down my limbs. Though I shouted at myself to move, my body refused to acknowledge my commands. I lay on the pebbles and stared up at the storm as lightning flashed and rain peppered my face.

I could not say how long I stayed there as oblivion tempted me with sweet release. It would be so easy to simply let go. After all, I had tried to do good in the world. My intentions had been for the noblest of reasons. Surely, whoever manned the pearly gates would see that and consider me worthy of entering Elysium.  

A siren song pulled me from my thoughts. I craned my neck towards the rising waves and saw what must have been a final gift. Morgan, June and Jasper – whole and without blemish. With the last remaining ounce of strength that I had, I crawled towards them. It couldn’t be. And yet, it was. Right before my very eyes.

The unshed tears that I had refused to let fall burned as I made my way into the surf.

Finally, I could be reunited with them. With that thought in mind, I allowed myself to sink into the soft embrace of the water and let it carry me away.